NTKOG #126: The kind of steely-nerved oversharer who opens the vault and tells THE STORY. You know, the one that makes her shake and blanch, the one that was not intended for other ears.
I am: prone to writing y’all lengthy passages of prose-poetry about mucous bubbles and the teeth of institutionalized poverty — what to TKOG could be untellable?
I am not: sure you’ll still like me afterwards.
The Scene: Rebel Mel’s lovely blog a little lady’s thug life! That’s right, I’m excited to be able to host my story over there, because I’m a stickler for my fairly rigid entry criteria. Doesn’t leave me much room to dig into my vast and storied vault.
In re: this story, all I can say is: you know how sometimes friends get together and swap stories? Casually at first, then — as the competition mounts — with ruthless intensity, digging through every scrap of their experience and observations, drawing on the tales of friends and distant loved ones, locked in a ferocious, blood-thirsty match to be recognized as the alpha humor at the table?
When a girl and I are talking about bad hook-ups, this is the one story I will never repeat. Not even if it costs me the win.
So click here to read about The Least Hygienic Hook-Up Ever (and how it made me momentarily internet-famous).
The Verdict: Ugh, not sure it feels better to have that off my chest. Just don’t hate me, loves, and happy TMI Thursday!
Also, not to be totally sad? But take a look to the Google Friend Connect box on my left sidebar. Notice it’s not looking particularly … robust? If Google Friend Connect is the sort of think you’re occasionally obliged to participate in, and if you’re signed into google already, perhaps you wouldn’t mind joining up? The combination of seeing the number 13 and feeling friendless is totally giving me PTSD middle-school cafeteria flashbacks to being the chubby braces girl knocking back Orange Drink while the skinny-bitches-in-training sipped Diet Cokes and judged judged judged.
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Wow…I want to comment, but don’t know what to say. I certainly regret some of my past hookups. The part about what came out of his hear..*shudder.*
Oh and I don’t get why you were getting hate mail. Seems to me the dirty guy should have been the one recieving hate mail. That could not have been pleasant.
I read that, and instandly thought of Phil “Philthy Animal” Taylor of British heavy metal act Motorhead!! I’d have done the same if it had been me!
hand print hives. HAND PRINT HIVES.
Yikes…I’ve made out with a dirty female or two in my time (not that I knew it when we started) but that sounds pretty gross. Hell hath no fury like a blogger scorned.
I want to go eat lunch because I’m hungry but I’m afraid to do it now. The possibility of throwing up has increased from 0% to 86.2%.
Thanks TKOG!
ew. ew. ew. ew. ew. ew. hives – HAND PRINT! – the ear…. ew. it’s funny, like so many years later, right? …right?
anyway i didn’t know what google friend connect was, but i added myself. i still don’t know what it is, actually.
One day, I hope. A few months ago, I looked up the blog entry he’d written about me and I couldn’t get more then ten words into it without hyperventilating. One day, though…
I’m actually not all that sure what Google Friend Connect is either, but I always sign up for other bloggers with it, in case they know what it’s for. It looks like some sort of RSS type thing, but I don’t know why Google would introduce anything to compete with its own most excellent Google Reader!
I’ll be honest, I’m just lamely seeking a badge o’ popularity because I dream of one day being a blogger with “minions” whom I can send missives like “Minions! Today you shall all donate a dollar to leukemia!” and everyone does adn then a few days later some other blogger is like “wait, was that money for or against leukemia?!” but I don’t have to stand for that because I’m like “Minions! Troll his comments!” and basically life will be awesome.
…or, y’know, not.
Oh gross gross GROSS!
And I thought I had a bad hook up story or two lying in wait.
Hilarious as ever, though. Definitely a great TMI Thurs.
i seriously think i would have punched that guy in the face. except that i probably would have gotten a rash on my fist.
i too have 13 people in my little followers box. :( but someday my blog will be famous. maybe.
For what it’s worth, I read that blog post of his, years ago, which linked to yours. Then I read yours. I found your writing so much more interesting than his that I stopped reading his blog and started reading yours, and I’ve been reading your stuff (and loving it) ever since. You have a magical way with words that I just love to read, and in fact, it makes me want to write myself. I guess I should have sent you some fan-mail to counteract the stream of hate-mail, but I didn’t know how to do it without sounding creepy, since I didn’t know you, but just enjoyed reading your blog. (I also felt some sort of kinship since I also grew up in Vegas and was working near where you were going to college.)
I’m so glad you didn’t let that turn you off the Internet … if you ever turn this blog into a book, I’ll be first in line to buy a copy. Reading your writing has been truly inspirational.
Aww, what an ideal devoted reader. :-)
Adam! Thank you so much! That’s so sweet! And — being the self-absorbed writerly type that I am — pretty much single-handedly makes the whole horrible hook-up worth it!
Aw man, you’ve made me so curious as to who the guy is!
Don’t worry; you’re not missing much. I think readership intersection between his blog and my blog would be like 1% — he’s niche-famous.
Dude! I’m sooo sorry – that was indeed a horrendous story. I’m sorry you had to go through it!
OH.MY.GROSS.
HANDPRINT HIVES!?!? Disgusting.
Uhh GROSS!! Makes me wonder who he is so I can point my fingers and tell him he’s the scourge of the blogging world. At least the TKOG blogging world. I can’t believe he was immature enough to link to your blog, though. That’s just bad taste.
Hey at least I didn’t try to one up you, just shared a similar and gross story with you. For what it’s worth, I think those two dudes are pretty equal.
Maybe if you meet up with him, get a little revenge while you’re at it?
1. I don’t quite understand the hand hives thing. At first I thought he slapped you. Now I’m thinking it was… like… oily skin? How could that cause a rash, though?
2. Gay! That seems like it would explain a lot. (Good gravy is your spatula count ever high, though.)
3. “I, I’m sure, pouted and kicked the mattress.” Haha, that is so you.
Do not try to analyze the horror! All one needs to know is that the touch of his hand gave me hives. Literal hives. Although now that you mention it, his skin was really oily. Ugh.
I think everyone has had a scary hookup. I hooked up with a guy in a bar parking lot. And I am soooo not that girl. Things just happen sometimes. And I friend connected you!
JESUS H.
I don’t know why you think you’d be judged. I mean, EAR WAX BALL. Months without teeth-brushing! Blerghhh…
I’m just shocked you managed to get back on board the man boat after that.
I kind of just want to make you a cup of tea now. In a non creepy way.
ewwwwww! That is absolutely vile!
I had to screw up my eyes and stop reading when I got to the earwax thing.
Righty ho, just off to scrub myself with bleach in the shower.
Have a nice weekend!