TKOG Who lives and dies by the screen, to say nothing of reading by it

NTKOG #120: The kind of part-android nerdette who cannot indulge any hobby without fully digitizing it — including reading 75-year-old books.

I am: guilty of staring at various screens for probably sixteen hours a day. I can’t even take a long shower without starting to twitch for my iPhone.

I am not: so digitally obsessed that I’ve forgotten the single greatest pleasure in life is curling up with a great book (and a hot toddy).

The Scene: The friggin’ internet, as per uzh. Ever since I first heard about them a few years ago, I’ve sworn up and down that I would never — NEVER! — use a Kindle; however, when I downloaded some (free) Wodehouse on the (free) Kindle app for iPhone, realized it was time to admit that there may be a place in my life for digitized books. Sure, they may lack physical heft, asethetic charm, conversation-starting opportunities, any link to tradition, and the ability to be read in the bath, but — wait, fuck, why was I doing this again?

Still, since I’m always one for GOING BIG, I set my goal: to read Gone With The Wind in entirely digital form.

At first, this was going exceptionally well: I found the link to the novel on the Australian Project Gutenberg, and kept it open in a window of my browser at work all day. Over the course of a couple of slow afternoons, I read about a quarter of the book. I was also like kind of completely unemployable. While collating papers, filing extermination reports, waiting for the phone to ring, I was completely lost in the most scintillating literary soap opera in the history of American letters.

“You’ve reached [TKOG's Company], my name is TKOG. How can I help you?” I would choke, while Atlanta burned.

“Are you — are you crying?” dude on the other end would yelp.

“We’re just [sniff] so happy to get your call. How can I help you?” Oh goddamnit, Rhett Butler, YOU ROGUE!

But while reading online was actual more convenient for work (procrastination that looks way more legitimate than facebook or blog-stalking!), my little system fell apart during the times that I should actually spend reading. On my honor, and because I already own two used copies of it back in California, I opted not to shell out $8 for access to the novel on iPhone Kindle. Instead, I swindled Margaret Mitchell’s estate the ghetto way, by emailing myself three-chapter chunks of the novel to read on my phone during the commute.

Fun fact: If you see someone reading a book and weeping gently while on the bus, you might — if you are of a literary bent — assume they are a kindred soul and smile on indulgently. If you see a chick clutching her iPhone and hyperventasobbing, there is only one logical conclusion: text-message break-up. (You can’t text-message break-up! You can’t text-message break-up!)

The other big way in which technology has made reading worse is that technology and bathtime don’t mix. And since basically all the times are bathtime in the TKOG manse, this was a problem. I dragged in my end table to attempt to set up a reading station, but even between my keyboard condom and generous plastic bag covering, was too freaked out to scroll. GWTW may be good, but it’s not worth exposing my computer to a watery death.

The Verdict: If I were really beating myself up, I could probably finish this, but as it is, I seem to have stalled about halfway through the novel — and this is after three weeks! If I’d had a paper copy, I would have finished it three times over by now. So. If you live in the Boston area and want to lend your used copy of Gone With The Wind to a broke Rhett Butler aficionado, dude, I (maybe) promise not to read it in the bath!

That said, online reading is awesome at work, and probably would have worked out much better if I hadn’t been so bullheaded about choosing the longest and weep-in-public-iest novel ever. Dude, though, what can I say. I could watch 90-year-old man choke to death on a leukemia kitten and merely Tweet a “:-(” about the spectacle, but something about the written word just sends me off crying jags. Good way to score a double-seat to yourself on the bus, I guess.

Tagged as: gentleman and a scholar, great fucking book, gwtw is like trashier than degrassi -- i love it, i'll admit i TOTALLY drag my laptop into the bathroom for house marathons in the bath, literary, nerd, posts that kind of don't make sense, reading