NTKOG #86: The kind of trendy bistro-hopper who happily chows down on cold dead fish — because in this day and age, in the words of Adam Brody’s character in Thank You For Smoking, “I guess you kinda have to.”
I am: so pupil-dilatingly afraid of fish that even the sight of my own foot in the bathtub often gives me cause for an alarmed shriek.
I am not: that trendy of an eater to begin with. If that’s not evidenced by my passion for bar food.
The Scene: Cafe Sushi in Cambridge, with Anglophile and Porn Star. Both are big sushi fans, and Anglophile swears that the sushi here will change my life. For better or for worse, though, it’s impossible to say. We hang out by the prep area for a few minutes while I lose a staring match with the gaping carcass of a spiny-headed sea beast. Finally the waitress escorts us to our table and takes drink orders. “A Sapporo!” I blurt out, and when she asks what size: “A big one! Your biggest!” Call me psychic, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the beer will end up being my whole dinner.
I suggest we get one of the chef’s sample platters to maximize exposure, then tuck into my beer ’cause my part of the ordering is over. Anglophile and Porn Star bandy about words like “sashimi” and “nigiri” and I assume they’re just reminiscing about their favorite kabuki troupes, but apparently not, because after a while,some food arrives. Except I’m using the term “food” loosely. Like, look, I may not know much about sushi, but one thing I know for sure: it’s supposed to be cute. Like, huggably cute. I was expecting layered little rolls of rice and nori, with some chopped raw fish shoved under a bit of avocado. What I got instead was:
Holy vomming hell. Just straight-up fish. Anglophile and Porn Star immediately start drooling in foodlust; after biting one of the pieces, Porn Star’s eyes roll back in his head and he points at its mate with his chopstick. “That’s the one. Try it. It’s fucking incredible.”
I chopstick it without looking too hard, hold it up to my lips and — and nothing. For ten minutes I raise and lower the piece to my lips — sometimes I even get up the nerve to hokey-pokey it into (and immediately out of) my actual mouth, but whenever I get close to biting, every fish word I know keeps rushing through my head: Scrod. Chum. Mercury Poisoning. No no no.
By this point, Anglophile and Porn Star have finished the platter and are eyeing my piece of apparently scrumptious dead fish. “It’s not going to taste any better now that it’s warm,” Anglophile tells me. I know this but — scrod.
“Quick!” I tell them, “take my mind off of it! Tell me a story! A good one! Filled with lots of sexy violence!” Same approach I use when getting blood drawn. And it looks like it’ll work, but Anglophile and Porn Star get engrossed in a semantic debate about British heavy metal music, and as much to end the boredom as anything else, I pop the piece in my mouth.
Quick cross-section of my mind during the chewing: This isn’t so bad. The flavors are kind of dainty! It’s soft. Like a marshmallow — a marshmallow … made of meat. That’s the muscle. There’s the skin. Oh god there’s the subcutaneous fat. How do I even–bleeeeech.
To my credit, I did not actually vomit directly on the table. But that’s about the best I can say. I promptly deposited the chewed-up fish into my napkin and decanted about three ounces of straight yellow bile right on top o f it. Then, because all I know about the Japanese is that they are polite, and asking our cute little waitress to carry my fishvom seemed a little oafish even for me, sat through the next forty-five minutes with a rapidly heating goulash of chewed fish and gastric juices seeping a hole through the paper napkin clenched between my knees.
Clearly I was right about one thing: the large beer was in order. And half a bottle of saké afterwards. And a new tube of toothpaste when I got home.
The Verdict: This was ultimate, epic fail. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that any food with the phrase “subcutaneous fat” in its tasting notes is right out for this guy. I’m potentially up for trying this experiment one more time, though, with the mild-mannered sushi rolls I first envisioned, and not huge glistening mounds of raw fish. Anyone have suggestions for good novice rolls?
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Sorry to have failed y’all on the sexy violence front, but hopefully you at least enjoyed some gross-out words on this TMI Thursday. Oh, while we’re at it, don’t forget to vote for the 20SB Bootlegger awards.
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Ewwww and Grosss… That’s really all I can say. I don’t get the whole sushi thing. Not.for.me.
When you live near the water, people HATE that you don’t like to eat fish. The only times I wish I lived in Iowa (or some other land-locked state) is when my seafood-loving friends get on me about not liking sushi.
I’ll eat fish if it lives in a shell. That’s it.
AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA.
You had me at “decanted about three ounces of straight yellow bile right on top of it.”
Mostly because I have done that so many times in my life but just never knew what to call it.
TMI? Oh, well.
So like I said before, I am realllly new to the whole fish thing in general. And for the majority of my life I wouldn’t eat anything except for cheese and crackers and McDonald’s sausage biscuits because I usually gauge my opinion of foods based on texture. Sushi was the last thing I thought I would EVER like.
Your friends definitely made a mistake by starting you out on that sashimi stuff. I hope you really do give it another shot but go for the rolls. You don’t even have to get it uncooked. You can get smoked salmon or tuna… or even something with fried shrimp inside. I know alot of “sushi” snobs look down on the rolls, but I couldn’t really give a rats ass. The main reason I like sushi is because it’s such a social food. It’s kinda cool ordering for a table, and trying new types… but most of all I just love the sake. BUt I guess you can do that without sushi!
Oh, AWESOME. You have singlehandedly completely validated my refusal to ever try sushi. Clearly it is the work of the devil.
Always happy to help a fellow food-phobic carry on our sacred quest! If you’re an advanced phobic, I can also give you some tips on where to get those “no food can ever touch EVER!” military-style plates.
Kidding. Sort of.
wow, friend fail. I like sushi, now, and I can totally relate to the squeamishness of it all. If I was going to recommend sushi to a new person sashimi and nigiri would not be on the list.
You’re right in thinking that some of the cut rolls would be a WAY better place to start. Ones like a California roll have other veggies in the roll so there’s not so much FISH in your mouth. Ones like a Spider roll have crab (which is cooked) so it’s not so icky. A Spicy Crunchy Tuna roll is good for newbies as well, the tuna isn’t an overpowering fish and the hot sauce and sesame seeds give it some different flavor and texture.
Hold off on the Uni – sea urchin, that is an acquired taste that not many people acquire. I was surprised that I liked Unagi – a cooked teriyaki/bbq eel. I never thought I’d ever put eel in my mouth but flavor is incredible.
Blech. I could never get over the raw fish thing. I kind of think you either have to grow up liking sushi or really really WANT to like it in order to enjoy it.
But now that I’m vegetarian I can eat veggie sushi, which is ok. Try that next time. It still kind of smells like fish and it has seaweed in it, so it’s sort of adventurous, but no subcutaneous fat. EW!
First time I ate sushi was with my brother at his favorite place. I took this a a good recommendation. Anyway, I let him do the ordering and then we commenced to eating. Not too far into our lunch, I started sweating. Then I started sweating a lot more.
Turns out my bro’s favorite sushi chef liked to add wasabi to his creations. Lots and lots of wasabi. It didn’t help that I’d added my own little touch of the green stuff either.
That said, I now enjoy going out with friends for sushi every now and again. I agree with svaha in that a good choice would be the spicy tuna roll, and with carrissa that any option with some smoked fish would be good too. The rolls also help in that there’s rice and other stuff in there to take your mind off the fish (but the fish is the good part).
Better luck next time. Keep trying, it’s definitely worth it in the end.
Dude, after many years of basically grinding and snorting wasabi peas, I thought I’d be totally comfortable with wasabi as a condiment. Not so! We got steamed shrimp rolls as an appetizer and they came with a wasabi mustard — I spread a pretty thick layer on, then immediately started weeping because it was so spicy. Mascara dripping down my face, runny nose, the whole deal.
Personally, I don’t count it as sushi unless it’s in a roll. I’m also vegetarian, so I’ve never had the fish part of the experience. I tried sushi for the first time almost a year ago. I liked it ok, but it’s not particularly filling.
Dude, vegetarian sushi I can get much more behind. In New Haven there’s a “creative sushi” restaurant with crazy rolls filled with, like, apricot and pine nuts, or roast chicken and mango — basically normal food in sushi form, and I basically fell in love with that.
Bloody brilliant.
props for the thanks for smoking reference!
Besides its the attempt right? unless you listen to yoda then its all “do or do not. there is no try”
that didn’t help did it?
Shit. YODA said that?! I’ve been misquoting it as the Bible for years…
Awww. Sorry you didn’t like it. My French teacher in high school had a similar reaction to eating oysters. And Claudia felt the same way about escargots, except she wasn’t nearly as funny as you are.
But Claudia is one up on me because I wasn’t wearing a men’s oversized shirt, suspenders, and slouch socks arranged to look like a triple-scoop of ice cream at the time.
Damn, though. Now that I type that, I realize I should have been.
i’m with you on this one… as far as plain, raw fish goes.
everyone else here is right; next time you go, try a roll. something cooked, first. that’s how i got into sushi — and i used to be a fish hater myself when i was younger (this stems from being forced to eat catfish from a man-made pond in a park located in north las vegas for about four years of my life).
california rolls are a good start. my personal favorite is japanese lasagna (“A rich and creamy roll with crab salad and avocado topped with cream cheese and Japanese mayo, then baked until perfection. Served on sweet unagi eel sauce”). my mom and step-family are very much into sushi, so we generally have sushi dinners for birthdays… so i try whatever anyone else orders, and just try not to think about what i’m eating.
the only thing i absolutely still cannot stand about sushi is the roe they put on top of some of them. i don’t know what it is, but i cannot stand the thought of eating fish eggs. blech. be ware of what is on top!
Maybe you should start out by trying some cooked sushi . . . that might help ease you into it!!!
Then maybe, just maybe, if you like it, you can move onto those rolls. I do know that one of my favorite rolls at a local restaurant near where I live is cooked. And I am a HUGE sashimi fan. YUM YUM!!!
ahhh but sushi is so sexxxy! i love it! totally different scene on the west coast though.. (not sure where you’re from). novice rolls: probably california roll. it’s the most common one. the actual slabs of raw fish… i can eat it but not the biggest fan on em either.
I don’t mind fish but I don’t think I could eat that!
DUDE, I AM TOTALLY WITH YOU.
OOPS, that last comment was from Chelsea Talks Smack- was just helping my friend create her new blog and was logged in under her name eek.
http://chelseatalkssmack.blogspot.com/
I love sushi, but am glad I didn’t order it tonight after reading this. Maybe take baby steps with a California Roll or something w/ smoked salmon? Just a thought. Good try though!
Maybe you should try JUST a vegetarian roll first. As far as what next…I’m a fan of tuna and avocado (usually called an Alaska roll?). Eel is also AMAZING, and you should try it…hopefully the texture won’t squick you out.
The whole concept of eating raw fish is weird. I’m sticking with french fries.
Holy Jesus. I love Sushi, but that food looked disgusting. That was supposed to change your life? How, by ending it? That looked highly suspect.
Like the Grinch, I would not have touched that crap with 39 1/2 foot pole. Thank God I’m not eating anything right now.
Friends do not order sashimi for sushi virgins, end of.
The only thing that came close to making me vom while pregnant was the smell of clam chowder. Regular fish is bad enough. The thought of actually eating *raw fish* (raw fish, whose freaking idea was that, anyway?!) kind of makes me want to superglue my lips together. I am so not a fish person.
I adore sushi but yeah I’m going to have to call a “Fail” on your friends tossing you right into the fancy, all-about-the-fish stuff.
These folks have obviously never seen a parent try to sneak veggies into the meal of a small child.
At least you had your beer…which is liquid bread…and thusly good for you.
As has been previously noted multiple times, the error belonged to your friends for trying to start you at such an advanced level. It is somewhat akin to a virgin having anal be her first sexual experience – there was no way it was going to be pleasurable. What? Too much?
well, sashimi refers to the fish, sushi refers to the vinegared rice, and the rolls are maki.
i recommend the basic starter roll of california roll. the crab is cooked, it has cucumber and avocado. (typically it’s imitation crab meat which is made from cooked white fish) ask for it with sesame seeds and you probably will not like the roe.
second i would try a philly roll, typically salmon and cream cheese.
any of the shrimp rolls will have cooked shrimp in it. also tempura rolls have flash fried shrimp or veggies.
they will also make veggie rolls. i started with cucumber rolls, eventually tried a california roll, phily rolls, and then moved onto tuna sashimi. it took quite a while to move up to sashimi, and generally i only eat salmon or tuna.