Not an NTKOG: The kind of girl who, um, rouses her holiday spirit by watching The Slutcracker: an XXXmas burlesque revue. (Not an NTKOG because, dude, near-naked people humping vibrating candy canes onstage? Yeah, I’m kind of all about that.)
The Scene: The Slutcracker, obviously, at the Somerville Theatre in Somerville. And hey, Bostonians? I’m just going to wait here for a minute while you go ahead and BUY YOUR TICKETS NOW! (Shows tonight through Sunday, 8pm, with a Sunday 2pm matinée. GO GO GO!) After our last hang, I suggested the show to Anglophile and Porn Star. And it just goes to show you how cool they are that they immediately said yes.
“Hey, really awesome eating cupcakes with you erstwhile strangers. Wanna go out in a few days and watch people in underwear do stuff to each other?” …not even I would have said yes to that.
From the second the curtain opened on a large woman, wearing frilly underwear and a mesh body stocking, I think we could all sense there was something magical unfolding before us. When she reached down and pulled her cue cards out of her panties, we were sure of it.
The story is basically a retelling of The Nutcracker, with a few adult twists. Instead of a magical nutcracker, for example, Clara is gifted by her dirty-minded grandma (played by a spectacular 70-year-old burlesque lifer) with a big floppy dildo. And instead of the Nutcracker Prince, she cavorts around with a giant pink vibrator — who, judging by his arm and head movements, is of the rabbit breed, if I’m not mistaken. Don’t worry, though: they didn’t change everything. The dance of the sugarplum fairy, true to the original, definitely involved some people popping out from under skirts…
At first, I will admit, I was a bit horrified by how good the choreography was. At least twenty minutes of the beginning of the show is a straight modern ballet: talented dancers, measured movements, some dang Tchaikovsky. But then. But then. Duct-tape pasties! Male pole dancers! Undergarments that are more confection than function! And, of course, SLUTS AND LIGHT-UP HULA HOOPS!
I just can’t say enough good things about this production! Brilliant choreography; vibrant cast (especially the adorable fiancé!); uproariously inventive take on a holiday standard. I was truly laughing from curtain up until the final bow. Plus, one of my favorite things about burlesque culture is how earnestly enthusiastic it is about sex and the human body, in whatever size or shape or texture it happens to come in. There’s something deeply affirming about being able to openly scrutinize the human body and appreciate its awkwardness and occasional ugliness and, despite or maybe because of these things, dude, mind-blowing sexiness. Plus, did I mention sluts and hula hoops?! By god, kids, this is Christmas.
The Verdict: Absolute must-see, rollicking holiday fun not for the whole family. For my money? Total Christmas tradition in the making.
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Um, dudes, at one point, a giant penis-shaped candy cane EJACULATED SNOW. So. Is that TMI Thursday enough for you? Check out today’s TMI Thursday greatness over at Livit, Luvit!
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“a giant penis shaped candy cane ejaculated snow.” That is not a sentence I ever expected to hear in my lifetime. Love it! Now I wish I lived in Boston or was visiting my fam there for the winter.
“Um, dudes, at one point, a giant penis-shaped candy cane EJACULATED SNOW. So. Is that TMI Thursday enough for you?”
I had a good laugh!
This sounds so fun!
I’d also recommend going down to Brookline to see the ART’s production of Sleep No More. They’ve taken an abandoned high school and transformed it into the setting for a production that is half Macbeth, half Hitchcock, and half naked goat orgy.
Okay, so my math might be slightly off, but it’s one of the coolest and strangest things I’ve ever done.
!!! That sounds incredible! Coincidentally, someone else sent me a link to an article about it yesterday, but I didn’t realize it was in Brookline! Sounds like a must-see.
Definitely. I’ve been twice now, and I might even go a third time, since I’m sure there’s more to see. I think you can get a discount on tickets if you use the code “MANIA”, but I’m not sure how long that lasts.
This sounds wonderful!!! Not only do I wish I was there so that I could see it, but I would do anything to be IN that show! I’ve even started writing “adult” versions of some of my favorite musicals in the past, but now that I know they can actually get a following I may have to go back to them and finish!
Sounds interesting. An oddly not irrelevant to stuff I learned/discussed in grad school. Go figure.
By the way, you inspired me to do a contest/giveaway on my blog (though I have few readers. Sigh).
Awesome! I’ll have to post a link to it during my post tomorrow!
Also, your comment is now officially an entry in the “pro” side of my grad school venn diagram.
Oooh, excellent!
I love that you have a grad school venn diagram. (What ever happened to pro/con lists?)
And all this time I’ve been asking God for snow.
Geez.
Can you get me the address of this guy with a candy cane penis?
Ummmm, so, why did you have to go and tell the world that i do this for a living??? And that pink vibrator that I got from “Grandma” is totally posted on my site today . . .
Just sayin’
Kinda coincidental, eh?
LMAO.
You had me at hula hoops.
um, that sounds fucking amazing.
you had me at slutcracker but dude a penis shaped candy cane ejaculating snow is just made of awesome. It is made of awesome and win its made of winsome!
You must go back and take Justice and Muscles!
One more NTKOG idea… trying on wedding dresses without actually buying one? You don’t seem like the type that fantasizes about her wedding the way guys fantasize about Megan Fox… whereas my sister and I are all about the “Say Yes to the Dress” day-long marathons on TLC.
This is a BRILLIANT NKTOG idea! I completely approve.
I left you a little surprise on my website :)
The SlutCracker??? Oh.My.God. I was not sure if you were joking and was going to say it was a dream and then realized you were dead serious and I’m still a little stunned and then the ultimate ending “A giant penis-shaped candy cane ejaculating snow” Yep, I have ‘heard’ it all!! Like that even should be associated with the Nutcracker. Oh. My. God. I am still reeling from it all (LOL)
i am SO MAD not to be living in boston right now!!! i’ve seen this ballet 23i71623517`263 times, as my sister was a very talented ballet dancer growing up, so i think i would VERY VERY much like to see a version with sluts and hula hoops. pout.
Wow. I had something witty…and then I read about the ejaculating cane.
The hot factor of the cuckolded fiancé was underplayed. Gorgous down to the red bow on his briefs!
It was pretty amazing, the choreography was stunning.
haha, you thought he was cuter than I did, dude. I thought he was like pretty okay, but was more transfixed with the super-gay male pole dancer. Man. I friggin’ loved his fedora. And his pole. Dancing.
God, I wish I were in Boston right now!
I hate living in the Bible Belt.
Texas sucks.
There HAS to be one in Toronto, there just has to! I need to investigate. Sluts + Christmas = awesome.
PS, where’s TKOGmom lately? She’s missed!
haha, I think my mom was so scandalized by my meat cleaver necklace that she took a break. That, or she’s trying to train the dogs to wear Snuggies so they’ll be extra-creepy by the time I come home tomorrow. (Those dogs, I swear.)
Remember, dear, the little, greasy, pin head pup wearing the lavender sweater with faux fur hoodie is your very own replacement.
im ripped that i won’t have a chance to see this! my friend saw it last friday and he said it was completely hysterical. fuck me, i want to go!
Not Going to lie, I really want to go to Boston and see this show!! I mean so much I’m looking into a plane ticket for next year!