NTKOG #79: The kind of girl who, instead of just speculating on the personal lives of strangers like a normal person, strides up and DEMANDS CONFIRMATION afterwards!
I am: constantly making predictions about the lives of strangers based on small quirks of their behavior, then narrating the whole thing into a mental novel (she noted wryly, tilting her fedora to cover the steely glint of her keen eyes).
I am not: actually that great at interpreting the behavior of others, it transpires.
The Scene: Last weekend at an adults-only bowling alley/bar in Dedham, on a ladies’ night with Sister, Irish Broad and Snowflake to celebrate the fourth anniversary of Snowflake’s 26th birthday. The wait for a lane is about three hours, so even after we’ve thrown back a few drinks and enjoyed surprisingly gourmet appetizers, we find ourselves lulled into silent people watching.
The majority of the bar is filled with clusters of Lady Gaga-lovin’ woo girls, all leaning a little too long over the shared scorpion bowls, their brassy roots glinting in the light. Among all the youthful revelry, though, one couple stands out: a man and woman, maybe late ’20s. She is short and a little chubby, with long, wildly unkempt hair and the perpetual half-snarl of a girl who has had to learn how to be funny; he is medium height, trim, wearing an expensive but ill-fitting sweater and swirling his chair in wide arcs. They are waiting for their check, and she takes out her credit card and taps it along to the beat of the song blaring in the background. They do not talk or even make eye contact.
Snowflake: Think that’s a first date?
Irish Broad: It has to be. They obviously don’t like each other.
TKOG: But if they were a couple who hated each other, they’d be touching.
Snowflake: But she’s paying!
TKOG: Guys. Let’s find out.
The idea of approaching someone in public to confirm predictions I’d made about them I’ll admit I totally stole from an amusing story on Blonde Monde. Just to up the awk, I drilled the table for a few more predictions. We decided that the couple had met online, and that he was a first-year law student.
The couple was so wrapped up in ignoring each other that it took them almost ten seconds to notice when i stopped at their table; she was still click-clacking her card on the table, while he swirled to look anywhere but at her.
TKOG: Excuse me, this is awkward, but I have a question for you guys.
Angry-Looking Maybe-Dater: What is it?
TKOG: Are you two on a first date?
The pair looked at each other and, for the first time in the twenty minutes we’d been watching, laughed. Like, threw back their heads and guffawed.
ALMD: Absolutely not! We’re friends. We’re ooooold friends.
TKOG: So I suppose you didn’t meet online?
ALMD: We met in college, like twelve years ago.
TKOG: And you’re not a first-year law student, are you?
Swivel Chair Speedracer: I’m a reporter.
I fought my impulse to ask if he needed a secretary, and made my way back to the table. After a moment, the girl leaned over and asked the guy, loudly: “Do we really look that awkward?!”
Yeah, I wanted to say, you totally do. And — spoiler alert — I still think it has something to do with the fact that you don’t like each other! But that, like so many other things, is none of my business.
The Verdict: Dude, this was so much more fun than it was awkward or embarrassing! I don’t think it’s going to go in my daily social-skills repertoire, but next time I’m lookin’ at a dude and really going to die if I don’t find out right then whether he’s a socialist horse jockey, I’m just going to do it. It might end up being a great conversation starter anyway!
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m always looking at ppl and wondering if they’re on a date or if they hate each other. Kudos to you for actually asking!
I love that you just ASKED. It’s such an obvious thing to do sometimes, but we (silly humans) tend to get so wrapped up in what other people will think. Break out of the mold, I say, as you did. Loving that moxie of yours, TKOG.
PS, I noticed TKOGMOM has made a return to your comments area… very pumped about that (even though she insists we shouldn’t canoodle.)
Love it! The husband and I are always making up stories about people that we see.
I feel like I do this when I am drunk. I end up getting a bit tipsy and running into girls in the bathroom at whichever bar I am at. I am a people watcher, so once I meet a girl in the bathroom, I feel like I need to comment on what she has been doing all night, or who she has been with, because I have been watching. Sometimes, if I am too wasted, I get verbal diarrhea, and it doesn’t pan out too well.
I guess I just feel like I am supposed to know everyone, and when I get drunk, I guess I don’t realize that half of what I am asking about is none of my business, and although I feel like we have instantly become BFFs through our one bathroom encounter, it’s probably just the beer goggles. But hey, I don’t have THAT many weird experiences.
Once we have our adventure, I’m sure this will happen to us.
Props to you for going up to ask! I used to do something like that. Back in my 20s, long before I got hitched, when girlfriends and I used to hang out regularly in bars, I had no problem walking up to guys THEY thought were cute and getting the guy(s) to come talk to us. I can’t tell you how many times my girlfriends almost disowned me, which almost equals the number of fantastic nights we had together! =)
You know, maybe she was paying because SHE was a law student with prospects to make buckets of cash and her mom still pays her cell phone bill and he was just a poor guy without a full time job or healthcare trying to break into producing theater.
Or some other scenario, equally unrelated to my personal circumstances.
Dude, totally feel you on the financial struggles of being an artsy 20something. There’s no easy or conventional path to our dreams. But rest assured, dude, you are walking (and sometimes biking) the path of the righteous.
Although it turns out this girl manages a newspaper, so both of them are lashed to the sinking ship that is dead-tree journalism. I’m not even sure how they could afford overpriced fauxtinis…
Love it. Straight from Wonder Boys to TKOG’s life.
It sounds like you picked the perfect Vernon Hardapple to talk to. You burst their awkward bubble and got them to laugh. Shoulda gone through with asking him about secretarial positions — that “how I got my job” story would have been LEGENDARY.
BTW, you can’t possibly be more than, like, 10% accurate at socialist horse jockey identification.
Oooh maybe they do like each other, but after 12 years they don’t want to admit it so they are both trying way too hard to act like they don’t.
At least y’all gave them something to talk about for the rest of the night.
Love my “name”. Love it. They really *did* look that awkward.
We should go back, often, and pick one person each time to create a story about, then confirm our suspicions by asking. Because it was just that much fun!
I love this. So much. I want to do it, immediately.