Guys! I’ve been asked to preface menstrual TMIs with a warning for my male readers. So here’s your warning: Vaginas bleed. If you don’t like it, don’t have sex with ‘em. (You’re welcome, Muscles.)
Also, enter by NOON TOMORROW to WIN AN IPOD NANO! z0mg!
NTKOG #109: The kind of aggressive oversharer who uses her period as an excuse for everything and makes a valiant effort to keep the world at large up-to-date on her personal, uh, punctuation.
I am: one of those lucky few women whose periods just really aren’t a big deal. I barely notice it.
I am not: going to talk about it when I do notice it. I mean, unless it’s with my girlfriends, obvi, ’cause talking to women inevitably leads to discussions of menstrual blood and wedding plans.
The Scene: My uterus? So here’s a thing about periods, if any guys penetrated my severe warning and made it this far: they are fickle and perverse creatures. And there’s no quicker way to anger them than claiming that yours are never painful or aggravating. I thought of this NTKOG a few weeks ago, and laughed to myself, “Ohhh what an acting job! How could I complain about my light, pain-free period? It is practically a pleasure to host!” Cue me waking up three days later with hyperventilating, blinding, crying cramps. Thank you universe! Universe inside my reproductive system!
Anyway, set out to overshare in a variety of situations, from which, three vignettes:
Objective: Escape convenience store judgment: The Ex always argued I’m unnaturally concerned with the way people behind cash registers perceive me but, dude, you try buying red licorice and a Fresca at 10:59 PM from some translucent-skinny retail girl who weighs forty-five pounds — half eyeliner — and obviously had to filet herself to fit into her jeans. THERE WAS JUDGMENT! There was judgment.
Filet o’ salesclerk furrowed her brow for a sec when she looked at the licorice. I smiled: “Period. Crazy sugar craving, you know? Like mega period.” She looked up and gave the tiniest pulse of a smile. Foolish, heartened, I continued. “The worst part is I never see it coming. Then one day I realize I’m crying at 30 Rock and surrounded by empty pudding cups. Menstruation, eh?”
The smile wiped off her face as she gave a dignified moue of disgust. Sooooo. I guess I know whom I’m not asking if I ever need to borrow a tampon.
Objective: Tardiness with impunity: It has come to my attention, over the years, that girls periodically use their periods as an excuse for being late. I’m … just not at all sure why. But damned if I wasn’t going to give it a shot. Due to an admittedly avoidable cause, I was running about ten minutes late for the writing class I’m taking, which is taught by an elderly woman and attended by four other students. Awesome, dude. My Cher Horowitz moment.
TKOG: Sorry I’m late. I’m like super menstrual.
Old Hippie Instructor: I’m sorry, what?
TKOG: Oh, you know, I’m like on my period in a major way.
OHI: Wait, what does that have to do with you being late?
TKOG: Uh, cramps?
OHI: [reproving glance]
TKOG: …midol?
Not quite as quotable as surfing the crimson tide, it transpired. And still haven’t solved the mystery of why periods excuse lateness!
Objective: Avoid credit card minimum in sourpuss convenience store: A different convenience store next to my house, the employees of which are positively draconian about their $5 credit card minimum (a policy which, btdubs, violates companies’ terms of agreement with credit card companies). I was picking up a travel pack of Advil to ward off a random headache, but the total came to $2.18 and I had no cash.
TKOG: Dude, seriously, please help me out here. I’m begging you.
Surly Clerk: $5 minimum. Buy something else.
TKOG: But I don’t need anything else! I’m on my period and I have terrible cramps and I need an Advil right flippin’ now.
SC: Sure. If you pay in cash.
TKOG: Dude, come on, my cramps are so bad that last night I dreamed I was giving birth to a llama.
True story, btdubs. Dude wouldn’t relent. So in desperation I glanced behind the counter at the tiny home-improvement section and, remembering the leaky aerator on my kitchen sink, asked him for a set of pliers. He rang ‘em up and looked at me for just a moment, confused or at least a little surprised.
“Yeah,” I told him, ripping open the Advil as I walked to the door. “Just, like, in case a tampon gets stuck?”
You’re welcome for the visual, sir. You could have just sold me the damn Advil. But whatever, mind the mood swings, ’cause if you hadn’t heard, I had a good excuse.
The Verdict: Ugh, still not sure why women sometimes do this. I’ll admit I’m a little on the prim Victorian side when it comes to discussing bodily functions (except, apparently, on the blog — yikes), but I just don’t see what possible good can come from bringing up your period with people who aren’t actively seeking a menstrual-based conversation.
That said, as someone who enjoys behaving badly, I did quite appreciate the pale mottled shade of green the last guy turned. So. Keeping it in my bag of tricks as an emergency-conversation-escape smokebomb.
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TMI Thursday! Meta-TMI about giving TMI! Go look at Livit, Luvit for more TMI! Also, while we’re housekeeping: new comment policy, kittens. If your comment friggin’ creeps me out, I will delete it wantonly and without warning. This policy will not apply to 99.9999999% of comments, but I am hereby reserving the right forever.
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My fave quotes from this post:
“filet o’ salesclerk”
“Menstruation, eh?”
And you know you gave that guy a mental picture of pullin out a tampon with a pair of pliers. Haha.
Yeah, I never get the ‘late’ thing either. I guess you’re in the bathroom changing your tampon and it takes a long time?
The only thing I ever use it as an excuse for is being grouchy because DAMN IT life is ten thousand times more serious and mean around then.
I don’t get why women do this either. Never mind the TMI factor – it’s just plain rude to behave badly and then use your period as an excuse. Not to mention, it gives all women a bad reputation when some girls whine “I’m on my period, so you need to treat me like I’m about to fall apart.” For the record, I don’t suffer from mood swings or cramps (and now I’ve probably jinxed it just like you did, good thing I’m not superstitious). Sure, that makes me lucky, but it also makes me extra annoyed when I really am mad or sad about something and someone (usually another girl actually) claims it must have something to do with my period. We need to stop this silliness.
I know what you mean about being judged by the sales clerks, but pretty sure I could never overshare like that with one of them! Still make me laught though!
I’m always late. When I’m on my period I’m just absent because I am probably semi-conscious at best and can’t actually leave the house. No jokes. I have no problem talking about this to anyone to whom it becomes relevant because they have to know that I am not in any way a pussy – even on the Pill I have the most terrible period pains ever, and it’s not the kind of thing you can not talk about (‘so, Jenny, whatcha doin’ curled up on the floor?’ ‘ So, well, sympathy for the bad one and I really hope it doesn’t happen again!
My ex was a saint too – one time when it was really bad he found me collapsed on the bathroom floor obviously failing to brush my teeth and helped me out of my clothes and into my a big baggy t-shirt of his and into bed; put my phone just within reach (I always slept in the spare room at his house) and went off to find a hot water bottle (no luck). Came back and told me to just ring him up if I needed anything in the night, ‘even just a cuddle’, and this is a man who *needs* his sleep. Actually offered to carry me, the next day, from his car to my front door, but I hobbled instead…!
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with talking about periods as such – just that it isn’t always necessary, you know?
Your ex certainly does sound like a saint! There’s nothing more devoted than offering to give up sleep for the one you love. Also, dude, I really want to buy a hot water bottle now — that sounds nice.
I thought having your period meant you weren’t ‘late’. Shows what I know.
And yes, I hate the $5 minimum, too. I may bring up the ‘violating terms of agreement’ clause next time they bust me.
To be fair, if it’s a small store like TKOG implies, they probably have to pay something like 3% of transaction value with a 14c minimum on card payments, so the CC fees on the Advil might totally kill their profit margin.
You’re absolutely right — it does cut into their profit margin. And I try to support small convenience stores, even if it does mean paying over the odds. Kind of the urban equivalent of shopping at farmers markets (which I intend to start doing here once it warms up enough!).
But sometimes they’re ridiculously stringent about the $5 policy. I’ve bought things that rang up to $4.99 and had them tell me I had to buy a pack of gum or something to get the total up — they pretend the machine doesn’t accept orders under $5, which is ludicrous! I was hoping he’d waive the policy because I don’t have much cash to throw around and I was in dire need. Well, that, and I wanted to test my TMI negotiating skills!
Yeah, that is the sort of @$$-hattedness I’d expect a small shop to drop for a regular customer. I mean one time there was a power outage here, and my local shop gave me several packs of Duracells saying just to pay them next time I was in and the till would work.
From what I have been told, some women’s periods just randomly start, so they have to go change what they were wearing and stuff, so that can make them late for things. But, I mean, that’s wicked embarrassing to say, so I don’t know why you would say that.
Also, convenience store dude totally deserved that visual.
For my own tmi, the bc I’m on means I only have periods a couple of times a year. Best idea ever. I’m totally that woman who has cramps so bad I have to stay home and be curled up in a ball all day.
Wow, that guy really likes to stand by his store policy. Maybe you should given him all the bloody details in full gore and see if he relents, lol…. that works wonders on most men. Give him enough details to make him choke on his own vomit and he’ll think twice about the $5 minimum!
- Prexus, Author of MEN in Menstruation
Dear, please call your mother: we have much to discuss, or perhaps I should avoid your Thursday posts. Add to the essentials in your purse several quarters (ten pence Ken O, dear), a couple of “personal” items and Advil. Pliers should not be required, but please continue to carry the hammer. That little purse of yours is getting very heavy, dear–very heavy.
You missed $10 for cab fare! :P
Ken O, dear, that was only a partial listings of items to carry in one’s purse. A twenty, lipstick, hankie, rubber gloves, wet wipes etc. were previously suggested. The list continues to build. I’ve long thought a rain poncho was an excellent idea, but one sans that deplorable rodent. Personally I always carry a Sharpie and “Scotch” tape along with plastic bags (in case the pups act up).
haha, TKOMom needs to write a guest post about what a proper lady should always carry in her purse. It’ll be a handy compendium!
For “purse” read “frame rucksack”? ;)
I love talking about my period. I use it practically any chance I get. Not really. But for the last 3 months I’ve been on it. So I think I have an excuse to overshare. No? My bad.
I TMI quite often about my period with my friends and Current Guy. But never with randoms, I really don’t want anyone thinking about my vag unless they know me *insert creepy stare here*. I do enjoy casually mentioning Captain Bloodsnatch (what I now call it thanks to a/n hilarious friend) to people who have no idea what I’m talking about and then walking away. That’s more about the enjoyment I get from confusing others than it is about my need to overshare.
This was hysterical. Especially the preface. Vaginas bleed. End of story. See, I’m one of those people that are honest about things, but I’m not a complainer. The hubs always knows when something’s going on, but ladies, this is part of life. Let’s just deal with it gracefully.
I’m with you on this one – I don’t even like talking about it to my friends, beyond “hey, roommate, where’d you put the painkillers, these cramps suck.” :P Maybe because I never heard anyone *ever* talk about that stuff in public when I was younger, but I just don’t think it’s something that needs to be shared with the world.
And never feel bad for late-night junk food purchases! One of my roommates went to the store late the other night and came back with a couple *bags* of chocolate and chocolate-related items. (And this is a guy.) The clerk actually asked if he was having a party. His response? “Nope, just a Monday!” It was great.
“Are you having a Party?” “No, just a Monday!” has just become my new excuse for buying junk food! :)
I’m taking your threat to erase creepy comments as a challenge. I want to make it into the .0000001%!
And the late excuse requires the addition of the word “accident”. It’s “period accident”, which calls up images of washing your pants out in a public restroom. There are never follow-up questions.
PERIOD ACCIDENT. You are awesome.
A) Coincidentally, I learned what Midol was in Comp I (shortly after learning how it felt to have everyone in the room, prof included, have a hearty laugh at my expense). Again, this is what happens when you’re homeschooled.
B) http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=40317053
This made me laugh out loud, particularly the pliers bit. One time, a pharmacy was closing, and I needed a bladder infection prescription DESPERATELY, so I announced very loudly what was happening. It’s funny how total embarrassment will shame people into giving you what you want…except for that pliers jackass.
My mom told me flat out that periods were never an excuse for anything and I have lived by that. Now, I was allowed to stay home from school when my cramps were nausea level high (cats make really good heat pads, by the way) but other then that? No excuse. Her main thing was being a bitch because of PMS.
Now, I’m someone who does cramp hard (on or off the pill, although MUCH worse off) and I have mood swings that could kill if they were left on their own. However, I always make myself think “What time is it? Are you REALLY this upset that he left his dish on the table or are you PMSing? Think about it and scream later if you’re still pissed. Otherwise, shut up and go get another brownie.” I find it helps my relationships survive. And the backyard has more dead body space.
The late thing? No clue about that. Weird… But I’m really glad you gave that hard-ass the parting visual with the pliers.
So, I speak freely about so many things, especially to girlfriends, but really, unless there is a potential health hazard, just unnecessary. Keep it to yourself. I don’t discuss the frequency or urgency of urination either. Seriously. Ick.
By all means, testing out these excuses women use was a fantabulous idea in theory, but, as you found, without the conviction, even those ploys were rather uneffective.
…at least you gained some knowledge on tampons last week when you were over at my apartment. Save super tampons to those who really suffer and need them (yup, that’s this girl).
BTW: I feel that your readers deserve to know that my cramps and mood swings were so bizarre in high school that Mom (and the rest of the family) used to call me “turbo, psycho bitch.” yes, true story.
I believe the phrase was “turbo bitch on wheels”…
Actually, dear, it was “turbo psycho bitch from hell.” Oh, I do miss those days when you slammed the doors, scowled,
demanded brownies and and papaya, and turned your head like that dear little actress Linda Blair. We empty nesters miss the drama.
I’ve got to know; how do you get green pea soup out of soft furnishings? ;)
I think that excuse really only works in high school, it’s also an excuse to get you out of all physical activity (not just swimming). And I knew a girl that was absent a week a month for it and the school bundled up her work and sent it home with her. Wouldn’t it be great if you didnt have to do any work when it was “that time of the month”?
Love this post. Made me laugh out loud and nod in agreement.
waitwaitwait.
is it a “true story” that you dreamed about giving birth to a llama, or that you told the clerk you dreamed about giving birth to a llama?
because if it’s the former, then, dude, mad props for creative unconsciousness.
Dude, both stories were true! I was pretty proud of my subconscious for that one.
Holy crap, I absolutely love this one. I tried using my period as an excuse to get out of something, and it totally worked. But I have a feeling it did only because it made whoever I was talking to uncomfortable. Yay. (!)
This post was the best! The pliers bit was hilarious. I also think your mom needs to write a guest post because her comments are hilarious.
I used the period excuse the other day to get into a restroom that was “customers only”