NTKOG #66: The kind of girl whose personal obligations are significantly more pressing than your own, and so who feels quite at home putting her needs before yours.
I am: a bit less than the average amount of busy and important, on balance.
I am not,: for instance, employed. Or, at present, wearing real pants.
Some Context: I read about a study a few years ago, looking at line-cutting as a social phenomenon, and set in a copy store. There were two phases in the study. First, the experimenter would go to a machine with a line and simple ask to cut in front of the people ahead of him. In the second phase, the experimenter would ask to cut ahead of the people in front of him and then say, by explanation: “I need to copy these papers.” Well, I mean, no shit — everyone at Kinko’s needs to copy papers — but, amazingly, although very few people in the first group let him cut, the second group overwhelmingly allowed Mr. “I Need to Copy” on ahead.
Um, did I need to try this or what?! Usually, though, I have kind of a thing about cutting people in line. But I girded up my loins for three encounters:
The Scene:
Encounter the first: Thursday morning, 10:30am, at the local Stop&Shop. There are only two lines open, so I enter the one where a woman is unloading about three kids’ worth of frozen chicken tenders and pre-cut apple slices. I am carrying a box of cereal, a carton of soy milk, and an Archie comic. Clearly vital purchases, right?
I clear my throat (my heart freezing with fear and self-loathing, natch) and ask her: “Excuse me, can I go in front of you? I need to buy these things?”
Weirdly, she not only says yes, but adds, “I’m sorry!” as though it should have occurred to her to let me go ahead of her in the first place! Because clearly someone who is at home in a Green Day hoodie mid-morning on a Tuesday has some PRETTY URGENT BUSINESS TO GET TO. Like that conference call. With Riverdale.
Encounter the Second: It occurred to me that the last woman may have been so accommodating because she was buying so much more than I was, so I pitted myself against a shopper who was buying less than me. Trader Joe’s in Brookline, a Sunday night, I pop in the store and pick up frozen pizza, chocolate Mochi and a carton of milk. Ahead of me in line, a man is purchasing a bottle of Malbec and parmesan crisps (uh, sir — call me). We wait for a few people to ring up, then shortly before the gentleman puts his belongings on the “next-in-line” ledge, I ask: “Can I go in front of you? I need to buy these things?”
This guy, to his credit, looked skeptically at me (wearing highly respectable black trackpants) and my purchases, but maybe the carton of milk won him over, because he sighed audibly, but jerked his elbow to usher me ahead of him in line. The upshot? My rudeness saved me seconds — maybe even a minute — over the course of my busy and important day.
Encounter the Third: Totally weirded out by the success of this ploy, I decided to pit my final experiment against someone closer to my own insolent age. Indian corner store, across the street from my apartment. I am buying a can of organic soup, while a tall, swaggering guy close to my own age picks up a bag of tortilla chips and a Cherry Coke Zero.
“Excuse me,” I ask, “can I go ahead of you? I need to buy this.”
“Yeah, I need to buy this too,” he says, positively spearing me with a look of derision. He turns back to the store owner and asks for a pack of Camel Lights, then mutters under his breath, “Crazy bitch.”
The Verdict: Guys! Never in my life have I been quite so glad to be called a crazy bitch! It’s a sign that at least one person in this whole mixed-up world isn’t TOTALLY BONKERS. It really did seem that most people would have been — although not happy — perfectly willing to let me cut in front of them in line, just for having the stones to ask.
I’m going to go ahead and assume that this is because it’s so rare for people to talk to or make requests of strangers that they assume in order for you to actually cross that magical line of interpersonal conduct, your need must be dire. Even when, in cases like mine, it visibly was not.
TOTALLY INSANE! And a really cool thing to experiment with in human psychology, but totally, totally not that kind of girl. There’s no sense in acting more important than you are, in my mind — especially when it leads to potentially inconveniencing others. I felt pretty bad both times I cut in line and wouldn’t do it again. Although it is a great reminder that if you want something from someone, it never hurts to ask!
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
Awesome.. I can’t believe 2 outta three were willing..
Although, being the single girl I am, I often make quick shopping trips as you do… and i am always surprised at how many people let me go ahead of them without me even asking! Even when I’m like “no no, go ahead…” they insist! I think it could just be the Texas way… there are a lot of perverted old guys down here!
Also single but male (and very not Texan), and get this “I’ve got 3 items, and the person ahead of me in the queue lets me cut ahead because they’ve got half the shop in their trolley” thing too.
People have had the kahunas to ask to cut me in line before. I think it has something to do with me being a tiny woman, and they figure tiny = nice. I always tell them no and glare at them. If that makes you feel any better.
i love you for this entry, and am still puzzled as to why we haven’t run into each other. not that we would know the other if that happened…so maybe we see each other a lot? creepy.
Which gives me another idea; The thing that annoys me is the people who are so self-important that they expect the cashier to ring up and pack a mountain of groceries, and never mind the 6 people queueing behind them. See where I’m going with a “NTKOG” on that one?
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, though. There’s no way we should punish them just because their lives are such that they need to buy a lot of groceries, and the fact that there are a number of other people behind them is just a byproduct of the whole line system, which is a totally fair system. What do you propose it would be more appropriate for them to do? Put back half of their groceries? Keep letting people cut in front of them until the store is empty?
They could try helping with packing, instead of standing there like a spare male member at an orgy!
I accept that some people need a lot of shopping; that wasn’t the point. The point was that these people seem uttterly oblivious to the fact that they’re slowing the queue down by doing nothing, and they’re always the ones who seem surprised to then be asked to pay for their groceries too!
Fair enough. I have no problem with them, though. If I have a lot of items, I don’t help with the packing because inevitably any bag I load ends up breaking in about five seconds. Plus, if you really have a ton of stuff, usually they send over a bagger in addition to the other person at the counter. If there are already two people bagging, then adding another is just too many cooks in the kitchen.
Hate hate hate it, though, when people take forever to pay. Haven’t run into this problem in a while now that the machine asks you to swipe your debit card while the groceries are being rung up. But hate people who linger for multiple minutes repacking their wallet after ringing up their groceries. I’ve considered doing that an as NTKOG, but I would feel so awful!
I forgot you had packers over there, at least in some stores. We mostly don’t.
The other thing that gets me about the ones I’m talking about is that they seem utterly oblivious to the fact that there are actually other people in the store; they’re the same ones who will stop blocking the whole of an aisle in the body of the store, and give you a dirty look when you say “excuse me” because you want past! You’ve gone and pushed one of my buttons here (info point; there was no way you could have known that).
I nearly choked on the train trying not to laugh. Just imagining NTKOG being that forward is insane, an the result is equally amazing. Kate Fox or Sarah Lyall or some Brit biographer describes a situation when she tried this and got failed to even approach the people in line due to the internal horror it caused her.
Also on the line-hate list (that makes me agree with Ken O in some respects) are old people who PAY BY CHECK!
Paying by cheque has its points, for example if you need a physical document to prove how much you spent where and when (who actually keeps all their till receipts?).
Wow, Ken O defended paying by cheque. Now I can safely disregard everything he says.
Hi! I’ve been lurking here for a while now… I learned about this experiment in Social Psychology class, and our lecturer suggested we go out and try it, but of course we never did. Thanks for proving that in some cases, it works. =D
WHOA! Past-TKOG: did you seriously just use the phrase “the stones”?! You hate that phrase! wtf is wrong with you.
Loooooove,
Older, Wiser, Much-Chastened TKOG
Someone asked to cut in front of me last week after I’d already put my stuff on the conveyer belt. She’d bounced back and forth between a couple lines already, failing miserably to guess which one would go faster and only asked after about five minutes of waiting behind me. So I felt completely justified in saying no, but I still felt really really bad about it and justified myself to my boyfriend 3 times afterward. Human psychology is really weird.