Guys! I am at a perilous level of psychitude right now! Today is TMI Thursday, which is hosted, of course, by the lovely and hilarious LiLu of Livit, Luvit — but instead of dazzling you with my tales of head-butting guys in the crotch or accidentally menstruating on not-pregnant women, I take a day off to present you with A VERY EXCITING GUEST BLOG!
LiLu herself, the tsarina of TMI, is here today to share her own tale of awkward, awkward woe. And, just in case that isn’t enough for you delightful vultures, allow me to disclaim — to your friggin’ delight! — that NUDITY IS INVOLVED.
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So. Hi there. I’m LiLu from Livit, Luvit, and I’m about to dirty up this place a bit with a Thursday Tale of TMI. (Check ‘em all out here, if you’re not, yanno, a total Wuss with a capital W.)
“That Kind of Girl” is one of my very favoritest new blog discoveries, because her format is so different and adorable and well-written and, as Family Guy has said about Hugh Grant, “charmingly befuddled”. Though she is just a tad (coughcoughWAYcough) more sophisticated than I, we undeniably share one thing in common…
Making a jackass out of ourselves. Preferably in public.
The only difference?
She does it for sport. And blog fodder.
I do it because I can’t help it.
Life is hard.
Anytwaddle, when she asked me if I would guest post an experience in her format, where I do something outside of my natural instincts, I thought long and hard (TWSS)…
And then realized the one thing I have left, the one secret, the one characteristic none of you would guess about me, especially considering all the times I’ve joked about stripping for Jesus or openly discussed things of sexual and/or personal womanly nature in my TMI Thursdays…
I cannot STAND being naked in front of strangers.
Wait, when I say it that way, it doesn’t sound so weird. Okay, let me rephrase.
I cannot STAND being naked in the locker room at work where I am constantly surrounded by 50 something women who could care less that their dirty pillows and baby caves are freeballing in the wind, while I’m frantically scurrying next to them to pull my underoos up under the towel I’m awkwardly hunched underneath while sort of trying to hide IN my locker.
Yeah. I’m that girl.
The Kind of Girl Who cannot bear to be naked in front of other women in a locker room.
I know, I know! It makes no sense. ME, of all people. ME, who is beginning to think “shame” must be a foreign word, because it means nothing to me.
I can’t help it… somewhere deep in my DNA is written “be deathly afraid of strange women who might judgeth thou’s back jiggle”. And it sure doesn’t help that, since my gym is in my office building, I have to see the majority of these ladies in the halls at some point, and desperately try NOT to recall what they looked like an hour ago as they strolllllllllled from the shower to their locker in the birthday suit, towel wrapped ILLOGICALLY around their head instead of their torso (What. The. EFF!!!!!) I don’t know why… it’s not that I’m ashamed. I look pretty damn good, especially compared to most of them. It’s just… I don’t know. In the words of Charlotte York, I DID NOT COME FROM A NAKED FAMILY.
So, this brings us to my little (personal) social experiment. In order to overcome this Self Truism, I would have to do the unthinkable…
And walk across the locker room nekkid as a jaybird.
LiLu has a name and it’s P-E-T-R-I-F-I-E-D.
So, yesterday, it was down to the wire. I’d promised That Kind of Girl the post and I’m no post-wencher. I hit the gym, worked out extraaaa long in a futile attempt to postpone the inevitable, and finally walked into the locker room- trembling, and not just from the workout- to Do The Deed.
I got out of the shower, toweled off, sighed dramatically even though no one could hear me, wadded up my belongings with optimal positioning in front of my hooha and funbags (it’s not cheating, says ME)…
And sauntered to my locker like it was just another damn day.
(Okay, so it was more like “skedaddled” than “sauntered”. CUT ME SOME SLACK. NUDE GIRL WITH THE PURPLEY HUE OF EMBARRASSMENT ACROSS HER FACE COMING THROUGH.)
I was halfway to safety when, I shit you not…
The fucking lights went out.
At first I was terrified. Naked in the dark surrounded by strangers? Notsomuch. But then I realized I had inadvertently beaten my assignment, as I was now shrouded in darkness, and I scuttled over to my locker with glee.
It would have been great if I hadn’t bumped into my office manager on the way.
Sigh. It ain’t easy bein’ green me.
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Yikes….the end there would have made me switch jobs. ASAP!
I’m so ashamed.
I used to be that girl. But, I think after two kids and hangin out with your legs all spread eagle while someone pokes about your vajay jay every ten minutes, I’m still slightly that girl, but not that bad anymore…
In my experience,being old kills that naked thing.
So I noticed by the naked old men in the locker room that like to talk to you when they are naked….
With one leg up on the bench…
Right beside where you are trying to tie your shoes…..
I wondered how bad this could get. Was not expecting the power outage.
Excellent!
I used to be scared, but having been in that same locker room for many years (ok like 4 years), you eventually get used to it and just don’t care… but then again I DO come from a naked family.
I can’t do the nakedness either. When I used the gym at work, I’d bring my clothes to the shower and change in that little area they have between the shower and the hallway.
Lol!!! You lucked out for sure :)
Oh wow. I’m like you. I don’t get embarrassed by much… but it takes me a gallon of tequila before anyone will see my body in the bright gym locker room lights. You are a brave woman than I!
Hahaha, wow, yeah I have the same “fear” .. I cannot be naked in a locker room. Or anywhere with strangers. and I could NEVER be naked in front of coworkers. Wow. On that note, good for you though, it’s good to try a new thing once in a while.
Orangeyougladthelightswentout ??! lol
I’m so with you on this. There is no need for rampant nakedness in locker rooms. I don’t need to see your business, and I’ll thank you for not checking out mine if my towel falls. Not you personally, just the collective “you.” And well, maybe you too personally.
Oh dear. Scary. I’ll admit it – that’s one reason why I’m happy that my gym is two blocks from my apartment; no awkward shower time.
Um yeah. Notsomuch.
yeah, so not the naked in the locker room type-a girl. and what is up with the ladies that just stand around all the time, naked, toweling their hair vigorously? awkward!
Yikes is right! You couldn’t have paid me enough money to do that in a room where I may or may not bump into people that I work with. They have to see me every day then, picturing me nekkid…ugh, I wouldn’t even want to do that!
LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I actually just snorted reading that. LOL
Hilare! I could totally hear Charlotte Yorks voice when you quoted her. That was great LiLu!
Locker room nakedness always reminds me of high school gym, which I would wholeheartedly place on the list of worst things ever. Except with infinitely less skivvies and and such infinitely more awkward.
I could never just waltz through naked. Never. You have quite the pair of lady balls.
I am so proud of you!
And so on and so forth, that’s our LiLu. ^^
I, erm, am glad hot chics don’t get naked in the locker room. It is hard enough to be a gentleman at the gym, much less. So if the older women feel comfy with it, its prob because they have given up being a temptation. Or because they are a dire warning of what pregnancy and gravity can do to a girl. Whatev, it can happen to you, too, don’t think it can’t.
Not to take anything away form my precious offspring, they are worth all the loose skin in the world, but still. Nekkid moms in the gym are a cautionary tale.
Lilu, please! cease referring to my vagina as a baby cave. please. I need to use it for recreational purposes for a decade or so more. at least. la.
I can imagine many women might have this problem. So because I’m such a giving kind of guy, I hereby offer my services to help them first practice being naked here in front of me. Yep, a few times of that and the ladies’ locker room should be no problem.
Nice to see you offsite, Lilu!
I can never get enough curriculum from you, O’Goddess!
That’s a tough one, the locker room? I hide too, but I’m working on it.
Lucky you with the lights but seriously? I’d probably take a week off. Nervous Breakdown or something!
Ow!
Umm. I don’t DO locker rooms, or for that matter GYMS, so I have no clue what you are talking about and from the sound of it, I am soooo glad!!!!!
OMGGG Lilu, I swear this sh** ONLY happens to you!!!! LOL
I feel uncomfy in gym too during shower and after shower, post wor out. Don’t really feel comfy SHOWING THE WORLD THE GOODS, you know?:P
Wow. Spectacular. I know exactly how you feel though. Once I went to a spa with my mom when I was 16 and we got in to find that it was a european spa where no clothes or towels are around. Talk about embarassement of being naked with your MOM when you are hitting PUBERTY. Eyes up here, Mom. Yeesh.
LiLu, I so feel your pain… been there, but without the blackout… or bumping into anyone… you poor thing!
I have the same issue in the men’s locker room at the gym at work… I can get over nudity amongst strangers, but coworkers seems totally alarming.
But actually, I bumped into one of my managers dressing in the locker room one day, and it was actually a total male bonding experience! I knew he had injured his knee earlier in the year, so I asked him about his workout routine, which is actually really intense, so I got to compliment him on that, and he said that he has to do it now, but that he didn’t do anything when he was my age, so good for me.
Now, there wasn’t full frontal nudity during the conversation, which might have made it difficult for me the first time. But if your attitude is “brothers in arms” and not “eep why are they naked,” I think it can actually be okay.
Also: most comments on a NTKOG? But lots of naked lady was involved — kinda cheating. :-)