NTKOG #105: The kind of rule flouting bladder-centric dude who lets an urgency to pee eradicate the societal construct that is separate-gendered restrooms.
I am: a lady.
I am not: sure what y’all other ladies are doing in there that make our lines so much longer than lines for the men’s room. Seriously, girls.
The Scene: Restrooms up and down this fair city for the past month and a half. If there was a line for the ladies’ only, I dashed into the men’s. And, dude? If it’s a single-occupancy restroom (as is the case in so many of the space-starved commercial lots in this pinched city), there is virtually no difference between the rooms. You can use whichever one you want with literally no repercussions. WHY HAVE WE BEEN WAITING IN LINE WHILE PERFECTLY GOOD RESTROOMS SAT OPEN?! We’re like some primitive bladder-masochism tribe that stands around worshipping the blue and white triangular dress idol. What will future cultures think of us. Honestly.
Non-fortress-style men’s rooms, however, were a bit more difficult a prospect. As moxious as I am, I did my utmost to avoid entering one where a guy was peeing at the time, both out of respect for guys’ privacy and because I didn’t want to catch an eyeful of anyone’s junk. (Figurative eyeful, that is. Although, uh, literal too, now that you mention it.)
However, one night, out with the ladies at a bar in Brighton that skews to the youth demographic, I may have had a drink or two too many, and was emboldened to duck into the men’s room. A dude stood in there, poised to decant over the urinal. He locked eyes with me and barked: “What the fuck are you doing here?!”
Ladies, if ever you get in a similar situation — face burning with embarrassment, social reputation on the line — and are already wearing heels and lots of make-up, allow me to give you the five magic words to instantaneously extricate yourself:
“Pre-op. Wanna feel my genitals?”
I’m all class, y’all.
The Verdict: Chalk another one up for “nobody cares what you do, dumbass,” ’cause, truly, nobody seems to care a whit either way which restroom you use. Unless you’re, y’know, watching them pee or whatever. (Please don’t watch other people pee without their consent. Or if you do, please don’t write about it in the comments section.) Although my days of recreational restroom switching are officially past me, if I’m ever at a restaurant with single-stall restrooms and one of them is open, dude, I’m totally using it, regardless of what the little pictogram on the door sign is wearing.
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This would have been more of a TMI Thursday if the guy had actually taken me up on the offer to feel my genitals; nonetheless, I submit it for your approval. Go check out Livit, Luvit for more TMI hilarity! And have you entered to win my iPod Nano giveaway yet?!
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Ohhh yeah. The boy restroom pee. I’ve done it. I’m not proud (or am i?) but I’ve done it many times. It’s truly not fair how much quicker the guys get to pee. I don’t get it. It takes me like 2 seconds if I really focus.
I totally use the men’s room if it’s a single restroom. I’ve gotten some glares from a man waiting outside before on my exit, but as you said, there’s no difference.
On the other hand, I can’t believe you said you were transsexual! That can get you beat up.
Or worse.
“Beaten with beer bottles, sexually assaulted with a broom handle, strangled with an electrical cord and then drowned in a bathtub. His body was later set on fire in a trash can behind a church” – James Jerome Mack, Buffalo NY
“Stabbed multiple times in the head and torso. A cut on her throat measured 9 inches long and 3 inches wide.” – Lauryn Paige (Donald Scott Fuller), Austin TX
“Suicide after being brutally beaten and raped” – Michelle Lynne O’Hara, New York NY
“Died in the hospital six days after being set on fire” – Marcus Rogers, Baltimore Maryland
etc etc etc. 135 this year in 2009.
I really wouldn’t recommend this. Seriously.
Oh that makes my heart hurt to think violence like that is still happening in our society.
Most people don’t realise.
Most people also don’t realise that it’s perfectly legal to fire someone suspected of being trans in 38 states – including many that give rights to gays. Or to deny them use of “public accommodations”, such as travel by taxi, train, or bus, the right to enter theatres or be served at restaurants, even to use public drinking fountains or sidewalks.
In Pennsylvania, a Federal court has ruled that as Intersexed and trans people are neither men nor women, they can’t be discriminated against on the basis of sex. As legal “natural persons” are also defined as being men, women, or children, and they’re not children, they’re “persona ficta”, in the same category as corporations, and slaves used to be.
It’s thus not possible in that Federal circuit to assault or murder them – but their person or estate (as owner) can bring charges of felony criminal damage to valuable property, (ie their bodies), the same way slaveowners could before 1864. They may also be covered in cruelty to animals laws, but there’s no caselaw there.
I’ve decided that men must not wash their hands EVER for them to be that quick in the bathroom, which is excessively disturbing as they actually touch their junk during the process. Just thinking of all the penis hands I come into contact with on a daily basis makes me a little ill.
It’s a miracle we all don’t have hand herpes and don’t tell me that isn’t a thing, cause it totz is.
I love how often you step outside your comfort zone to discover “nobody cares what you do, dumbass!”
That’s been my mantra for ages. In college my friends always acted like I was so outrageous, so subversive, and it just never occured to them that nobody cared.
Me? Completely a shy bladder, and have a hard enough time going with other men around, let alone a woman lurking about.
But as a token male here, I will just say I completely don’t get the line-up at women’s restrooms, I do wash my hands, and I don’t see an issue with anyone using the solo restrooms regardless of gender.
I have a brilliant idea.
Let’s just take over all of the male restrooms.
Entirely.
Reminds me of an incident during finals week at our mid-western mid-major university…
I walked into our palatial restroom to find myself alone with two hot sorority chicks! As I made a motion to the right (toward the urinals—stalls to the left), they just smiled and left.
Were I a bit younger, unmarried, and less of a near middle aged lecherous soul, I’d think it would be okay to finish that fantasy in my head. I’ve never found a need to do so! But I know I can if I ever need to ;^)
First time I ever used the men’s room was at a hockey game. Still, I got through so much faster and made it back without missing a play of the third period.
I totally agree with the single-stall restroom thing. Sure, I’ll probably try to hit the ladies’ room first, but if it’s occupied, why bother waiting? My band room has two single-stall bathrooms, but the gender sign on the door is pretty much ignored by everybody. With only two bathrooms for as many people as we have, waiting around for the “right-gender” bathroom would just be ridiculous.
And arg, are ridiculously long women’s bathroom lines frustrating. Trying to go to the bathroom between classes is practically impossible when 20 girls pile themselves into the 4-stall bathroom that’s the stretch of what the lecture hall will give you. It’s either a) wait until I get home, b) wait until I have a break of more than the ten minutes we get for class-to-class transit, or c) go out of my way to track down those bathrooms in really weird spots that no one else knows about. :P
“…without their consent.”
So now I need PERMISSION from all those Asian women on the internet?
Geez.
Also, “moxious” will now be a word in my vocab. Thanks!
What ARE chicks doing in the bathroom that takes so long? I’m a fast pee-er and I don’t have to check my makeup so that others can’t wash their hands. GET OUT OF THE WAY, JERKS.
Also, I’ve gone in plenty of men’s rooms. They’re filthy, but they get the job done in a pinch.
I get you.
I have done this before… once I actually pulled a guy out and said “dude i really gotta go, so GO!”
At the end, Ladies always go first – or at least we should.
@shine -
Bad pun of the day “…but they get the job done in a pinch.” he he he
Brilliant! That’s the best gonna-use-the-men’s-room excuse I’ve ever heard. I’m going to have to pee in one this weekend just to try and use that line…
“Pre-op. Wanna feel my genitals?”
so I’ve been thinking of starting a post of people of awesomeness/my hero(ine) of the week or month and if thats the case I think with this you just made your case for starting out number 1!
epic.
@ callie – Just as many women don’t wash their hands as men.
Can’t argue with you there Mike. It’s no wonder I don’t like to be touched or have my personal space invaded.
I’m way to weird for my own good.
OMFG I just about died laughing. Aaaannnd I think I might have to try those 5 words sometime JUST to see the poor guy’s reaction. XD
“Pre-op. Wanna feel my genitals?”
Most amazing response ever. I so want to put it in practice someday :D
I think every female has wondered what the heck takes people so long in the bathroom. Are people just not fast pee-ers? I don’t really know. It confuses me.
But this post? Hilarious. So fantastic I shared it on google reader. :)
When I was in college body suits were very popular. There was this one place we liked to drink that always had a line for the one stall bathroom. There was a whole protocol about how unbuttoned you could get before your turn so you could sweep in, pee, wash hands and move outside the stall to do a proper button up so as to be highly efficient.
What a punchline!!!
I can’t believe you told him you were pre-op. PURE GENIUS!!!! I usually don’t run into a situation where I have to go so bad I use the men’s room, but if I have to, I see no problem with it.
I am TOTALLY this kind of girl. In my younger (read: drunker) days, I too even braved the communal men’s room and surprised a few dudes. But I never offered up my junk for the squeezing. Nice work!
Is nothing sacred? Next thing you womenfolk will be peeing standing up!
Actually, that sounds like an awesome NTKOG. You can totally Google instructions.
Read it. Loved it.
The real reason women take so long in the bathroom? Inertia. Guys can pretty much spray toward the urinal as they do a quick 180 in the room then head back out, but we ladies have to stop, pull down pants/tights/underwear, sit down, and get back up. The getting back up is the hardest part.
P.S. Added you to my RSS.
Just be careful not to get caught! Here, in the wonderful state of Massachusetts, if you are caught in the wrong restroom you are supposed to register as a sex offender. I don’t think you’re TKOG!
Holy god, REALLY?! Puritan state!
Which leaves me in a quandry. I’m intersexed, and although my UK Passport (and my ON/Gyn) says I’m female, my UK Birth Certificate says I’m male.
The reason men have their separate restrooms is so there aren’t 2 medium length lines of women outside both doors rather than just one long line outside the blue triangle door. We and our junk need our privacy, that’s why we like to find places to hide it during sex.
Whoa, Muscles, that was one of the most uncomfortable yet erotic things I’ve read since TKOG’s awkward erotica project. :-)
Dear, along with the suggested items to always carry in your purse: please add rubber gloves. You might find that they come in handy with your current lifestyle.
You are too smooth with the pre-op come-back, but like another commenter said, be careful with that because some men still get a kick out of beating transsexuals. Bastards. But anyway, I’m no stranger to the men’s room, and I sometimes prefer it because it’s usually cleaner.
Well, in the spirit of scientific research, I timed myself for a “sit-down #1″ visit, from entering the restroom to leaving it again. So to get in, drop my pants and Ys, sit down, relieve myself, get up and pants etc up, rinse and dry my left hand (right hand was nowhere near my junk other than working buttons and zip; left hand was on the shaft and did not touch the stream) and leave took 2min 30s. If I’d done it standing up, I could have had a minute off that!
Ew ew ew ew ew. Way TMI!
That’s what I was aiming for! :D
In future, please no anatomy lessons or I’ll have to start moderating comments.
I was trained by my third grade teacher, Miss Schutte, to be FAST in the loo. Sometimes I beat men. AND I still have time to wash my hands.
But, yeah: you only have one toilet at home, usually. You just knock first.
@the expatresse – i regularly beat men, too! it’s a little weird when it happens on dates.
i am an old pro at boy-restroom-infiltrating. the 1-holers are dirtier when coded for men, but not dirty enough to make we wait in line for 15 worthless minutes.
I’ve used the woman’s restrooms many when I had colitus. I wasn’t proud but way better than sh*tting myself. And I always left the bathroom cleaner than I found it!
You sparked a memory- At an outdoor concert venue here in Pgh, the tailgators would run up into the woods to pee. Half the time there would be some girl’s boyfriend standing guard
as she squatted near a tree. inevitably he’d spot us and snarl,
“Hey, what are you looking at!” My legendary response right before I got into the last fight of my life, “Someone you could lose forty pounds.” ;)
That of course should be “who”
Idiot
This is soon becoming one of my very favorite blogs!
Funny stories, lots of inspiration :)
totes posted about my dream involving you..
OMG you have balls. Literally. HAHAHA
For some combinations of unclear reasons — her bladder is turbo-speed and I tend to loiter in front of the mirror, drink a glass of water, etc. — TKOG always completed her trips to the bathroom faster than I did. In fact, that was central to her grand scheme living in dorms and when we started dating, as discussed at length in this post from the first month of NTKOG:
http://notthatkindofgirl.net/2009/09/17/tmi-thursday-the-kind-of-girl-who-conducts-business-while-doing-her-business-a-ntkog-that-thankfully-wasnt/
Dears, you MUST wash your hands with hot water and soap prior to leaving the restroom. The length of time to wash is the time it takes to sing “Happy Birthday” twice. Suggest you sing it silently and NOT
at full volume. Should you not have the time to properly scrub then please wear rubber gloves and discard them upon departure in the bin. I’ll be watching you: mothers see all.