NTKOG #145: The kind of shameless body-confidence zealot who thinks nothing of stripping down, oiling up, and circumnavigating the globe in naked lunges.
I am: one of the nakedest people I know, when I have my druthers.
I am not: around people during any of that time. Add one pair of eyes to the mix and you’ll find TKOG swaddled up like a Seventh-day Adventist.
The Scene: Healthworks, my erstwhile gym, a tony all-women’s affair a few blocks from my house. Because of the warm, accepting estrovironment, locker-room etiquette in the gym has a crunchy co-op feel to it. It’s not unusual to see two naked women striking up a warm acquaintanceship while lotioning. Half the ladies in the place saunter nude to the shower, towels slung carelessly over one shoulder. And it is a well known fact that a single stitch of clothing compromises the integrity of your post-work-out stretches.
A set of speakers in the ceiling pipes in nonstop classical music — rippling piano arpeggios, sprightly flute solos — that, combined with the frolicking naked women, creates an atmosphere not unlike a deleted nymph scene from Fantasia.
Totally accurate depiction of a typical woman styling her hair at my gym. Ignoring the fact that I'm on crack and thought there were nymphs instead of lady centaurs in Fantasia.
I, however, have never been party to the nudity. Cue TKOG, hunched by her locker, dressing out fast and traumatized like sixth-grade gym, hands scurrying around mostly under my clothes to remove offending undergarments. Furtive and neurotic, I am the unwelcome oboe squawp in the tranquil symphony of feminine flesh.
Not anymore, guys. NOT ANYMORE.
Last time I was at the gym (longer ago than I’d care to admit), when I caught myself middle-schooling up the back of my shirt to remove my bra, forced myself to rip the shirt over my head. As I stripped, the nymphly background music took on a farcical silent film air. My nakedness was running a Keystone Cops chase after my dignity and closing in fast. A few breathless seconds later, and there I was. Starkers.
Redressed in a flash, worked out hard, then vowed to enjoy my après-workout nakedness in leisure. After I wadded up my drenched clothes in my bag, stood there for a few moments, streaming sweat under the air conditioning, before padding nakedly to the shower. Walking back, nakedly. Lotioning, nakedly. Hell, I even stretched a little.
And you know what? Nobody judged me. Nobody even noticed.
The Verdict: Regardless of what Bowling For Soup says, high school does end, dude. In fact — it’s friggin’ over. People aren’t staring through your clothes, trying to score points off of what they see under there. If anybody has something to gain from ranking your imperfections, it sure as hell isn’t some random old lady five lockers down. Everything is going to be okay.
Good riddance, undressing paranoia. Now I can save my neuroses for things that really matter. Like whether people notice when I accidentally-on-purpose take the slightly larger chocolate chip cookie.
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You guys! It’s the last-ever TMI Thursday! The end of an era. Guess now you’ll never know what days of the week to fear random bodily fluid gross-outs on my blog.
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I should seriously do a poll to see how many bloggers are writing naked…… Ironically, me, Wicked Shawn herself, blogs with clothes on, always!! Oh wait, there was one time, but that was just happenstance. ;)
Good for you on the gym. It is true that there comes a time in life where it is just no longer an issue. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could pinpoint that time and send out welcome letters to everyone when they reach that age?
I have no reservations about ripping off my shirt in many public situations. Just kidding! I’m practicaly a never nude- watch out Tobias Funke, I’m gonna steal your jean cutoffs!
I have been known to get my boobs out for fun on nights out etc but I still wouldn’t feel entirely comfortable naked in front of lots of people. Kudos to you for doing it!
I WISH I could be naked and go under the radar in gym locker rooms. Ah, it’s one of the few downfalls of being heavily tattooed. People stare. Hard.
I always wonder what the etiquette is in looking at tattoos. I’ll admit, when I’m sitting in front of someone on a bus and they flash a tattoo, I always want to look at it. But I don’t want them to feel like I’m judgmental or treating them like a circus freak or something — I just like admiring art! Body art included!
I’ll conceed to being one of them, but I’m honestly looking at the tat, not the owner’s body, in that case.
Man, I do the same thing at the gym, trying to expose the least amount of flesh at any given time. But one day I just didn’t feel like it, and was quickly changing. Right when I’m switching from regular bra to sports bra, this woman comes up to me – breaking all rules of the locker room – and actually says, I swear, “Wow, they must really crank the air conditioning in here.”
Never, never let myself just change openly again.
!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my god! What a total jerkface! That’s so wildly inappropriate!
Well in fairness, I was cold. Haha.
I treat the gym locker room like a covert mission. Get in and out with as few casualties as possible.
Rock on, TKOG!
My first nakedness experience was at a spa. I managed to drop trou with some other ladies at the sauna/hot tub.
My Mom? Not so much. Yelled “Oh look, a BEAR!” and pointed. Even though we were inside. With no windows.
I am so scared to be nakey in front of people! I have no idea why it’s such a big dillio to me… but it is! You are a brave woman!
I’m horribly shy getting naked in front of other people (cue my nervous giggling for 15 minutes straight the first time my ex and I got biblical in bed). But this summer I want to go to a nude beach or nude hot spring. Just think how nerve-wracking/horribly fun it’d be to soak in a natural hot spring and not give a damn. I’m sure it’s full of old people anyway.
I, too, used to be a change-behind-the-towel type girl. But it’s something about the Healthworks locker room and the 50+ “i don’t give a shit” confidence that makes you realize it doesn’t really matter.
Plus, if you put your clothes on right away after showering, they get kind of damp. So it’s practical too.
Why are you ending TMI Thursdays?! :( They are so fun! Is it just kind of tough to always have a TMI post on that day of the week? I just started blogging myself (see my website link) so I can understand!
TMI Thursday is actually the brilliant brainchild of LiLu, who hosts all the links at her blog every week. Sadly, after about a year and a half of weekly TMI Thursdays, she felt it was time to move on, so this was the last week for them.
That said, maybe I’ll keep up the occasional TMI Thursday. I do so love inundating y’all with TMI, and at least if I always do it on Thursday, you guys will always know what day of the week not to read my blog over lunch!
I love this one. I have been slowly becoming more comfortable with nakedness… (I even saw a play with male and female nudity in it!) and hopefully, will one day, feel the liberation that comes from nuding-it-out in a locker room.
Well played. Back when I was using the gym I used to be rather awkward about changing in front of folks too. Like so many other times in life, the realization that other people really don’t care and aren’t judging you is a giant relief.
Now I just walk/run around the lake by my house, so I’m thinking the public changing would be slightly more frowned upon though.
After reading this I feel incredibly blessed not having any vanity! I have other issues, not being able to spell for example, but I really don’t care about what people think of my appearance. The girlfriend is a total opposite.
Why the kibash on TMI Thursdays?? BTW had to spell check Kibosh!
ooooh yes next you should go to the hot springs! i just got back from “naked birthday” – a day at the hot springs with 4 other ladies. (one was a good friend, one a moderate friend and two strangers.) it was so awesome! just nakedness all around, and no one felt weird, and there were men and whole families in the hot springs and everything. you should try it some time!!
I have a semi-traumatic memory of spending the weekend at a sorority house my sophomore year of high school, where they had OPEN SHOWERS. (Why, God, why?) Yes, I was 16 and forced to shower with a bunch of strange college girls. It solidified the idea that I would never, ever, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES join a sorority. But I also realized that no one else gave a crap, and I’ve been steadily acclimating myself to de-robing every since. Now? Whatever. You want nudity, I’ll show you some nudity!
I too think your next step should be some hot springs, where it’s all nakedness, all the time (with, as Maureen pointed out, some unsheathed dude-parts thrown in the mix). Wait–does that even happen in Massachusetts? Or are people in Oregon just nakeder?
I didn’t realize that hot springs were such a big, well-known thing! I want in on this action! One of the items on my 25 Before 25 list is a grand act of public nudity — this might be just the ticket!
Ha. Did a mite of research and realized: West Coast, over 1500 hot springs to get good and naked in; New England, two hot springs. Both of which are cooler than 75 degrees. So, really, lukewarm springs.
If that isn’t the best summary of the difference between the East and West Coasts, then I don’t know what is.
75F – Not even “lukewarm springs”, “room temperature springs” I think so!
Six years in the Marines and more years than that playing rugby and I’m totally over the whole nekid thing.
For example: After we won the state championship one year, the Tar Heels men’s rugby team decided a good way to celebrate was to run up and down Franklin Street. Nekid. On a Saturday night. We had no shame. At all. But the cheers were loud from the admiring onlookers. At least I think they were admiring.
Okay, so I am NOT a naked person, but what IS IT about the gym that brings it OUT? I cannot even tell you the number of awkward conversations I’ve had with people who are not dressed while at the gym. I HATE IT.
Love you for this post and for being so brave.
I’d be brave, too, but my building has a gym so I just change in my apartment. Do I get brownie points for pointing out that sometimes I go commando, in my cute little pj shorts?
i try to be all nonchalant at the gym, but the problem is that i know *i* totally stare (surreptitiously!) at the UBER NAKED ladies – you know, the ones with boobs flapping to and fro as they vigorously lotion their legs. so i can only assume that if i got energetically naked, i’d get stared at too. so i try and remain calmly and quietly naked.
hot.
I mean sexy.
I mean way to go! Good job and etc. Did you get a pair of birds to do your hair once you joined in the nakedness?
Ooof, I had an locker room “event” this week wherein I was changing in front of someone else’s locker and she stepped in to get to her stuff right as I had stripped off the last of my outer clothes. I was left standing there in my undies, unable to reach into my own locker for a little cover, and said lady (an older woman) decided to try to strike up a conversation with me. Awkward….
“People aren’t staring through your clothes, trying to score points off of what they see under there.”
I am.
What?
I am the unwelcome oboe squawp in the tranquil symphony of feminine flesh. Dear, one has no idea: is this a good thing?
I’m guessing you go to the Cambridge Healthworks. I read an awesome comment on Yelp about there, along the lines of “Not sure about the whirlpool…bathing suits aren’t required, so it’s kind of like lady soup in there.” HA!
After six years straight of group showers with other girls in gym class in grades 7-12, I am completely used to locker room nudity and not at all bothered by it, whether it’s me that’s nude or other women.
In a way it’s kind of nice being able to be nude amongst others without it being sexual. I prefer a more casual locker room when it comes to nudity. Were all females with the same parts anyway. No ones judging.