NTKOG #124: The kind of hopelessly romantic computer geek who braves the sketch-haze of Craigslist and actually tries to meet a human being there.
I am: continuing yesterday’s post, so go ahead and catch up if you haven’t. (If you’re too lazy, the basic gist: a lengthy Craigslist personals ad requesting that a man be, in short, brilliant, weird, and wonderful.)
I am not: cheating by making this a second NTKOG! Deciding to write the post was scary enough, but answering the emails? Whew.
The Scene: Having decided it’s even a remotely good idea to turn for romantic support to a website that’s basically an online halfway house for the criminally insane, I logged into gmail and waited for emails to show up. I figured one or two guys might email me (“u r zoooo prentenshus! y u hate men?!” “z0mg lezbian u r a dick ‘n’ u have a dick 2!”).
Within ten minutes, I already had five emails. A couple of them were obvious cut and pasters who don’t even bother to personalize their typical responses (6’2″ SWMs who play chess on their BlackBerries while mountain-climbing — sure.), one or two badly punctuated emails from guys who clearly thought I was joking about the intelligence thing. And then –
AND THEN. The best fucking reply I ever could have imagined.
My name is Gregory House, though my underlings just call me House (that’s right, I have underlings). I work as a diagnostician, and exclusively take on cases resembling an impossible medical nightmare; perfect for my brilliant mind. By the way, did you know that people often mistake inductive reasoning for deductive reasoning? The difference is actually pretty significant, yet I continue to make that mistake on my show all the time!
I could keep going, but I just had to respond to your post. I got a good laugh from it and thought I’d return the favor. Plus we’d never get along, not a fan of Gatsby.
Sister complained I don't have enough pictures, so here are a few of my imaginary boyfriend in the bath. Isn't he dreamy?
As emails continued to flood my inbox, I received dozens more missives like this — men who weren’t right for me, who knew there’s no chance of us being a fit, but who saw in my message a kind of outsider yearning to which they could relate only too well.
I’m not the weird, wonderful, brilliant guy for you, and I don’t think you’re the girl for me, but I hope you find him. There’s someone possible for both of us. Thanks for writing something honest, and something that didn’t bore the fuck out of me.
You ask for a great deal, but I did date a girl once who knew somebody who had Carl Schmitt’s ex-dentist, so if Nazi ex-dentist jokes qualify for pedophile ex-dentist jokes, we might get along.
In fact I’m a leader like Leonardo, I do machines (the spirit of invention) like Donatello, I’m cool like Raphael (but not as rude), and I can be a party dude like Michaelangelo.
JFK said this whole thing more concisely. Oh well. (He’s not available. I am.)
Indisputable point, sir!
Today at lunch a coworker almost choked on her lunch because a joke I had told had been super hilarious. Imagine killing someone with my humor? I would never again allow myself to be funny. Then one day thirty years from now I’d be put in a situation where I would have to tell a dirty limerick to save someone’s life.
I swore never again to use my power.
Cute, sir. Very cute.
{ 51 comments… read them below or add one }
Needless to say, I would have been instantly hooked on Mr. JFK reference. But that’s just me. ;-) The House guy was great, as well. I really am stunned that there were any intelligent responses. Let alone more than one, two, even three. Amazed!! Restores faith, a bit. I am, what’s this….yes, smiling. Nice.
ha, maybe there ARE some good ones left out there. i hope the sorta-potential-interest emails you back and visits this blog!
“so if Nazi ex-dentist jokes qualify for pedophile ex-dentist jokes, we might get along.” SERIOUSLY? Haha, I love it! Loved Mr. Laurie, too. What a fun experiment. I’m keen to hear about the one at the end…
“…Live in a Bookstore” I spent an insufurable 5 days on a mancation with a guy that changed the newspaper rolls at the Post-Gazzete. and thought because of that, that he knew everything.
Craig’s list Killers well, yeah theres only been 2-3 so far. Ans aren’t serial killers nothing if not intelligent and charming?
Well, only two or three…but one happened to lurk around Boston!
Mind you, he *was* a BU med student, which definitely counts in the “intelligent and charming” department.
Dear, can you see any indication that Mr. House might be a “serial killer?” Now I am worried because the BU med student was every mother’s dream (except for that one little problem, which I’m sure is easily treatable). Even he recognized his problem which is the first step in these type of programs. Is there a Twelve Step for serial killers? One wonders.
Yes, there’s a 12 step for cereal killers, but it goes:-
1) Don’t kill anyone today.
2) Don’t kill anyone today.
3) Don’t kill anyone today.
…
;)
I’m a cereal killer in the sense that if you give me a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a half-gallon of milk, it’ll be gone within the hour.
And Mom, you rule. So hard.
Dear, remember the “twinkie defense” that Dan White’s lawyers used for the murder of Harvey Milk. One would be much happier if Mr. House ate some nice Trader Joe’s multigrain cereal with flax seed and soy milk. Let’s hope he does not eat “Lucky Charms.”
Yesterday’s and today’s posts: BEST EVER.
haha go for ‘Gregory House’. I think he even had me at hello
Right? I totally want to be bff with that guy. I mean, obviously he has to be extremely cool.
Dear, I vote for Mr. House. Due to the underlings he must have a lot of time on his hands to browse Craig’s List. He writes well. I do not believe that real mean “like” Gatsby. They tolerate it, but it is rather a “girlie” book. I was very impressed by the “inductive reasoning,” but it does sound like it is Mr. House’s standard line,
which leads me to believe that he must love those MIT girls, and not the ones from the most PWCU. Still a mother can hope and dream.
Go for House; just agree to differ about Gatsby (You mean the book, not the film, right?)
Gatsby movie?! Perish the thought! Of the movie, we do not speak.
I’ve exhausted my knowledge of both by knowing they exist and who wrote the book. I mean F Scott Fitzgerald is a great novelist that everyone has read or means to read, so it’s as if I’ve read him without my actuallly owning or borrowing any of his books, right?*
Despite the footnote, this is the sort of way my mind works, and one sort of humour I like.
*Shamelessly nicked from a book recommended to me by a near-ex who really did own a bookstore. Today’s challenge to the collective is to name the author and/or book!
Ken O, dear, Gatsby is required reading in USA high schools. It is a very short novel and is much better than the Scarlet Letter and Moby Dick (also required reading and films). It only counts if one reads the book. I heard recently that TKOG did NOT read the Scarlet Letter. It disappointed me greatly as I never knew that one did NOT have to read required reading. It shamed me.
It’s okay, mom! Once I got to college, I ended up reading The Scarlet Letter two or three times! I actually quite enjoyed it, once I read it for pleasure instead of in a bone-dry English class,t aught by a teacher who frequently dressed up in Puritan garb and requested we refer to her as “Goody” (short for “goodwife”) instead of “Mrs.”
Oh high school. Oh humanity.
I never read (the required) Huck Finn, and I think I’m a better person for it.
American Lit in high school is as rewarding as stabbing my eyeballs out with a pen. Seriously, being 16 was hard enough- I can’t believe that I survived a boat-load of Debbie Downers like Ordinary People. That year I had to read the Scarlet Letter, Streetcar Named Desire, the Crucible, Death of a Salesman, the Red Badge of Courage, the Great Gatsby, and Fahrenheit 451 (among many others).
Man, looking at that list reminds me of how indisputably there are only THREE PLAYWRIGHTS IN ALL OF LITERATURE, according to high-school English classes: Arthur Miller, Tennessee Williams, and, of course, Mr. Shakespeare.
On my literary track, we read a bunch of plays, but aside from A Doll’s House and Importance of Being Earnest, I’d be willing to stake money that we didn’t read anything not written by the big three. Of course, I’m sure that’s just the quirks of my program, but now I’m trying to think what other plays are taught. Raisin in the Sun? Pygmalion? All those great old courtroom dramas?
Oh, you know, now that I think of it, we read some ancient Greek goodness too. Antigone, Oedipus Rex and Lysistrata. Still, we read six Shakespeare, three Williams (he’s totally my fave), and two Millers. Totally disproportionate!
Or, if you’re British, Spokeshave (sic), Millar and Oscar Wilde instead of Williams.
I’ve nothing against any of them except that they all wrote plays to be performed on stages, not read round the class and pulled apart line by line by groups of bored High Schoolers!
Personally, I think Spokeshave gets too much credit because he was the first English playwright to have a body of work survive, rather than because he’s particularly brilliant. The little ancient Greek/Roman stuff we read I enjoyed more as being funnier and/or more dramatic (as approrpriate to genre).
Wait. I’d assumed Spokeshave was a “more correct” name for Shakespeare, but find not only nothing to back that up online but no dang mention of this alleged Spokeshave name online. It’s before 7:30am and already this has put a stormcloud over my head for the day!
You’re absolutely kidding me with the Spokeshave thing, right? Man, if anyone were pretentious enough to seriously call him that in person around me, I’d turn on my heel and just walk out the room.
Ah, it was a deliberate mis-spelling of Shakespeare, intended as humour, rather than anything more correct. What do you think of my idea that he gets kudos from the English Lit mafia for being “oldest known” rather than for being “actually exceptional”?
Oh yeah, and has something gone funny with the nesting? My 5:04 and 10:24AM today were made using the reply control on your post above them.
Oh. Was too abstract to pass as humor in these quarters. I can definitely see why you’d have that idea, and I agree that being the oldest known dude with collected works certainly ups the number of people who study him, but I deeply love a number of his plays. Enduring classics in this girl’s book, regardless of who wrote them. (That said, of course, there are a couple of total dogs. Titus, anyone?)
As I remember it, Scarlett Letter was the worst reading assignment in four years of high school. Slow as fuck. (And I don’t swear lightly even hidden behind a pseudonym.) It had a brilliant concept that serves as a useful English idiom to this day, but that doesn’t mean that 16-year-olds need to read 300+ heavy-handed pages.
@The Ex, sweetie, The Scarlet Letter is really short. It’s less than 150 pages. I also happen to have a very sentimental attachment to it due to a particular memory — I’m surprised you don’t as well!
Mom, I sort of expected that; I really did know that FSF is one of the “Great American Novelists” and TGG is one of the “Great American Novels” (note use of quotes and title case).
Moby Dick OTOH; well let’s just say that I’ve read a book called “In Search of Moby Dick” which sort of debunks Herman Melville’s claims that MD is based on his own life experiences, rather than interviewing Nantucket and Boston whalers. The film is well worth watching just ofr Gregory Peck’s performance as Ahab though.
Oh yeeaaah… I forgot about that particular memory… [neither a smiley nor a winky emoticon seems sufficient so I'll leave 'em out].
I could’ve sworn The Scarlett Letter was like 400 pages. Maybe there’s an unabridged version in AP Language?
Dude, I’ll never forget that memory. It’s fantastic! Of course, it’s more my memory than yours, so I forgive your misplacing it.
And nope, The Scarlet Letter is a short book and that’s that. It’s just about the shortest thing one reads in AmLit except maybe Gatsby. It just feels much, much longer because of the way it’s taught. (Back in ninth grade when I had to read it, I couldn’t even get through the Spark Notes, let alone the book. But when I reread it in college, it was over the course of a single afternoon.)
Some of those responses were pretty good. I’m surprised so many people were willing to write you back, and I’m curious to find out about the one at the end and why you picked him. I wonder what this would be like if a guy posted something similar.
Yeah, I simply couldn’t believe how many responses I got! My inbox runneth over. I’m not even replying to any more of them until I stop getting responses — I have no clue how to sort through them all. I’d venture to say that 99.5% of them are either near misses or substantial misfires, but still, it seriously improved my perceptions of the quality of guy who hangs out on Craigslist! Who knew that funny, charming, smart men actually still existed? God knows I’m not meeting them irl.
What guts! I’m so glad you did this. Gives girls like me hope!!
Dude.Seriously. I love that you did this.But I have to say, I’m surprised how many smart/literate people use craigslist!! I guess I’ve seen so many ridiculous ads. I once dated a guy I met on Craigslist… not in the personals though. I put up a fake ad for a job when I was bored… it was quite interesting.
Dude, what?! That sounds amazing. BLOG ABOUT IT!
I’m glad creepers aren’t the only ones who respond to craigslist ads. There are some gems up there, lady!
You know, I always sort of scoffed at meeting people online. Until three very good friends met totally awesome guys that way, and are now all in wonderful relationships. Who’s scoffing now? They are. At me.
I assumed Victoria didn’t have smart, funny men. Maybe they’re all at home, reading Craigslist. Perhaps I shall try to flush them out with an add of my own :)
Oh my goodness, you should do it! I think you might be just as pleasantly surprised as I was! And if you do, then let me know how it goes!
I truly believe the stigma to online dating is eroding. Sure, you can end up going out on dates with some real losers (lots and lots of crazy eye), but it at least helps you meet people outside of your narrow work and social circles! Plus, I require a guy who can wield some fancy prose, so it’s a great early-step filtering system!
House meets Wooster is my dream guy too.
Great post.
Be honest…how many pictures of gross penises did you REALLY get? :)
I did something very similar on MySpace to what you’ve done on Craigslist and ended up meeting my boyfriend that way. His response had me giggling all day and I thought, “I gotta meet this guy.” And wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am, a few e-mails later, here we are. Good luck!
You know something amazing? NO PENIS PICTURES! The “worst” responses I got were very pleasant generic responses by guys who didn’t fulfill my “the brain is the most erotic muscle” criterion. Pretty restrained for Craigslist, eh?
I understand the kids refer to them as “dick pics”
You’re welcome :)
Dear, just speaking as a person and not the proud mother of TKOG, the terms “dick pics” and “sport fu_k” debase sex to a level I cannot even imagine. Please note that I have no personal experience as Sister was immaculately conceived and TKOG via the turkey baster, but this comment did leave me with a very sad, sinking feeling that all is not right with the world. Where have all the ladies and gentlemen gone? It’s time for my Zoloft and I’m signing out of the youth market, dears…..signing out.
Dear TKOG’s Mom, I think I love you.
I wish my mom would admit I’m spawn of turkey baster.
Mom, it is clear from your elegant use of the English language that the children were immaculately conceived. As I contemplated sharing the coined phrase, “Dic Pics” (I think that is much more palatable W/out the “K” don’t you? Though the caps might be a little much), my finger hoovered over the mouse as I weighed how this might offend you. In the end, I felt that not sharing this information to TKOG’s readers at the risk of forever tarnishing your sensibilities, was a personal compromise that I simply was not comfortable with. Though I may leave work tonite and drink more than I should to erase my mind’s eye of your horrified, yet still quite beautiful face, I will be able to sleep well, knowing that I had made the tough, but correct choice. :) :)
No way.. NONE?? That’s amazing.
Thank you, dear. The 200 mg of Zoloft and the 2.5 mgs of diazepam that Dad gave me is kicking in.
It’s nice to at least know there are some good catches out there!
my gf and i at work post CL ads when we’re bored, because we inevitably get 3 days worth of emails to pore through. i’ve met 2 exbfs that way, too! and only one was crazy! (ironically, he was ALSO what ever mother hoped for – my parents did hope we’d marry, right up until he was accidentally the Worst Guy Ever To Have Lived. i suppose i should be lucky he wasn’t actually a serial killer.)
dude, you make me want to try this! haha. just for the fun and sport of reading my answers. actually, the house dude’s response totally SWOONS my heart. A++ for creativity!