One in a two-part series about gross things I’ve put in my mouth lately. The next one is TMI Thursday-able. Ugh.
NTKOG #85: The kind of saline-blooded Bostonian for whom no table is complete unless weighed down by a bowl of chowdah (positively brimming, natch, with sliced up — ugh — clams).
I am: afraid of fish and all marine life. Like as in I have a legitimate fear of mermaids. Icthyophobia. It’s a thing, I swear to you.
I am not: going to bore you with the traumatic childhood events that sparked this phobia. Let’s just said it involves my sister waging koi-pond genocide with an algae skimmer.
The Scene: The lovely town of Newport in mythical Rhode Island, where I went to visit my dear friend Physicist. After he forced me to verbally confirm the existence of Rhode Island (I had theretofore been an Island denier), he promised to take me to a restaurant that would win even me over to the local delicacy.
The whole drive over to The Black Pearl, I mentally thumbed through my meager collection of clam trivia. To wit: 1) they are related to snails; 2) aren’t their brains in their feet or something?; 3) they are gross little fuckers, is what I’m saying.
We order bowls and just a few minutes later, the (adorable) waitress plunked before me:
This much I will say for clam chowdah: it’s a big time-saver. In that it comes already looking like vomit. But it smelled like cream and dill and kind of reminded me of Russia, so I tilted a brimming spoonful in my mouth.
TKOG: Hey, this isn’t bad!
Physicist: See, I told you.
TKOG: You kind of have to — chew it, though.
Physicist: Uh, yeah, about that…
TKOG: [thirty seconds later] OH MY GOD WHY AM I STILL CHEWING?!
So much for my glorious career as a chowdah aficionado. Waitress? One roast beef sandwich. Rare.
The Verdict: Hey, at least I gave it a shot, right? That’s the thing about seafood: from what I’ve experience, it’s way chewier than at all acceptable. Makes sense. I mean, the animals it comes from are water-proof, I guess.
My other thing about seafood, apropos of not much: when I eat beef, for example, no matter how friggin’ hungry I am, I’m eating, what, like 1/300th of the cow. But when you eat seafood? You’re eating the whole dude. Plus usually the fifteen other dudes he was hanging out with at the time of his demise. And look, I know there are parts of me that no one would want to eat. Like, if a carnivorous giant popped me into his mouth like a roasted peanut, personal interests aside, I wouldn’t be all that psyched about his culinary decisions. Whole-dude eating: not for civilized people. So. You can go ahead and think about that, chowderheads.
{ 1 trackback }
{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
last time i was at the black pearl, our waitress was being hand-fed french fries by the men at the table next to us. she may or may not have made out with one of them. true story.
Dude, that sounds like total class! In high school, my friend and I used to always cut calculus to go to TGI Friday’s and try to convince the waiters to hand-feed us stuff.
Man, I’d totally forgotten that. Weird but pleasant memory of the days of yore. Much better than remembering the texture of (shudder) clam chowder.
That is exactly why I refuse to eat lobster. All that cracking into shells to tear out internal organs or whatever the hell is supposed to be edible in that stalk-eyed monster’s creepy little body? Not for me. I’ll just take the melted butter please. Maybe a potato.
Personally, I’m not a fan of eating anything with a brain…..
I used to be totally the opposite. My mother boiled veggies beyond recognition when I was a kid, and as a result I spent many years on what I lovingly think of as the T-Rex diet: basically I’d eat anything that could have friends or a dental record.
This inevitably swung the pendulum toward vegetarianism after college, but now, a happy compromise: I’m happy to eat things that once contained brains as long as the brains have been removed. So seafood’s a no-go.
Hmmmm
Does the seafood hatred extend to sushi? That would be very sad.
Sadly, it totally does extend. On which, more tomorrow! Although in the interim, if you can recommend a not-too-scary beginner sushi roll for me to try, I’m totally willing to give it a second go!
Vegetarian rolls? Yam and cream cheese?
i mean, technically speaking… clams don’t really have brains.
and it’s the stomach that’s in its foot… and the foot should be removed before eating, so… you’re really only eating the edible bits anyway.
whole-dude eating is actually kind of yummy.
also? high-five-with-explosion for the phrase “whole-dude eating.”
DETONATE IT!
Dude, also, I love that you — in your official capacity as brain doc — settled the score on the whole brain/foot debac. With clam-preparation tips to boot! Man, though, they’re still just way too grody for me.
Just the thought of seafood makes me ill.
When I was younger my father made this rule – I couldn’t leave the dinner table until I was done with my meal. He thought I was just being a brat about not wanting to eat (think: the kid in A Christmas Story) which was probably true half of the time.
But, this rule continued until I was about ten years old, when I was clearly at the age of decided what I liked and what I didn’t like. But my father was convinced that I liked fish. When I said I didn’t like it, he said “well you never had a problem with fishsticks!” which was true, because they were mainly breading!
I remember this one occasion where my mother made fish filets for dinner. I said that I didn’t like fish, so my mother told me to just take more of the other stuff we were eating that night, when my father intervened, saying “No, she’s just being a brat. She likes fish. She’s eating it.” I said “No, I really don’t like fish.” and low and behold, I had a plate full of fish and was not allowed to leave the table.
I remember first chipping away at the breading, hoping that my mother would notice my attempt at eating the fish, which she did, but that wasn’t good enough for my father. Now that I didn’t have the breading to mask the flavor of fish, I decided I would load it up with Ketchup and salt.
The original amount of ketchup and salt didn’t help, so I poured more on, which made my plate look like it was entirely ketchup. I could STILL taste the fish.
My dad, who had been done eating for an hour, came back into the kitchen and told me to stop playing with my food and to eat it. I cried. I told him it tasted so bad, and I tried to make it taste better by adding salt and ketchup, and it just didn’t work. He looked at me and told me to eat my food and left the room.
Now, this is back in the mid-nineties, and it was also a Friday night. It was about 6:30 when my father cleared his plate, so at this point it was 7:30.
Uhm, yeah, considering that this comment is already the size of the post.. I am going to finish this on my blog! Ha! Tricked you!
I’m a born and bred Roe Dyeliner (we say it that way and think we’re cute. we’re not.), and The Black Pearl is fabulous. I’m sorry the chowdah wasn’t a hit, but I particularly enjoyed this part of your journey.
As for some wussy sushi, maybe a California roll (crab and avacado?) or a Salmon/philly roll? Getting past the texture thing is the whole battle.
I have officially read every single TKOG post and am finally caught up. I feel so proud/embarrassed.
Anyway, good on you for trying chowder. I’ve somehow managed to avoid the East Coast, except for 3 fabby trips to NYC. I’ve also managed to avoid eating clams of any type, squid, octopus or anything with tentacles. I feel I’ve made the right choice.
I do love me a good Walleye sammich from the mighty Mississippi river when I go back home for a visit though.
Dude! You’re a whole-blog eater! I love it! That makes you officially my favorite dude of the day.
I was an avid East Coast avoider ’til I moved here; definitely skipping seafood was (and is!) an important part of my desert-bred regime. Oh man, especially tentacle beasts. Of all the marine life I’m afraid of, octopi are the worst!
Just reading this made me want to vom in my mouth. I only recently started eating seafood at all… and though I currently draw the line at talapia/salmon/tuna/shrimp/some sushi, I have to say I have enjoyed this food venture.
But I don’t think I will ever be trying “clam” anything. I once vomited at the site of someone eating an oyster.
Your turn of phrase sometimes – it’s something else, it really is!
I think that maybe being slightly famished helps one appreciate strange new foodstuffs more. The most important thing is to try it more than once though; believe me, alcohol and raw fish were NOT love at first bite.
The picture looks quite nice but I don’t think I would like to try it. Soup isn’t meant to be chewy!
More whole dudes for the rest of us to eat! *chew* *chew* *chew*
But I guess this means oysters are out of the question?
!!!!!!!! OYSTERS! Oh man, the only positive association I have with oysters is the Little House book where Pa is stuck underground during Christmas and eats all the oyster crackers.
One of my favorite Woody Allen quotes, on oysters: “I like my food dead. Not sick, not wounded. Dead.” Although now that you mention it, I should NTKOG some oysters next!
On the plus side, they don’t involve a lot of chewing. You can just kind of suck ‘em down. May I suggest the East Coast Grill in Inman Square? Their food is pretty delicious, and if you go for brunch, you can make your own Bloody Mary too. Because I realize liquid courage might be a prerequisite.
i am so pleased that i don’t have any.. food problems. i am able to blithely get past any potential issue that others seem to get hung up on: it’s raw? i don’t care! it’s squishy? who cares, if it tastes good! it’s an internal organ? YUM! it’s cute? EVEN BETTER, pass the rabbit!! om nom nom… :-)
So you’re against eating organisms in their entirety? I can understand that… You have to get used to the idea. I like seafood, but it took me a while to get used to eating lobster, considering you see it crawling around the tank at the restaurant. If I was one of those lobsters, I would be doing crazy stuff all the time so that I’d appear extremely unsavory.
Oh my GAWD! Does this mean we can’t be friends?
-I eat raw oysters, paired with champagne, regularly.
-My heritage is Portuguese, which means WE INVENTED FISH
-I just ate a pot of clams, muscles and crab on Christmas Eve, as per my mom’s Portuguese tradition
-The brains are the best part of the lobster
If you want to do oysters the right way, girl, you let me know. I have TIPS!
xo
sb
Well, I love seafood (the two meat groups I could never give up: beef and seafood. Chicken and pork, eh.) But don’t ever, ever live in Japan–apparently in some high-end restaurants the sashimi is so fresh, it’s still moving on the plate when it’s served to you!
omg, that idea literally makes me gag!