NTKOG #27: The kind of girl who fails that most basic of preschool etiquette lessons — keep your hands to yourself! — when introducing herself to a handsome guy.
I am: an extremely hands-off learner in the ways of love & affection.
I am not: a toucher. If it isn’t clear by now, I’m pretty vanilla. (Well, a vanilla who knows how to party. Maybe a rum raisin?)
The Scene: A fabulous intimate cocktail party hosted by Justice in her gorgeous apartment in New England College Town. Bunch of clever future lawyers milling about, sipping mixed drinks with the bitter aftertaste of undergrad. Among all the quiet, twitchy SC Justice guys (and, of course, Muscles, whose charisma single-handedly carried the room), there is a shortish but extremely cute German academic with expertly manicured facial hair.
“What should TKOG do at this party?” asked Justice, and in that sure-footed spontaneous brilliance only brought about by have-to-chug-’em mixed-ish drinks, I snapped back: “Smack that guy’s ass!” As a joke, I figured. But the volley of giggles gave me courage. Well, either that, or the multiple red-cups full of whiskey.
German With Exceptional Jeans heads over to snap a pic for posterity, and I use it as my entry:
TKOG: So are you a 2L, or doing some sort of doctoral type law situation?
GWEJ: [all of boring dot com]
TKOG [eventually]: So I’ve got to ask — did you get those jeans in the US or Germany?
GWEJ: Here. They’re American Eagle, actually. Very pedestrian.
TKOG: Oh, so it must be all you.
GWJ: Wow, thank you?
Then I went — I WENT, GUYS! — for the smack, but during the lean-in, awkwardly caught eye contact with him and asked for permission. Rookie error. He laughed and told me, um, he’s not drunk enough, but I’ll be the first to know if he changes his mind.
The Verdict: Okay, so to me, I am neither a lechy ’60s-type bossman nor the coach of a made-for-TV football team, so it’s no great surprise that the ass-smack was way out of my league. But, dudes, people do this! I’ve seen it for-realsies happen! What do these girls have that I have not?!
No sense of shame, I guess, plus a firmer smacking hand, a more willing partner, and the brains NOT TO ASK PERMISSION. Truly never has the phrase “better to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission” been so true as in the realm of playfully assaulting legal-minded immigrants.
[Edit: Oh, sober, I realize the nice balanced justice of the situation: When I say I have seen people for-realsies ass-smack, I forgot that one of the events I've witnessed was an old dude in lederhosen doing it to me! So by returning the favor (or trying to) to another German, I wasn't being a too-fresh skeezball, guys! I was merely PAYING IT FORWARD!]
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2 things:
1) Asking permission? Clearly the only way to pull off a gutsy move like that is to pretend like it’s not a gutsy move at all — as though you give out ass-smacks like candy.
2) A German guy. A GERMAN. You know how the northern peoples feel about touching. (see: hand-shaking as courtship)
!!!!!!!! You are brilliant, dude. I adore you. Handing out ass-smacks like candy? I so now know what kind of girl I aspire to be.
Hahaha!!!
I can’t believe you asked for permission!
Hahahaha that’s great! Valiant effort, for sure!
If I see him around the law school, I’ll put in a good word for you. Maybe by the time the next party rolls around, he’ll have changed his mind.
Dude, I suspect the only way he’ll change his mind is if he’s been DRINKING CONTINUOUSLY SINCE YOUR PARTY.
ROFL.
I’m not the kind of guy that this sort of thing ever happens to. :( If it did I think I’d be surprised and flattered, and where it would go after that would depend on how cute I found the girl.
I’m actually kinda surprised. You’d think most guys would be all for it. “Hey sure, smack my ass and while you’re in that general area…” And he didn’t…hmmm wonder if this guy will end up in another NTKOG post some day.
You asked for permission to smack his behind? My dear goodness – borrowing motor vehicles, yes, of course ask for permission – but who on earth asks for (or gives) permission for that sort of thing? Perhaps a tad too risque… but also rather sweet!
But people do legitimately go for the smack! I think in many ways the asking is weirder than the doing. Because at least if you go for it without asking, you can pretend it was spur-of-the-moment and you even surprised yourself by being so forward! Whereas asking shows that the act was premeditated and thus a bit on the creepy side…
Oh please, he only said no BECAUSE you asked. If you had just done it, he may have acted all “omg i can’t believe this ballsy American did this!” but in his head it would be a completely different story to the tune of “i love this country. that was hot. marry me?”
Hmmm, NTKOG Who … awkwardly hits on European dudes until they semi-jokingly propose to her? I’m pretty sure that idea takes care of my weekend plans…
Besides, it’s my sworn duty as an American to give cute European guys the best possible impression of our fine nation!