NTKOG #148: The kind of calloused fashionista who drives a stiletto (figurative) through her heart by strapping stilettos (literal) to her yelping feet.
I am: never voluntarily not wearing my Rainbow men’s flipflops.
I am not: embarrassed to admit that for a lengthy period of time in California, said flip flops were my only shoes.
The Scene: My closet, home to a modest collection of medium-height heels that I from time to time optimistically buy (“Ooooh, lacy!” “Cute bows!” “z0mg metallics are the new neutrals!”) as closet art. My eyes glazed over from all the ooh-look-shiny!, I convinced myself I could go a full week wearing nothing but heels. After all, I rocked four-inch heels every. single. day. of high school, and what’s that thing lughead gymrats say? Pain is the feeling of hotness entering the body?
Set out for a nineteenth century pub crawl on Saturday night wearing a three-inch pair of black pumps with a slightly chunky heel. The T ride into the city was a cinch: there wren’t many seats available on the train, but I planted my heels and metro-surfed like a fiend. Lost my sense of direction outside the station and minced briskly down the city streets, enjoying the percussiveness of my new footwear.
…ten minutes later: regret. Every clack of the shoes caused my feet to swell up like a cartoon of a beating heart, cutting off all bloodflow to the blisters rocketing out of my toes. Anglophile and I got to the pubcrawl and I grabbed a Martinez, then mingled, grimacing politely from the pain. Whatever, though. At least I looked good, right?
As though on cue, a former sex-industry worker named Spyder lunged toward me.
“I love your shoes!” she crowed, and before I had a chance to give a modest moue of feminine approval, “Where did you find them? It’s hard to find cute shoes in a size that big!”
“I, uh, I go to a lot of tranny stores?” I improvised. “I was 18 before I realized that heels came in any color other than transparent.”
Plus points of heels: they make excellent face-kicking implements; everybody can hear you when you stomp off. Minus points: you still have to wear the fuckers afterwards. Or take them off and pad barefoot o’er the cobblestones of Cambridge for twenty minutes.
The Verdict: Well, frig that, then. I don’t know how I thought I’d last a whole week — I didn’t even last an evening. I don’t know how y’all other lady-dudes do it, and, frankly, I don’t care to. If you need me, I’ll be shuffling along in my flipflops; anyone who has a problem with that can go suck a Manolo.
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
The tranny store line totally reminds me of that King of the Hill where Peggy meets a transvestite who also has, obvi, big feet but wears heels.
Also, I have a lot of respect for anyone who does that. I wear heels on occasion but never for a week straight. Usually it’s more for a few hours, and they’re totally modest, “nice girl” heels. But I walk a shitload and dammit, I couldn’t last walking around in heels for that long…
Sadako, I thought of the same scene when I read that part. How magical.
At 5’10″, I feel that heels are unnecessary. There is very little that is attractive about towering over the male population or ducking through doorways. Unless she is a supermodel, which I am not. Ballet flats make me feel cute as opposed to Amazonian, and they make wedging myself into desks more bearable.
I often wish I was the kind of girl who could wear heels all the time (or ever–I would settle for ever), but… no. Life is just too short to wear uncomfortable shoes. I hope you and your ‘flops have a long and wonderful life together.
As a side query: You wore 4-inch heels every day of HIGH SCHOOL? What in the what? Is this what Vegas does to a girl? Or am I just clueless because I went to an all-girls high school in the ’90s and wore friggin’ clogs every day?
ditto to this whole second paragraph (even the all-girls high school and clogs!). Seriously, ow!
I am with you on this one. I CANNOT wear heels. Heels hurt, and why in the world would I WANT my feet to hurt. I don’t know real ladies do it.
Dude-ladies, I just discovered something that might save your lives (or rather make wearing heels bearable).
I was jaunting around London the other day and my feet were killing; I got to my boyf’s and he gave me some of these, which fricken changed everything: http://www.boots.com/en/Compeed-Blister-Hydrocolloid-Medium-6-Plasters_2407/
They’re basically super band-aids (“plasters” here) and act as a mega-tough extra layer of skin. Can’t even see them! At least on a pale broad like myself. Seriously, my feet were bleeding and with these suckers I still (comfortably!) wore my heels home.
Okay, so I sound like a goddamn advert, but they are that amazing. Won’t help you with swelling, but I never plan on having a blister again. There must be some equivalent in the States? Anyway, thought I’d share.
Madam. MADAM. I read the first two paragraphs of this comment and was like, “Wait, did I write this?! I don’t remember going to London, but that’s the way I talk!”
Um, so what I’m saying is: 1) I need some of those band-aids; 2) let’s be bff.
“Boots” is a national chain of pharmacies here in the Ukay, so similar are surely available over the counter in the Usay?
Lol DONE. Come to London and I’ll fricken hook you up.
The States has Dr. Scholl’s Moleskin patches: http://www.amazon.com/Dr-Scholls%C2%AE-Moleskin-Plus-Padding/dp/B0009MGSLO/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&s=hpc&qid=1271099038&sr=8-7
Lovely invention, aren’t they?
They have those in Spain and Italy, too, but for some reason they don’t work on me, they just roll up like my poor weak skin did before I put the band-aid on… so I’ve given up wearing heels and other cute shoes unless I have one of those huge heel-sized cloth band-aids on underneath socks before even leaving the house. Then it’s bearable. I’m always jealous of people who have “normal” feet and can wear any shoes they feel like. (Spanish women, as a whole, are like this: they can go pick up something cute and completely without support and wear it for years with no problems. I’m baffled by it.)
Despite being barely 5″1, I happily reside in the land of Ballet Flats & Kitten Heels, because I don’t like to feel like my feet are on fire all night.
You and me both!
I wear heels a lot, but I am also about five feet tall, so when I don’t, I can hardly see over the bar stool. I’m usually fine, but for valentines day I bought a new pair of heels and hadn’t broken them in prior. And proceeded to walk around the aquarium all day. Then go out to dinner. My feet were pulsating by the time we got to shabu zen. I sat there, shoeless, thinking about how the hell I was going to make it home.
I once wore heels for 28 hours: http://dailyvirgin.blogspot.com/2010/02/virgin-walks-mile-in-her-shoes.html
Needless to say: NEVER EVER EVER again! I love heels but I have neither the pain tolerance nor the balance to ever don them for more than a couple of hours here and there.
I’m a salsa dancer, so I have to wear them to dance for several hours a day. I still won’t wear regular heels on a night out that doesn’t involve at least 90% of my time sitting.
A word of caution: wearing flip flops all the time causes flat feet, which causes plantar fasciitis. I know, because I have plantar fasciitis. It’s like knives stabbing your feet every time you take a step. I suggest wearing shoes with proper arch support and wearing these when you have heels on. They help tremendously. http://www.drscholls.com/drscholls/productSearch.do?method=doProductDetailsLookup&searchArg=93 Plantar fasciitis, much like herpes, is a lifelong ailment. Practice safe heeling!
1. You’re funny!
2. Dude, I wish I had known that existed a year ago when I spent US$175 on inserts to put in any shoes to add a tiny bit of support!
Dude, custom othodics, too cheap am I to buy. I have at least 3 pairs of Dr. scholes and I probably need a few more. I can’t dance without them.
*sigh*. i waver on this issue pretty much every day of my life. it was awesome to go to some hipster basement party in 5 inch hidden platform snakeskinny metallic steve maddens. i lasted about 15 minutes before the target ballet flats went back on…finding comfort is absolutely key, i’ve been driven near suicidal (or at least to the nearest department store for flats) by wearing heels too many days in a row. despite their trendiness, havaianas are the most amazing thing…
Clearly you made the mistake of not pre-drinking to start the blessed numbing effects of alcohol prior to your bar entrance. This solves the problem of sore feet, unpleasant people and general malaise. I mean, having a killer pair of comfy heels helps too, but frankly this is more fun.
Also, I find if I do this, I don’t need a coat for a night out because at no point stumbling along the pavement am I cold. I do happen to feel a chill, I have plenty of liquid courage flowing through my veins and can just demand the coat of whatever nearby guy catches my eye. Or forcibly remove it from him if required.
I have loads of heels, high ones, and wear them on the daily, but I never wear uncomfortable ones. Stop rolling the eyes. It’s true. There are just some brands that suck. Jessica Simps**, never buy them, they will make you cry like a baby after 15 minutes. Nine We#@, also paingivers of the worst kind. Steve Madden makes his to be long wear friendly. As does Kenneth Cole. The Choo, you have to be a pro to don those babies, but then, at those prices, you practically have to be a pro *winkwink* to afford them.
See, this comment gives me faith — I’ve heard that some heels are comfortable, and I keep searching to find ‘em. Since high school, I’ve only bought Steve Maddens, because the heels aren’t ridiculously tiny, and dude knows what to do about round-toed pumps. But they still make me misty of eye and bitey of lip! Maybe my feel are just weirdly shaped?