TKOG Who laps the competitor in Iron Chef: Battle Opulence

NTKOG #152: The kind of unabashed sugarhound who — shrugging of the legacy of all existing baking lore — dons her candy-striped lab coat and concocts THE ULTIMATE CUPCAKE.

I am: a certified sweet tooth. You’re looking at the dude who invented peanut butter and butterscotch sandwiches. On purpose. That said…

I am not: even going to try to defend the recipe that follows. WARNING: Graphic depiction of diabetic coma in progress.

The Scene: Sister’s kitchen, the evening before Boston’s most excellent Cupcake Camp. Sister and I decided to contribute our own meager offerings, and I was determined to, for the first time ever, create my own recipe. Considering my history of culinary excellence (mashed black beans on toast, anyone?), this would obviously take some doing.

As I scoured various recipe sites for inspiration, I couldn’t help being drawn to a simple-enough recipe for cupcakes stuffed with raw cookie dough. But frig it, guys: I grew up in the extravagance capital of the most wasteful, gluttonous country on this ever-decreasingly green earth — surely I could see that monstrosity and do it one better. Then, a painful jolt of inspiration. I felt like Dr. Frankenstein upon seeing the first crack of lightning split the sky. I knew my terrible destiny.

A chocolate cupcake. Stuffed with raw cookie dough. Wrapped around a Hershey’s Hug. THE CUPCAKE EQUIVALENT OF A TURDUCKEN. All slathered in rich, homemade buttercream frosting. (Which is probably how real turducken eaters prepare their meatstravaganzas too. You don’t wanna mess with those people.)

Yeah, I’m going to go ahead and give y’all a moment to squeegee out your arteries before you behold, in all of its glory, the HUGCUPEN:

BEHOLD THE MAJESTY OF THE TURDUCKEN OF CUPCAKES.

Turducken Cupcake (recipe ninja-hacked from this one):

1) Roll 36 unwrapped Hershey’s Hugs in thin-ish layers of your chocolate chip cookie dough recipe of choice. Hint: Mine comes in a tube. Ideally the resultant balls will be about the size of a tablespoon, but, look, you’re already filling cookie dough with chocolate so your priorities are your friggin’ own at this point.

2) Pop the dough balls on cookie trays and stick ‘em in the freezer for three or four hours, ’til them suckers is frozen solid. Watch reruns of Family Feud and feel smug when Captain Middle America thinks for seven seconds and can’t name a single man-made flying object other than an airplane.

3) Set your oven to 350 and grease and line muffin tins. Then prepare a box of chocolate cake mix to the package’s specifications. Fill the tins two-thirds full, then, on top of each, drop a frozen-solid cookie ball.

4) Bake for 13-14 minutes, until a skewer inserted in the edge of the cupcake comes out like mostly cleanish. They will seem underbaked to you; this is CRITICAL to keeping the dough raw and not drying out the turcupen.

5) While the cakes cool, prepare your buttercream icing. Melt down four ounces of baking chocolate and half a stick of butter, then add a teaspoon of vanilla, five or six tablespoons of vanilla soymilk and a dash o’ salt into a small mixing bowl.

6) Dump in three and a half cups of powdered sugar. Pretend it’s an enormous mound of blow and reenact the last scene of Scarface, brandishing your electric beater like a machine gun. Say hello to my little blend!

7) Frost them puppies. Loudly proclaim that if you ever smell sugar again, you’ll hurl. Promptly shove about three of them into your mouth. God bless America.

8) Later: REGRET.

You guys, I’m not fucking around. This cupcake straight-up tastes like an orgasm. Of the few people on earth who have tasted this majesty, there have been only two reactions: people either giggle uncontrollably, or stare in mute horror.

Some things, once tasted, can never be untasted.

The Verdict: I feel like Oppenheimer the day they gave the final spitshine to the first atomic bomb. I have loosed something unholy on this earth and now can only pray for forgiveness.

Tagged as: also these cupcakes do contain raw eggs and so should not be eaten by children or the infirm (or anyone who doesn't have a straight-up pulsating death wish), baking, decadence, do not try this at home, magic, oh who am i kidding -- y'alls can go ahead and try this at home, this cupcake will get in your head like that video from the ring, we also totally ended up skipping the cupcake camp -- sorry dudes but we had 90210 to watch!, what obesity epidemic?