NTKOG #134: The kind of free-wheeling jetsetter who is so unfazed by travel that she considers it not only necessary but natural to drop trou and — eek! — pee while on a voyage.
I am: that chick whom no one ever sees entering or exiting a restroom. True story: for the first nine months of our relationship, The Ex never saw a shred of evidence that I experienced normal bladder function. He found it disconcerting.
I am not: actually a big germophobe about it, but regardless of all my other feelings about peeing in public, I’ve always been distressed by the idea of using the restroom on any form of transportation. Where does it go after you flush?!
The Scene: On the Amtrak before my Barcelona adventure, approximately 30 oz. of Diet Coke out of Boston and half an hour from Penn Station. The pressure on my bladder was medium-urgent, like the urgency to confess to a former lover that you’ve kept their Pandora log-in information and sometimes listen to their custom stations (sorry, The Ex, but I’m never logging out). In any normal circumstance, I would have waited for the anonymous crush of Penn Station to slip into a public restroom stall, far away from the eyes of my fellow travelers who, by this point, had come to know me by my clothes and throat-clearing and incessant typing.
As I walked to the front, my lack of train-legs caused me to accidentally hip-check a few people in aisle seats. When I stopped to apologize to a mid-20s bottle blonde whose bottled Frappucino I’d jostled, the train threw me elbow-first into her forehead. Yeah, TKOG, unobtrusive restroom visit. Mortified, I ran into the stall and locked the door as quickly as possible. Very quickly. Perhaps … too quickly?
TMI disclosure: because I’d left myself a totally prudent seven minutes to pack for the ten-day trip, when I’d dressed for the day, I threw on my go-to swingy knee-length skirt and a massive pair of granny panties. I mean, we’re talking old-school. The elastic waist basically came up to the bottom of my bra. So before I could sit to, y’know, expurgate, I had to loose myself from the underwear of doom.
In a moment of sheer silliness, I caught the hem of the skirt in my teeth to hold it away while I found the elastic of the underwear, then began the process of unsheathing myself. Right as I’d wriggled the underwear down to my knees…
CLICK. TTTTSSSSSSHH. SLAM.
The door slid the entire way open, revealing my debauched disrobing cancan to the first eight rows of the car. Bitchface nestled her Frappucino between her knees and — god, I wish I were exaggerating — caught my eye before slow-clapping.
Yeah, this bore exactly zero similarity to my own accidental flashing. Just thought the picture was cute.
Did what I went there to do and made a monumental effort to slink back to my seat without making eye contact with anybody. It was an uphill battle, though. Don’t think I didn’t consider hiding out in the restroom until we got to New York. Or maybe flushing myself down said toilet and just walking the rest of the way…
The Verdict: Seriously, considering my myriad issues with public restrooms, it might be time for me to consider a potty-training refresher course. Or charm school. Or just not telling the internet about my not-infrequent restroom failings.
–
TMI Thursday! Other restroom stories abound! Offer some praise to the goddess LiLu for bringing this great weekly festival into our lives!
{ 2 trackbacks }
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
This happened to me, too! I was on an Amtrak train between Philly and Boston, and, despite a paralyzing fear of bathrooms-in-motion, I had no choice. I swear I locked the door, seriously, but the damn thing slid open! Is Amtrak’s cost-saving strategy solely to use faulty locks on their restrooms?
Ugh, stupid bitchface. Karma will get her. And if not karma, korma. That stuff’s awesome for giving people the runs.
hahahaha, you’re awesome.
HAHAHA!! slow clapping? awesome. But you know what? Really, who cares? At the university, I’d say like 30% of the time the doors don’t close properly and start swinging open mid-pee and I have to do this crazy lunge off the toilet/stop peeing maneuver…and there’s always a line-up for my stall.
Did she really slowclap? Wow…just wow.
Well, that certainly won’t be helping your public bathroom phobia.
I agree with Sadako. Karma (or something like it) will get Bitchface.
To be fair, ‘Bitchface’ did just take an elbow to the head.
I am, however, almost slightly sorry for taking delight in your misfortune. If you’re going to embarrass yourself, go big or go home, that’s how I look at it. You just gave eight rows of train passengers a MUCH better story than ‘skirt/tp stuck in panties’.
I love you for your writing, have I told you that?
Aww, thank you!
Also, completely agree with you in re: Bitchface. That was actually an editing problem: I’d originally called her Bitchface because she’s one of those girls with a permanent bitchface — one of those girls whose very smiles looks like a grimace. But then when I reread it, realized it made it sound like I was calling her a beezy for not liking my elbow jabbing, so I edited to turn her into “Blondie”. Apparently the edit didn’t stick, though, and since people called her Bitchface in the comments, I just left it there.
But still, now that I’ve outed her as a bitchface, all I can say in my defense is, dude, y’alls know the kind of perma-scowling fake blonde I’m talking about…
I am (was) even worse than you about the whole not using restrooms on transportation thing. But then I had to live in a completely undeveloped village for a week, with no electricity, so you might as well forget about functioning toilets. Suffice it to say, no I have no issues peeing in a train , or even in an open desert (seriously).
Wow… I’d bet you’d never trust one of those “portable potties” again! The damn doors aren’t even reliable! And Bitchface was aptly named. I just hope no one else joined her in the clap. Sorry for that embarrassment!
You should have TOUCHED her with your unwashed hands as you walked by! You know, the last laugh and all!
you should have mimicked the elbow she’d get to the head on your way out and she already knows you’d nail here too.
my paranoia makes me check it 40 times or even stand there trying to hold it to make sure its closed whilst peeing.
During a time in my adolescent germaphobic phase, I was hovering like a goddamn UFO over the toilet when a mother and son (!?) burst in on me, causing me to promptly fall INTO the toilet. I am proud to say I am no longer a germaphobe but will not pop a squat without a look-out buddy singing “No Scrubs” to distract from the spraying sound. All class right here.
Straight class, lady! My go-to pee-camouflage song is Joy To The World (Three Dog Night).
Just be careful what you start singing. In my childhood I had the chorus to Johnny B. Goode stuck in my head. (Yes, try belting out “Go! Johnny Go, Go!” while in a bathroom and see what kind of looks you get.) True story. Luckily I was too little to realize the implications of the song, but my family still likes to torture me with the story.
I also wonder if there’s a Pavlovian effect. Like, if I’m dancing at a club and some TLC comes on, will I need to dash to the bathroom like a madwoman?
Dude, what club are you dancing at that TLC would come on? And how can I get there?!
muuuuhhhhaaaaa haaaa hhaaaaaaa
dude, thanks for catching ym slip of the tongue. I didn’t even realize that I had said it… in that way… shiiii. post changed!
OH no!!! So yeah, I’ve had similar things happen to me too. NOT COOL! The worst though, was when I peed on my shirt in a portapotty and had to walk out all wet. AWFUL!
I found you through LiLu’s TMI’s posts, and Im glad I did. I can’t even imagine your embarrassment of having the door fly open while trying to pee with granny panties around your ankles on a moving train. And, OMG what a true BITCHFACE to slow clap at you. UGH.
Oy!
Sorry for laughing.
Only because I feel your pain.
Because my faulty public restroom lock is a 3-year old boy named Itty Bit who WILL NOT QUIT OPENING THE DOOR to sweetly expose me to every other washroom visitor.
At least you got your revenge on Blondie BEFORE her earning it…
I just happened to come upon your page via LiLu’s blog. HI-EFFIN-LARIOUS. like i’m at work, purple faced trying not to laugh out loud and disturb the peace. i definitely would’ve remained in the bathroom for the rest of the trip.
That’s hilarious! Slow clap? Hahah.
What a bitch. Slow clapping? Someone deserves an ass kicking! :D