TKOG Whose nasal hygiene is a marvel of prestidigitation (TMI Thursday)

I’m not sure why y’all think I’m joking when I warn you about TMI Thursday, but this is most absolutely about snot and stuff. Oh don’t give me that. At least I deleted the lengthy paragraph about bloody noses.

NTKOG #129: The kind of freelance wellness expert whose pain threshold is exceeded only by her urgent desire for nasal hydration.

I am: kind of weirdly obsessed with bodily fluids. You’d noticed by now, eh?

I am not,: despite the bizarre fixation, like super-mega-hygienic. Normal measures, sure, but any nasal regimen more pagan than blowing or more space-age than nasal steroids just isn’t going to hack it with this girl.

The Scene: Guys! You cannot imagine how much it would please me to say that the scene was a FANTASTIC VOYAGE INSIDE MY NOSE — to walk you through my cold at the end of last week, congestion hashing my breaths to static, volcanic snot pockets, maybe a plucky phagocyte jousting away the virus with a jagged nose hair — but … well, actually, I guess I just did. Horrible cold, is what I’m saying, and even popping non-stop Mucinex and expectorating like it was my friggin’ hobby, the old snout was still in need of flushing. But short of soliciting some grey-market Flonase on Craigslist, the only alternative was–

CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE! If you want the last sentence to end: "a neti pot," then continue reading. If you want it to read "getting ejaculated through by a sexually deviant smurf," then proceed to fanfic.net.

Oh the neti pot, beloved of swami mystic healers and post-grad temporary vegans everywhere. The basic premise of these little dudes, if you haven’t come across one, is that they are essentially teapots with spouts angled so that gravity pushes water out at a decent velocity. Simply fill with salty water, plug the spout into one nostril, turn your head and, dude, you are using water! to floss! your fucking nose!

Picked up a gorgeous ceramic neti pot at Whole Foods (it’ll make a lovely, thoroughly inappropriate vase later), watched a few YouTube tutorials and prepared for my own experience. While most of the neti veterans I watched went through the process with neither fuss nor muss, I know my limitations. Stripped down and stood in the bath — with my luck, I’d transform every inch of visible skin into a salinated snot Pollack. Plugged the spout, gingerly turned my head and waited for a moment before, out the other side of my face, a steam of water sprayed.

It worked! Just like magic! Or at least it came in one side and out the other. The medicinal effects are a bit more questionable: the warm water simply seeped its way around my, uh, nasal debris, instead of geysering it out like i’d hoped. Still, it loosened my congested nose enough to allow a productive blow afterwards, and let me breathe for two, almost three minutes.

A few days later, I was reallysuperomfg congested and I tried the neti again as best I could, attempting to blow my nose first. Mixed up eight ounces of warm salt water, tilted, poured — but nothing came out. Decanted a few more ounces into my inflamed nostril — nothing. Finally I’d flooded six friggin’ ounces (a juice glass!) into my nasal membranes and after forty-five torturous seconds, the first few drops came reluctantly out. Sweet! I was a human leaky faucet!

The Verdict: I’m torn about the neti pot. Although I have no idea whether it has any actual medicinal benefits (the literature is torn and my experimentation wasn’t thorough enough to convince me either way), but it provided temporary, mild relief of symptoms. Primarily, though, it was just fantastically fun to see water shooting out of my nose at a great velocity. How deliciously grotesque! I’ll keep it around on the window sill that serves on my shower caddy, along with little packets of salt, in case I’m ever bored waiting for my conditioner to soak in and need to occupy myself in the shower.

Tagged as: also i was so overwhelmed by the lovefest in the comments in the past two days (love you guys!) that i didn't know how to top myself so just settled for being banal and grotesque to swing the pendulum, cold, congestion, i feel like there's some sort of agricultural revolution joke about nasal irrigation. something about crop rotation maybe?, i wish i were kidding about the bodily fluid thing -- friends can scarcely q-tip around me without being subjected to barrage of covetous interrogation, nasal hygiene, neti post, omg so much snot, things i should probably not tell the internet