NTKOG #51: The kind of affectionate, magnetically vivacious woman who doles out hugs like candy at a parade and punctuates every conversation with casual contact.
I am: an armchair person, not a couch person. As in, I will not even sit two people to a three-person couch with someone I have known for years. And if my leg accidentally grazes yours, rest assured I will apologize until you become semantically satiated with the word “sorry”.
I am not: super comfortable with personal contact. Can you tell?
The Scene: In an effort to grow slightly less neurotic about never touching anyone ever ever ever, I’ve been attempting to — um, touch strangers in what I consider to be inappropriate ways? Okay. That doesn’t sound quite as noble when you say it aloud. Nonetheless, a trio of interactions:
The Acquaintance Hug: A few mornings ago, one of my co-workers entered the office in a fairly deflated mood. She’s usually warm and vibrant, very sweet girl, but whatever combination of events — some confluence of relationship and finances and all the thousand slights the world sometimes likes to heap on you before breakfast — had chipped her veneer.
“Dude,” I said, standing up. “You need a hug?”
I was only a little horrified when she actually folded herself into my awkwardly proffered embrace. Then I stood there, not moving, waiting for her to leave. Apparently she didn’t think it was weird, and I was glad to be emotionally available, I guess, but dude: not. a. hugger.
The Coquette Tap: I see women all the time who, when talking to a man, will flirtatiously tap on his arm to get his attention or signal that he ought to pay attention to the totally brilliant thing she just said. This, to me, is weird. I mean, shouldn’t your voice and face be all the verbal italics you need in conversation? Is the point of the tap just a reminder? Hey! Bodies! We have them! We maybe could use them to hook up as a result of this conversation?
No single story here, but I’ve made a conscious effort to use this technique when talking to random guys I meet — especially on the T, where we’re stuck sitting in close proximity anyway. I tend to reach out for the casual upper-arm tap to underscore the fact that I’m joking when I say mean-funny things, just to lighten my tone. Because, yeah, I’m one of those smart girls who’s kind of a jerk to guys. Regret to inform! Basic results of this: the guys don’t seem to notice it one way or the other, but I always feel profoundly awkward afterwards.
The Fist Bump: Last night, as I was wandering around Cambridge trying to find the School of Government for a professor’s office hours, I got hopelessly lost and decided to ask the next grad student-aged passerby for directions. A guy passed me and I tapped his shoulder. When he spun around, I saw he was cute. Cutecute. I mean, so attractive that he was almost ugly — like a young Robert De Niro with designer stubble and the kind of Mediterranean beachy blue eyes you just want to bathe in.
TKOG: Uh, excuse me, do you know where the Kennedy School of Government is?
Seriously Movie Star-ish Leading Man: I’m sorry, I have completely no idea where that is.
TKOG: We. We have so much in common right now.
SMSLM: Yeah, I’m really feeling that bond.
TKOG: Pound it?
I offered him my fist and he switched his cigarette to the other hand and, y’know, knuckle-bumped, then — weirdly, amazingly — used his cigarette hand to pull me into a, like, slightly bro-ish but non-A-frame hug. I was afraid for a moment that his cigarette would burn my hair. But, guys, I kind of didn’t care. I mean, this guy was too cute to even be talking to me, let alone hugging me on a street corner.
After a second, he pulled away and wished me good luck finding the School of Gov. Which I basically floated to on a cloud of deep personal well-being.
The Verdict: Um, movie-star Harvard guys? You can hug me all you want. Everyone else? Look, I’m sorry, and don’t take it personally, but I’m just going to go ahead and sit on my side of the couch and you can sit … on another couch … in another house … and maybe we can just email each other. Unless you’re on my “people I couldn’t live without” list, there’s just no reason we ever need to touch!
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I’ve volunteered at enough charity golf tournaments that I’m skilled with avoiding the hug from drunk golfers. Usually “no, that’s ok. I’m good. I’ve met my quota” is the line. It makes them laugh and then they forget about hugging me.
I hugged a lady at work the other day who was on the verge of a mental breakdown, then felt weird, and then my boss was like ‘WHOA! I didn’t take you to be a hugger!’ and I of course had to admit that I WASN’T a hugger at all.
“I am not: super comfortable with personal contact. Can you tell?”
Um…how do you survive public transportation? I’ve ridden the red-line at times with someone practically humping me from behind. Was it rude not to give him a little wiggle?
hahaha, omg, the idea of giving someone “a little wiggle” is completely hilarious. I — I might need to NTKOG that.
I’m totally fine with the inevitable touching that comes with public transportation. Like, it’s bound to happen and it’s nothing personal, so no big deal. I just dislike intentional or easily avoidable contact: people who hug way too much, weird platonic hand-holding, any form of (non-relationship) snuggling, no buffer seat in an uncrowded movie theatre, etc, etc. My theory is: if I have to do it, not a problem; if I can just as easily not, then I’m totally not going to.
You and me both . . . I’ve been told I’m the girl with a “heart of stone” just because of my lack of physical touch. Hmmmm . . .
In our short online acquantaince, you’ve always struck me as the kind of girl who would know that the touching you describe (coquette tap) is a prime signal to said dude that you are attracted to them. You know, the “hahaha you are so funny- let me gently touch your arm with my hand to hold me up otherwise I am going to swoon” maneuver.
Helllllloooooooo! Body Language 101! Or didn’t they teach you that at that dreadful Junior College you went to? :p
So, in effect, the fact that you don’t do this is completely normal and forcing it is awwwwwkkkkkward.
As for the fist bump, my 12 year old daughter introduced me to “locking it”. You fist bump and while your knuckles are touching, you both simultaneously turn your wrist a quarter turn. After this lesson I felt old but much, much cooler.
Ooh, I didn’t have room in my courseload for Body Language 101 at University. Maybe it was offered as a lab extension for HIPPIENOMICS?! It would explain why others are so much better-versed. (Okay, okay, you didn’t actually go to Rival School, but you see what I am saying.)
Yeah, btdubs, I get that the coquette tap is usually an attraction symbol, and during the experiment I was trying to use it as such (though being liberal about the potential of attraction). But it still just totally doesn’t work for me. Flirtatious touching is like dancing: phases of courtship I just totally don’t understand.
Intellectually, I understand that there must be some phase of wooing between “agreeing on your dislike for representational art” and “going out for waffles.” I just find all intermediary phases like kind of embarrassing?
In all likelihood, this is just because I haven’t really met anyone here who I like even a little bit. But that’s okay! Because now I’ve practiced the coquette tap for when I do! So at least I won’t aim poorly and knock off his glasses or something!
Says the girl who graduated from a school that never, ever FAILS ANYONE????? (If you can throw stereotypes out there, so can I!)
I don’t blame you re: the random touching thing though. Not that I mind being touched by random girls or anything but its just weird.
Here’s a thought, maybe a coquette tap would’ve caused your trivia host that blew you off the other day to melt like putty in your hands. You never know, perhaps he had a long day making sandwiches at the local Subway and had to gird his loins for a long night of trivia hosting. Cue you hitting on him and him thinking you were trying to gain some sort of advantage over your rivals. Tired of being used by the thankless, proletariat swine in the crowd who don’t appreciate him for his mind, he lashed out at your feeble attempt at bribery. A carefully placed coquette tap pre-bribe could’ve made all the diff… I’m just sayin’.
In re: school stereotype: TRUE DAT! It’s like the Mafia: hard to get in, but once you do, they never let you leave!
Admittedly, there is something about representational art that I enjoy, as long as it’s tempered by abstract expressionism.
But why was I never informed that “going out for waffles” was a phase of wooing? Or is it just a euphemism?
I hug way too often, I think, as a way to offset my childhood where I didn’t want to be touched by anyone. Generally, though, the platonic hug represents either “You need comforting” or “Thank you for making me beautiful food that will make me fat(ter).”, usually the latter.
I’m right there with you. I hate sitting on trains or backseats, or anywhere where someone may think it is OK to let their guard down and rest their leg against mine.
You know, I dont’ really mind hugs, or anything with a point, its the soft touching that really gets me. Like someone just putting their hand on my leg. What is that doing for you?
And I was really hoping the young bob deniro would get your number? You totally should have scored off that knuckle bump.
You brave lady, you!
Loved this post!!!!!
I touch my boyfriend, and that’s it. I feel awkward when people I barely know hug me. It feels fake, yknow? I used to be a hugger, I don’t know what happened. It must be the habitual smoking. Or something.
We have so much in common. I once broke up with someone because he always stood to close to me. Not joking.
I’m not a very touchy feely person eitther -but I do like a good hug from time to time.
I loved this post and I could so relate. The funny thing is that while I used to hate physical contact (of a non-sexual nature) I completely got over it in my late 20s. Now I’m a hugger. Weird, huh?
Ahh, the “coquette tap”: there’s a name for it! I never knew that there was a name for it. (Or did you just invent the name? If so – good invention!). I always notice when people do that to me, and take it as a sign of interest.
Query, though: does it work the other way around, too, or is it best left for women to do to men? And what is the male version of “coquette”, anyway? “Coque”?
I must admit I invented the name “coquette tap” — I’m not sure if there is a specific name for this type of touching, but I thought “coquette tap” about summed it up, as far as I understand it.
Also, I think the tap works from male to female as well as female to male, but you have to wait until you know the girl a lot better before you do it. Like, when I told a guy about my attempts to start touching men on the T, his first reaction was, “Wow, there’s such a gap between what women can get away with and what men can get away with to strangers…” TOTALLY TRUE. If a random guy ever touched me during our first conversation, the odds would be 50/50 on my threatening him bodily harm immediately. But if we know each other from some other setting (work? classes?) or are on a really good first date or something, I think I’d appreciate it as a sign of his interest.
Presumably, it is acceptable to tap back anyone who has done this to me?
I understood “Coquette tap” instantly, so it’s clearly a good name for the touch. You also motivated me to check my print dictionary, which gave coquet (verb), coquetry (derived noun), and coquette (N, a woman who flirts), but no equivalent word for men. That said, IME we just get called flirts, which is annoying, because coquette is a sexier word than flirt!
Personally I’ll not initiate contact play as a rule, but will return with interest (and sometimes interest
too [you must be single and attractive to me for this to apply]) if you do. That said, I’m very comfortable with just sitting and touching lightly, literally for hours sometimes, and with no specific intention of making a play by either party.
Not a fan of “touch” either. I don’t even like the way the word sounds. Hugs are cool; no problem. But I will cringe at the offer of a massage. I think this is totally normal.
omg I HATE the unsolicited massage offer! There can be no place in this word for a platonic massage! At least not if we want to keep society as we know it basically functional.
How were you EVER friends with Poetess without being into hugging? She and I are the hugging champs!
Silly silly people. I’m a total massage whore. Strange people could walk up to me on the street and I’d let them touch me…if they promised to really work on the knots in my upper back.
I’ll rub your back if you rub mine.
Seriously, there’s this ball of ganglia beneath my left shoulderblade that’s been driving me insane for three weeks now.
(Dulcinea? Is that you?)