NTKOG #138: The kind of indefatigable optimist who, when life pummels her with the slings and arrows of outrageous suckitude, responds by vomiting sunshine. Into your mouth.
I am: one of the more irritatingly upbeat people I’ve ever met when I’m in the zone, sure, but I brake for cynical comments and amusing/brutal mockery.
I am not: immune to moping or occasionally letting my angerball flare up and consume me.
The Scene: My brain! A Wonka-esque garden of joy and giggles and rainbow-flavored group-hugs! For the past few days, anyway. Because the dreary weather and my unshaking cold have locked me in a self-pity sarcophagus ever since Barcelona, I forced myself to embark on a two-day POSITIVITY CHALLENGE, wherein I was not allowed to think any negative thoughts. Beginning on a Monday morning. ’cause no way that could go badly, right?
Since it would be virtually impossible to abstain from all negativity, though, a pressure relief valve: If I did accidentally think a negative thought without repressing it, I’d have to immediately remind myself of three positive attributes about the source of my annoyance. On the same level as the negative thought, too. No “she’s a horrible joke of a human being who will die alone … but I like her sweater?” I was going to be intense. I was going to be serious. I was going to be POSITIVE!
My saccharine glow lit up the streets for about fifty seconds. Then, walking to the bus in the rain, my beautiful umbrella broke, rolled over my head like a condom, and while I spent ten minutes untangling its hooks and wireworks from my hair — in the process, pulling out enough ripped-out curls to stuff a very creepy pillow — the bus flew past me, blowing up my dress and splashing muddy water on my legs and underwear. While I frantically texted my coworker that I’d be late, the next one came and, as I got on, realized I’d not only forgotten but completely lost my damn bus pass.
So, basically, best day ever. If a St. Jude kid had been running a lemonade stand on the corner, she would have hugged me.
Frantically I tried to think of some positive attributes to the day’s events so far. The rain would water those vital urban Boston agricultural sites? Not having any hair left will force people to appreciate me for what’s inside my soul? I guess I was planning on throwing these underwear away eventually anyway? At least I’m not dead yet?!
Uh, never mind. The last one didn’t sound like such a stroke of good fortune.
Soldiered through the first day true to the rules of the challenge. When I started to grow irritated, I’d compliment the person who was pissing me off; when I was impatient with myself, I’d reflect a moment on how great I am; when it seemed the world was conspiring from every corner to try me with the shittiest day ever, I’d thank it for paying attention to lowly little me in the first place.
I was, in a nutshell, completely obnoxious. If not to others then at least to my irritated, unhappy self, and my poor bruised smile muscles. Next day went very much the same (a little less forcible hair removal; a lot more rain and depressing music) and by the time I left work, I was ready to run home, blast The Mountain Goats and live out the rest of my days as the bitter-joke hermit, eschewing all things cheerful and candy-colored.
But. I didn’t. For a lot of reasons. First, this blog would totally suck if I spent all day, every day, licking my salty (and largely imaginary) wounds. I thought of people in my life whom I otherwise love and respect, but who are so brittle that if you so much as breathe on them, they start to destroy themselves or dissolve into tears. I thought of weakness and how I am not weak. And joy and how expansive it is when you’re lucky enough to be immersed in it. I thought of the seven or eight times over the past few months that I’ve tried to NTKOG a positivity challenge and wasn’t even able to because I realized two or three days in that I hadn’t thought a single negative thing — even though I’d completely forgotten about the challenge.
I’m doing okay. I’m doing okay.
The Verdict: So it turns out a positivity challenge isn’t a total panacea for lifting a wet-wool malaise, but it’s indispensable for stemming little bad-attitude flare-ups and reminding you to be nicer to people around you. Besides, who knows? I don’t feel substantially happy right now, but maybe without the positivity challenge, I’d have ended up kicking a kitten in the face or something.
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Whoa, that got depressing, huh? While I de-angst, check out Secrety Society of List Addicts for my list of coping techniques that WILL NOT help you heal a drop-kicked heart. Which, weirdly, is totally irrelevant to my current funk. I wrote it weeks ago, I swear!
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m not that surprised that you struggled a bit with this. You come across as being a generally positive person, except when dealing with unlikable @$$hats (and who is honestly positive with them?). This from a guy who’s usually pretty positive himself.
Agghh!! Premature submission!!!
I would find doing something like this difficult because I’m usually pretty positive, and only get negative when there’s something bothering me.
Hehehe – my positive affirmation for the day is “I will NOT let my angerball flare up and consume me.”
haha, it’s a good mantra! When my angerball flares up, it turns into an anger katamari and next thing I know, I’m rampaging a small coastal village and have debris from Town Hall stuck between my teach.
i think an anger katamari would make an EXCELLENT addition to the pit in a metal show!
So you’re actually grey, scaley, and 400 feet tall? ;)
You know, I think I’m generally a pretty positive person.. but when I find myself getting in the dumps I sometimes challenge myself to think positive. Of course when it’s fresh on the mind, I think it’s a little more difficult. When all else fails, I just let Zach Braff as JD take over the narration of my brain and sum of the situation with a happy thought or a lesson learned. But I’m crazy.
I love that your brain is Wonka-esque. I can so see that based on what you post! Wonka Vision!
But just so we’re clear. That’s Gene Wilder Wonka, not creepy Tim Burton/Johnny Depp Wonka, yes?
Oh you know it! Although, in all candor, I’d like to think at least once a day I have a Gene-Wilder-Wonka-on-the-boat-in-the-tunnel moment of HYPNOTIC CREEPINESS. It’s part of my charm, dude.
my rules would have been more along the lines of “when i start to think negatively, instead I’ll eat a cupcake”. who doesn’t love a good cupcake? there’s no way you can be mad eating a cupcake.
love this post – it seems like everytime i get determined to have a better attitude, everything imaginable goes wrong.
Kicking a kitten! Too funny, in a sick way. Reminds me of that creepy Stephen King short story where the woman has to hit a toddler at the playground.
On the positive side, you write really well, even with wet underwear on!
That compliment (appreciated!) also bodes really well for my future as a paid erotica writer.
…no, seriously, I consider it sometimes. Mama’s got rent to pay.
I keep a gratitude journal – everyday, I list 5 things I’m grateful for. It stops me dead in my tracks the day things suck beyond belief, but am noticing I’m becoming more grateful for how I’m feeling rather than what I have and it helps.
One piece of advice, don’t ever say “that’s okay, at least I still have my….” I did that one year. I worked for a start-up, it went under. I went out for the evening and I got robbed. I said to a good friend that it was okay because I still had my health….well, 5 months later diagnosed with cancer. I’m fine, but I have learned to say “this sucks, but it is what it is” and let it go.
That comment makes me want to give you a big hug. I’m so glad you got through it!
Gratitude journal is a great idea. I try to count my blessings every day, but writing them down would be a great way to expand on that!