NTKOG #40: The kind of rabid fan who, after a concert, hangs out around the stage door and shrieks when the band comes out, begging them to sign CDs, body parts, and restraining order retractions.
I am: like decently fond of music, I guess. I listen to it when it’s on, but generally don’t seek it out.
I am not: into the whole celebrity thing, anyway. Even if I’m crazy-obsessed with your music, dude, man, it’s your mp3s I’m after — not you. (Caveat: the time Vanilla Ice kissed me on the cheek at the Las Vegas Annual BBQ Rib Fair. Swoon.)
The Scene: The Kelly Clarkson concert last night. Sister awesomely scored us two friggin’ awesome seats (Kelly was practically sweating on us! Of course, she was sweating quite a bit anyway…) Sis and I arrived scrupulously early, and so were forced to sit through the worst opening band of all time.
I mean, these guys didn’t even look like a band. They stood at random intervals on-stage like just five random hipster dudes at a bus station. And oh — oh, guys! — I could go on about this shoddy band for hours, but for the sake of brevity, I will limit my scorn to quoting my live-tweets during their set:
8:07pm: Kelly’s opening band is so hipster the saxist is taking myspace pics of himself with his iPhone onstage. #latfh
8:12pm: Asperger’s guitarist’s power stance is basically a full-body cringe. #hopeyourLPsmeltinafreakironicbeersignfire
8:18pm: Sax player is sitting at a keyboard now and eating raisinets and paxil. Bassist hasn’t played in three songs.
8:21pm: Asperger’s is timidly poking the frets like a sixteen-year-old in search of a clitoris. And about as effectively.
8:26pm: In summary, I want to invite this band over to play guitar hero. Because I could kick their asses.
After the set, they announced that they would be signing CDs on the second floor. And you best believe I sprinted upstairs in my four-inch heels, bought a $10 CD, and waited in line. Most unbelievably, there were about seventy people standing in front of me. Directly behind me, a trio of tweens wearing clip-on earrings and baby-powder-scented perfume argued over how much training bra they could reveal to the guys. I was the only person in that line who didn’t have braces.
Finally, I got to the front was was rewarded with manbangs, glorious manbangs:
Left to right: Paxil Sax; Asperger's; too-boring-for-nickname; Animal; and the lead singer slash tamborine-ist: MANBANGS!
The lead singer’s face was pouring perspiration from flicking his manbangs so hard. Uh, did I mention there was an abundance of manbangs? While one of the b’not mitzvah behind me made eyes at the drummer, I approached the table:
TKOG: Hey, I have a request? Can you write: “To TKOG, who is non-ironically our biggest fan”?
Paxil Sax: Uh, no.
TKOG: Okay, that’s fair. Can you sign my heart?
Asperger’s: What? That doesn’t make sense?
TKOG: No, uh, I mean, can you sign my–
Manbangs: Haha, that’s funny. But no.
TKOG: Can you write just one special word on the cover for me?
Manbangs kindly consented and, after asking me how to spell it three times and telling me he had no idea what it meant, I became the proud owner of:
I forget whether meta-irony is still cool, but either way, it's definitely cooler than this lame-ass band.
After this debacle, I rejoined Sister in our awesome seats, just in time to catch the second opening band — which was actually one of the best acts I’ve ever seen. I don’t know music enough to know whether this guy is famous or not, but his name is Eric Hutchinson and I am basically in love with him now. Have you ever thought to yourself: “Man, I wish Jason Mraz were a little jazzier and a little … not embarrassingly Jason Mraz? And also maybe he danced around on stage in a cutely dorky way and wore a pretty unfortunate shirt?” Well look no further!
His act was in fact so good that when he announced he’d be signing CDs upstairs, I immediately ran up again, doled out another Hamilton, and got in a much, much shorter line. When I got to the front, though, I was way too in love with him to be a jackass, so just fan-gushed that his music is incredibly joyful, and he signed my CD then let me snap a photo.
Look at this gorgeous man! Now stop looking and download "Sounds Like This." Seriously, listening to his music feels like reading a novel while wearing your warmest sweater. (And click the pic for a link to one of his music videos.)
Swoon.
The Verdict: Okay, so it turns out that my instinct was right: I’m just not all that amused by waiting in line to blurt out a few words at quasi-celebs who are so exhausted and overstimulated by the rush of fandom that they could not care less that you’re standing in front of them. Even getting a hug (A HUG!) from the gorgeousness that is Eric Hutchinson was nothing compared to listening to the live performance or even recordings of the songs.
Also, after blatantly mocking the first band to their faces, I subsequently wiki-ed them and learned that they weren’t total randos — they’re actually semi-famous (Parachute. Heard of ‘em?), and played Times Square New Year’s Eve last year. Which — yikes — makes them probably the second most famous people I’ve ever unapologetically sassed off to. Now that I know how famous they are, I’m doubly disappointed they didn’t sign my chest! Although, judging by the middle school dance quality of the rest of the line, I guess I’m glad they had a firm no-chest-signing policy in place.
(Also also: In case you were wondering, Kelly was friggin’ awesome! I’m not really a huge Kelly Clarkson fan — I only know three of her songs, and I didn’t know one of those was hers until the concert — but dude, girl can fucking sing. She’s the only person I’ve ever heard who sounds even better live than on an album. And any chick who brings the house down with a Patsy Cline cover is aces in my book. So basically my sister rocks for taking me to one of the most fun nights I’ve had in ages!)
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
I saw Parachute at a free outdoor concert thing last summer. I remember being very glad I hadn’t paid for it.
I’ve been listening to Eric Hutchinson for about a year now. But you’re like the third person who’s mentioned him in the past month or so…I think he’s fantastic.
My fav tune? “OK, It’s Alright with Me”.
I love him! I’ve been listening to him pretty much literally non-stop since the concert. Right now I’m totally obsessing over “Outside Villanova,” but I love pretty much every song on the album.
I discovered Eric Hutchinson this summer, and he’s definitely my favorite new artist this year.
I know you said you’re not the kind of girl who seeks out new music, but I have a couple of recommendations since you like Eric Hutchinson.
Jamie Cullum is a little further into the jazz side of things, but it’s jazz with a sense of humor.
Chris Ayer is another favorite (I’ve been playing his newest album constantly since it came out), he’s got more of a singer-songwriter style, and his lyrics are very intelligent. Somewhat similar to Jason Mraz, but without all the euphemisms. Plus, you can download several of his songs for free from iTunes U, so it’s easy to check him out.
Love the blog by the way!
Jamie Cullum FTW! I saw him at the Montreal Jazz Fest, and he made my ears orgasm. Particularly his rendition of Jeff Buckley’s “Be Your Husband”, during which he accompanied himself by drumming on the piano (yes, that is an awkward sentence, but I can’t think of a better way to put it). Drumming ALL OVER the piano. Including lying underneath it and drumming on the bottom.
A hipster bad who doesn’t know what NON IRONICALLY means?! Their man bangs should be shorn and they should be sent out into the street wearing nothing but Gap and Old Navy clothing.
Also I just realized where I know the name Jason Mraz. My dad randomly bought his CD and loaned it to me and I’ve never listened to it. My dad is cooler than I am! I feel so incredibly lame.
RANDOM STORY THAT I PROMISE IS RELEVANT.
I work at one of those big ol’ home improvement retail stores, and the damn corporation insists on constantly playing horrible muzak over the PA. Let me put it this way, they have a love affair with 90s pop and Alanis Morisette, and when Jason Mraz comes on, it’s sweet, sweet relief for a few minutes. The Cure is like the holy grail; they play ‘Lovesong’ about once a month.
Anyway, among the rubble of horrible music, there will occasionally be a song that I like but don’t recognize, and usually I forget the lyrics before I can Google them.
After reading this blog post, I went searching for Eric Hutchinson via YouTube and, after a video or two, discovered that his song ‘OK, It’s All Right With Me’ is one of those song-gems that I liked but didn’t know, and I got ridiculously excited over it. This is my long way of saying ‘thank you’ for helping me tie a name to the song.
Oh my God, I hadn’t even heard of Eric Hutchinson until I read this post. I clicked on the link to his music video out of sheer curiosity, and now I have a new second-favorite artist. 8DDDDD and various other smiley faces/expressions of my incredible joy and stuff.
I’m going to also be a convert. Have never heard of this Eric Hutchinson dude, but am loving it!
I’m glad you like him! I really love his music — even though I got mocked halfway to death by a guy for putting it on as, like, sexytimes-foreshadowing music. Apparently it’s kind of soccer mom music. Whatever, though: beautiful voice + charming lyrics = music I like, no matter what the hipsters tell me.