Intended NTKOG: The kind of brave, lovelorn soldier who — like a shining beacon of cinematic romance in our grimy reality — proclaims her adoration in a grand friggin’ gesture.
I am: shy; indifferent to every many currently in my acquaintance. (Call me, Alec Baldwin.)
I am not: sure I could imagine anything more romantic than an afternoon in bed, eating peanut butter toast together and making fun of movies in which people indulge in precisely the sort of grand absurdity that I now propose.
The Scene: Agganis, over the course of the last couple hockey games, stalking a fairly charming dude who sits in the student section. When it comes to hockey, as far as I can tell, there are fans and then there are SUPERFANS. The kind of guys who spend more time just scraping team-color paint out of their chest hair than most fans spend watching the dumb games — we’re talking hardcore commitment.
The victim of my attempted gesture obviously falls into this category. He sits at every game next to a guy dressed as a giant hot dog; this guy wears a BU-red beanie every game and choreographs elaborate dances to all of the band’s standard songs. Totally worth gazing at across an arena and sighing over, is what I’m saying.
Friday’s game was the last home game of the season, and Sister and I had the good fortune of snagging tickets in the student box, which — aside from offering a great game vantage and free Snapple — boasts the advantage of being extremely attractive to the jumbotron camera-man. Between this and my two-time iPod-winning dance moves, a unique opportunity to become the stuff of legend.
The night before the game, Sister and I got together to write a message on both sides of two sheets of highlighter-yellow fluorescent posterboard:
Hey jitterbug guy in the red beanie…
Yeah, you! Next to the hot dog!
Dance-off! After game! Snapple Box!
L♥ser buys drinks?
I know, I know, how embarrassed are you guys for me? But imagine it! Total-stranger ask out, in front of six thousand people — completely out of a movie. Who wouldn’t want that to happen to them? Who wouldn’t be telling the story for years?
Readied my signs in the Snapple Box during the second period break, when the dance-off usually happens. Everyone else in the box whispered, then asked outright, wtf was I doing? I’m on a hero’s quest, I told them. They rooted for me bemusedly while I shook so hard I almost ripped the sign. Near the end of the break, I timed my heart against the huge letters of the countdown clock. 140 beats per minute, then for another minute, and another and … the break ended. No dance-off. No ‘tron-portunity.
“Maybe they’ll do it during the third period,” Sister told me, but just then, Red Beanie locked the Hot Dog in an embrace, put on his jacket, and started to leave the stands. Is he leaving for good? people in the box asked me, as though I knew absolutely anything about this guy.
Sister, in an epic act of sisterly support, dashed out of the box (while she was on a date, mind you!) and ran all the way across the arena to try to intercept him. Alas, she told me upon her return, he had left for good, taking my movie moment with him.
The Verdict: Maybe next season? At least we won the game and secured our spot in Hockey East.
I waited in the box in case they offered a mid-period dance-off or some other opportunity to hold up the signs anyway — why waste a good set-up? — but none arose. After the game, one of my sister’s acquaintances asked me, “Look, why don’t you just talk to him sometime? You can probably find him on facebook.” But that wasn’t what this was about.
I am, of course, less interested in connecting with another human being (pleh! who needs ‘em?) than finding a victim for my overblown cinematic cartoon-heart eyes. I’ll just have to be on the look-out for a new opportunity for wonderful, ridiculous stupidity.
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m thinking maybe the lack of a jumbotron opportunity was a sign. Maybe Red Beanie Guy is a total ass and, as such, not worthy of being part of your awesome movie moment.
oh BUMMER. while dani is probably right and that guy’s probably a tool, i am longing to see what WOULD have happened anyway!
So sad! That would’ve been spectacular. If that ever happened to me I would definitely be telling people about it for the rest of my life.
That’s actually not a bad screenplay idea.
Dear, who plays “you” in the film and who plays the “red beanie” man?
Please recycle the sign–every bit helps!
I dunno about Red Beanie (if only Jack Black had a son my age!), but I’m officially campaigning for Kat Dennings to play me in the film version. No real resemblence, of course, but I really like her.
Excellent choice dear. I do remember her from “Big Momma’s House 2.”
Who says this blog isn’t educational? I had to Google her to find out that the reason I’d never heard of Kat is that the only things I even might have seen that she’s been in are 2 episodes of CSI!
My roommates and I are trying to figure out if we know who that guy is haha.
Awkward. what I love about your writing, is that there is always a degree of awkwardness involved. Whether it’s the readers feeling it, or you, or the person you are interacting with. Awkwardness=truth.
The scenario you proposed potentially would have pegged the meter.
Ahhhh, opportunities lost.
You got it, Dave. TKOG’s existence is a buffet of awkwardness.
SO disappointed! I had high hopes for this NKOTG after seeing you last week. Dude, I totally want to get in on one of these. Feel free to drag me in if you think up something.
Great concept. I like this ending much better than some horribly predictable N. Sparks. Very good.
good plan, bad luck. sorry to hear that you missed out. But it’s nice to have a sister who’s willing to go the extra mile for you. Plus – your mom is awesome.
awwwwww sadface!
Aww.. That would’ve been amazing if it all goes with the plan. You guys might even go on a date or something. I hope you find him sooner than having to wait for next season though,.
ps. your sister is amazing!
Sorry that didn’t work out! This post was successful in making me miss Agganis though…
At least you can console yourself here by imagining that his hug with the giant hot dog indicated their more-than-friends connection. Also, what could be more gay than hugging a giant hot dog?
THREE GUYS HANGING OUT BY A WISHING WELL, OF COURSE!
Or two sailors at a jewish burlesque.
Let’s not go knocking sailors…