NTKOG #118: The kind of giggly sororstitute who sashays into a casual bar on a Monday night and demands orgasms, sex on the beach(es), redheaded sluts and other mega-questionably crafted cocktails.
I am: a pretty serious boozehound. Go ahead. Smell me. Gin and cigars, sir.
I am not: diabetic. Yet. Try to calibrate my boozin’ to keep me thus.
The Scene: Brighton Beer Garden with the lovely brookem, out for some Monday night cocktails. All first-time blogger meets are — it cannot be denied — supremely first-datey. But after a few seconds of “who are you in real life? what do you do?” back-and-forth monologue, we fall into an easy conversation that drips liberally with TMI.
You know the convo. Guys who couldn’t get the condom on, the perils of breaking in virgins, …crampiness. I fill her in on the joys and perils of taking a blowjob class and we sip for a moment in contemplation.
Later, as we finish our third round and begin to move toward the inevitably homeward barstool shift, I turn to her. “So what NTKOG are we doing tonight?” After only a second, she asks, “Well, speaking of blowjobs, are you the kind of girl who would ever — order a blowjob shot?”
My inner classic cocktail snob recoils. Any mission that sparks this much disgust, though — it’s perfect. We wave the bartender over and when she asks what we’re having next I start with bravado: “Can I get a–” then my vocal chords constrict. Goddamnit, TKOG, channel Cancun, sorority socials, reality TV! “Can I get a … blowjob shot?”
The waitress reassures us that 9pm on a Monday is a perfectly fine time to be ordering shots (enabler!) but the bar doesn’t have whipped cream. What’s in a blowjob? she asks a fellow bartender. “Yeah, we don’t have whipped cream,” the woman smiles. “The cream is the best part of a blowjob.” Uh, agreed?
We brainstorm for a few moments about similarly embarrassing cocktail, when the original bartender suggests a slippery nipple. A moue of approval rises from the chorus. After I send the bartender off to slip up some nipples for us, brookem turns to me: “What’s in a slippery nipple, anyway?” No clue, but I have a gut instinct that it’s the same ingredients as a Cocksucking Cowboy.
Two nipples, ripe for the slippin'.
Bailey’s. Butterscotch schnapps. My god, do they sell this in Big Gulp size?! I was, in fact, so enthused by the discovery that I immediately had to share it with someone by finally making good on my threat to send a man a drink. One lone man sat across from us in the sea of couples, so I nodded toward him and asked the bartender to send him one.
Brookem and I were all fluttery feminine optimism for the four point five seconds it took us before she noticed the orphaned beer sitting next to said dude. Oh god, what if I’d sent a drink to a guy with a girlfriend? Was I an attempted homewrecker?! The beer’s owner returned from the restroom and — even worse. The worst, in fact. The guy was super mega cute. I mean, picture Vince Vaughn crossed with Conan O’Brien. Now stop picturing him because he’s MINE ALL MINE.
Bartender ignored my frantic flagging to send the drink to the cuter guy and placed the shot in front of the first guy, nodded over toward me. The guy raised his glass to me; I grimaced. Then he tasted the vaguely alcoholic sugarbomb and it was his turn to grimace. Pale waltzing lord, I managed to send a guy a drink gayer than three dudes hanging out by a wishing well in front of his cute friend. Do I win at dating forever or what? Brookem and I finished up our convo and skrinkered out of there right quick, studiedly avoiding eye contacted with our buttered-up comrade.
The Verdict: So embarrassing drinks, it turns out? Exist for a reason. Cute guys? Um, we already know their purpose. ANY MEETING OF THE TWAIN? No, no, oh my god no.
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GOONIES!!!! You just *know* that I got the reference…actually, I’ll be the only one since I was the only one there to hear it. That Troy!
Anyway, where the hell is the Brighton Beer Garden? I didn’t know that there was one. Oh, and the girliest shot I’ve ever done is a pineapple upside-down cake. Anything with grenadine is automatically girlie.
How ’bout the “cunt pump”?
It’s something like tomato juice, mustard and vodka garnished with a tampon!
Eeeek! Yeah, as a feminist and as a lady I would knee any guy who ordered that in the groin so fast.
This really makes me want to go out drinking. Perhaps a mid-week drinkfest is in order…
Dear, is it Thursday already? Your mother is very confused.
What happened to”May I please have a glass of your house red?”
Ahhh the Blow Job shot. We always take them with our mouth… you know pick the actual shot glass up with your mouth and afterwards your lips are covered in cream. Awesome. hahaha I’m laughing really hard at the comment up there referencing a “cunt pump.” Ewewwww
OH!! An I freaking love the site!!
Oh dear, I think I *was* that kind of girl (the kind who would order a blow job shooter (or 5) back in my barely legal bar-star days. Mind you, I also thought ordering a “Blue Hawaii” was really sophisticated (as all drinks named after Elvis movies are…). Luckily those days are long behind me. But man, those drinks sure taste good. Too good.
Love the new look, and this post as well. Makes me want to go and order something raunchy myself.
Oooh, love the new layout! And I think I need a drink.
i had such a fun time!
loving the new layout!
Something about drinks like that, make a girl do things that we might not normally do. Oh wait, no, that’s just drinks in general. Or is it cute guys? Aah, well. Whatevs. Sounds like fun was had, that’s what counts.
BTW, I hadn’t read the Blowjob Class post, it’s full of awesome. Impressed by the lengths you have gone to for your mission.
love the new layout … but why can we not reply to comments of others? :(
the girliest drink i’ve ever ordered is probably a lemon drop martini. embarrassment prevents me from ordering anything else.
do you remember the grasshopper joke from mr. g’s class? i’ve tried making it my mission to drink a grasshopper, but every time i remember, the bar lacks the ingredients. sigh.
[a grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender's all, 'dude! we have a drink named after you!' the grasshopper pauses and then says, 'you have a drink named murray?']
1) FIXED IT!
2) Grasshoppers are embarrassingly, insanely delicious. But they’re another drink I think would taste better when swizzled into a liberal amount of hot cocoa.
3) Man, Murray is so indisputably the funniest possible name for that joke. Love it.
Great story. I think it’s okay for girls to order those shots as long as they don’t do the “wooo” celebration before or after taking it. Just cheers, down it and be done. It’s not like it’s so difficult to drink a shot that it deserves to be a spectacle. Although you have to love a girl who gets excited about a blowjob.
By the way – great new look.
Haha! I’ve only seen a blowjob shot once in my life. It was pretty hilarious and vaguely uncomfortable to watch, only because I was the DD and there was massive sexual tension in the group. Next time you need to send a real drink to another guy! Does it count if you’ve already done it once as a NTKOG?