NTKOG #158: The kind of semi-masochistic slave to grooming trends who thinks nothing of stripping down and letting a stranger slather her vulva with hot wax, then rip it out.
I am: a functional groomer, not an aesthetic one.
I am not: afraid of pain. Just a week ago, I was bleeding prolifically from the throat, both nostrils and left eye and barely even paused to tweet about it.
The Scene: A little salon in Cambridge with wildly positive reviews for their (decently priced) Brazilian forays. I popped in on Marathon Monday to schedule an appointment, and was told the lead waxer could see me in half an hour — was that okay?
Uh, for some values of okay. Went outside to phone Mom with my last will and testament, then engaged in an impromptu salon on the history of pubic grooming. (“What the heck is a landing strip? Are there little guys with flags showing the penis where to insert?” Uh, not quite, mom. Or else my landing strip would be a pubic-hair arrow pointing to some non-celibate chick’s vagina.) Then returned to the waiting room, through which was piped that New Age-y flute-and-gong music — unpunctuated, I noted, with screams. So that’s good. After a while, my waxer stepped out and introduced herself, then demanded I strip below the waist.
I like a person who knows how to get down to business.
"Why, what a charming studio! Oh please DO massage steaming wax into my genitals!"
I explained that this was my first foray into s&m grooming, and she frowned with a glimmer of satisfaction: “I’m not going to lie to you. This will hurt. But no one has died from it yet.” I chuckled confidently while she smeared the first layer of (really warm!) wax onto the top of my pubic triangle, then ventured onto the scary don’t-shave-here place.
After a minute or so, she scraped up the edge of the wax, then pulled it up and — look, guys, I consider myself a Dudely Dude Who Can Handle Shit, so please understand it pains me beyond words to admit — I SCREAMED. This was no girlish shriek or beleaguered grunt. I yowled with the deranged desperation of a dreamer trying to wrench his body from sleep. Oh sweet goddamn mercy how I screamed.
My waxer eyed me disapprovingly — “I cannot wax if you jump like that” — then continued without a pause, ripping, ripping, ripping. After what felt like ages, I estimated we were about halfway done and begged her to stop for a moment so I could see the results. Electric pink and bumpy, only one-eighth of my skin was finished.
You don’t realize how much real estate you have down there until someone is ripping out the weeds inch by inch.
“Do you want me to stop?” the waxer sighed unsympathetically. Yes! Yes! Obviously yes! But instead, I asked if she wouldn’t mind grabbing my book out of my bag so I could focus on something other than the pain. And while reading significantly helped, I’ve never felt my intellectual/physical divide quite so literally: laying on a table and reading Barthelme while I paid a woman to rip out my pubic hair with steaming wax. I would have laughed about it if I weren’t so busy still friggin’ screaming.
The worst part of it — I mean, other than the raw eyelash-curling pain of the thing — was its relentlessness. Even when I wasn’t writhing in pain, the knowledge that at any moment the ripping would recommence was soul-crushing. It felt as though the cycling of smearing and ripping and screaming would continue in perpetuity, long after my body had perished and the stars had grown cold. It was grim, dudes.
Finally, after forty-five (FORTY-FIVE!) minutes, she threw away the last hair-studded strip of orange wax and gently massaged a palmful of baby powder into my shrieking skin. “Now,” she smiled, “Doesn’t that feel better?” Uh, I guess. But not as great as it’s going to feel when I never do this again.
The Verdict: So technically the skin is baby smooth. But there are lots of smooth things in this crazy world — peaches, baby cheeks, politicians’ lies — so why go to such trouble and expense to fire-ravage my pubic foliage?
I don’t understand our culture’s obsessive hatred of pubic hair in the first place. Okay, so you occasionally have to pick it out of your teeth, and a little utilitarian trimming never hurt anybody, but to all the fervent pubic hair haters out there, I shake my trembling fist. You know who had pubic hair? EVERYBODY GREAT EVER. Andrew Jackson had pubic hair. Harriet Tubman had pubic hair. Jesus Christ — lord and savior or historical figure, your pick — had pubic hair, by gum, and you know who else is going to have pubic hair?! This guy! Starting in about six weeks, anyway.
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This is seriously one of my favorite posts ever in the history of posts, lol. I laughed and I cringed in empathetic pain. I imagine that however much I think it hurts, it hurts about 5435897 times more. You are my hero.
Second, I stand side by side with you in utilitarian trimming ideology. It’s hair, why must it be hated so much? Trim for function or wear your bush proudly. Different folks, different pubic hair.
I can’t believe people get a brazilian regularly – I would need to be drunk allthetime.
Thanks for this – as if I didn’t need another reason to never do this ;)
All my best to you,
Carolina
Sweet jeebus, this gave me the heebie-jeebies. My eyes are kind of watering, but I can’t tell if it’s from the thought of that much pain or just sheer terror. The next lady who tells me “it stings a little” is getting punched in the ovaries.
Any frequent waxer would probably appreciate being punched in the ovaries. At least their vagina could feel feelings again!
NTKOG, I thought I loved you before, but now, *now* I know what true love is. This post has made my day, and it’s only 9:07 am. I feel your pain (literally – I’m a once-and-never-ever-ever-fucking-ever-again waxer myself) but I also laughed myself silly.
You are full of the awesome.
Hang on. Is it Thursday? Heck yes it is!! Brilliant TMI- whenever the topic is waxing I’m all about it.
All that crap they say in Cosmo about how you can cure all the pain by poppin’ an advil beforehand? Rubbish! There is nothing, and I stress: NOTHING, that can dull the pain of having every little hair ripped mercilessly from one’s vag. Eekkk. Oh, except that time that I accidentally kicked my waxer in the face. I swear, it was an accident! (I may or may not have been rather unwelcome that that spa after that incident.)
Uh, firstly, why on earth were you ‘bleeding prolifically from the throat, both nostrils and left eye’?!
I assume I caught some kind of rare clotting disorder from watching too much House. Well, or I developed weird allergy symptoms that caused me to stay up all night for a few days, coughing my throat to hamburger meat (I have a bad lung that likes to give me throat-shredding coughs), then I was so stressed from lack of sleep that I had a series of double-barreled nose bleeds. No clue on the eye though — it fountained blood for a few minutes, then calmed down. Yes, just another day in the life of TKOG.
It gets better the next time, I swear! Not to do my own TMI Thursday via comments, but less hair grows back and it takes like 5 minutes to get waxed. instead of 45 (!?!? wtf!).
Eeeek. If it weren’t so bally expensive, I’d consider trying it one more time, just to see. And in my waxer’s defense: she said it should only take an hour, but I think my screaming and flinching made the process far more time intensive than it should have been. Dude, though, how do people stay so stoic?!
How do women do that regularly?
And if they’re going to rip the bejeezus out of their hoo-has regularly, why not take the plunge and get those bad boys lasered off?
Thanks to you, no waxer will be getting near my money or my hoo-ha anytime soon!
Oh man, in a post full of awesome, this was even more awesome: “Jesus Christ — lord and savior or historical figure, your pick”.
Thank you for trying this. I had previously been considering doing it just once, just to see, but am glad I don’t have to any more.
Seriously, I agree with allypanda it hurts much much less each time.
You can also dull the pain SIGNIFICANTLY. Two paracetamol and a large glass of white wine half an hour before. You will be drunk and high and truly find the whole thing hilarious. Just don’t think about the fact that you are probably irreparably damaging your liver in the name of conforming to culturally constructed standards of beauty that denigrate the Woman and may encourage paedophilia. I don’t. But that may be the drugs talking.
What a fantastic comment. This cracked me up at work, which was weird, because when my co-worker asked what was up, I didn’t want to start with: “Welllll, I was telling the internet about ripping hair out of my ladybits…”
Thank God I’m not the only sane one. Bikini waxing, sure! Practical trimming, sure! Brazilians? No. No. No.
Listen, my perspective is that if he doesn’t love you with the fur, tell the guy to wax his balls, too. We’ll see what he says then.
Amen to sanity.
My rules of shredding my own dignity in front of the MALE aesthetician where I go. EGADS! Right? I know.
Two glasses of wine. Two Rapid Release Tylenol immediately before entering. (two more at the ready for emergencies, sometimes he is rough)
I always bring my iPod, this way, in theory, I can’t hear myself if I cry out in pain, but I am convinced I don’t feel a thing. It’s my theory, let it be. I have been at it for over a year now, I’m told it probably quit hurting several trips ago, but who wants to take that chance, I was stone cold sober and scarred pretty badly from trip one, no thanks, I like my way now.
Wicked Shawn is a … girl?
Muscles, dear. I do not think so. No self respecting young woman would have a male aesthetician: it just is not acceptable for such an initimate procedure. I suspect that Wicked Shawn is a well groomed young man.
Pap smears, dear, are a different story because they are performed by a medical doctor, although I have heard some stories. Still one can always hope that a daughter finds a nice doctor any way that she can.
Huh, that reminds me. My date calendar’s been a little empty lately — maybe I should make a gyno appointment while I’m freshly waxed. Perhaps find That Kind Of Son-In-Law.
Dear, a mother can hope.
wife hated her one exerience with this too.
I don’t get all the hate on pubes but thats just me.
oh and this made my week:
You know who had pubic hair? EVERYBODY GREAT EVER. Andrew Jackson had pubic hair. Harriet Tubman had pubic hair. Jesus Christ — lord and savior or historical figure, your pick — had pubic hair, by gum, and you know who else is going to have pubic hair?! This guy! Starting in about six weeks, anyway.
Oh my…did you say FORTY (as in four-zero) FIVE MINUTES?? AND, she started with the hard part!?? Seriously, I’ve gone Brazilian just the once, and this post made my palms sweat all over again. The worst part is “the top”. “The underneath” ain’t bad at all…but the top? Lord (the one with the pubes) have mercy on our souls…good for you for tryin’ though! I’m half tempted to get another one for the summer. However, SWEATY PALMS.
oh hell yes….two tattoos…I can handle. L ady waxing, I cannot. Ever again.
i tweeted my response. but i just wanted to add. YOU READ A BOOK?!?!?!?
Ha, in retrospect, I probably should have listened to music on my iPhone or something, but book was the first thing that came to mind. Reading is always my first line of defense against terrible situations! #thenerdiestofgirls
I actually get a brazilian every 5 – 6 weeks and while it does hurt I don’t find it totally unbearable. You post had me laughing out lough though. My waxer keeps me chatting the whole time so I kind of don’t notice and while it sounds like you might never try this again, my Salon gives me a complimentary glass of wine when I arrive and that definitely takes the edge off, they also reccomend taking Ibuprofen 30 minutes before. You could also just get totally drunk and go haha.
The thing that shocked me most was the length. FORTY FIVE MINUTES? I’d guess ten, fifteen? There was a lady in the next room when I was getting my other stuff waxed (arms/legs) last week and she was getting her muff done (it was lovely, got to hear her talk about how she was getting ready for a colonoscopy in a couple days and oops her period just started up again during the wax) and I think it took about that length.
Anyway, I’m definitely a pro waxing…person, but I’d never get that done. I don’t even like if I get the sticky side of the pad stuck to my pubes. I do hold that nothing feels better than freshly waxed limbs, though. Ohh, mama that shit is good.
I remember my first foray into pubic deweeding. I was so tense was sweating bullets and I think at one point I begged for a leather bit to bite on to keep from swallowing my tongue.
But uh… I actually do my own Brazilians now? I have a thing against abundant body hair on both men and women (it took me a while to get used to chest hair on guys… still don’t like the winter sweater look though). My mom bought me a professional waxing kit and during one very bored summer day I was waxing my arms, legs, face and I had nothing left to do except…
Let’s just say I cried for a little but had to trudge on because it was only half finished — kind of like a hairy, fucked up Rorschach. Almost two years later and I can jump right in so to speak and finish in less than 30 minutes and it costs next to nothing! All you need is a waxing kit and the pain threshold of a masochist!
WOW! Thank you for taking that bullet for me- I’ll stick to trimming.
i’m going to just start crying right now. after 29 years of being scared shitless, i just bought my first Ladyparts Waxing Session. AM NOW FUCKING TERRIFIED.
Noooo! You’ll do great! Just don’t neglect to take Advil first. And probably have a drink or two as well.
Um.. dude. Pubic hair is normal for adults. Lack of pubic hair is normal for children. I think hair should stay right where it is, neatly trimmed.
Your description, of course, was utterly hilarious. 5 stars!
Personally, I think there’s nothing like a full body wax:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9saVisPLRAQ
You are one crazy lady!
I’m — I’m pretty sure I just opened youtube porn on my work computer.
I highly recommend trying out the goods, so to speak. You don’t realize the full benefit of the brazilian until then. (As much TMI as I can personally divulge).
Men who like Brazilian waxes have always struck me as pedophilic. Probably don’t want to mess with that shit. I have often thought about what it would feel like to wax my head rather than shaving it though – maybe we could try that when you come see the show?
YES! You just need to grow out some head stubble so the wax has something to cling to!
Also, I’m going to way-TMI you here. I shaved my legs before I got the wax, because I was bored, but didn’t shave my armpits. (You know how I do.) After I got the wax, I realized: “dude, the only (non-head) hair I’m rocking is in the most inappropriate possible place. Like how Muscles looked when he shaved down to just a mustache for Midsummer Night’s Dream!”
…maybe that was an over-share.
Oh. My. God. Never. Ever. Ever.
And to think I’d once contemplated this very procedure. I’ve heard too many horror stories to actually follow through. I’ll stick to trimming and minor shaving.
Thanks for the giggles.
Holy crap. I shave juuuust enough that nothing pokes out of my bathing suit bottom and occasionally trim. (very occasionally). No complaints from my husband.
Holy crap. That sounds awful. I admit I was curious about it. But knowing how much I break out and suffer in pain from eyebrow waxing, and knowing how much more sensitive my skin, um, down there probably is, I think I’ll pass on the whole Brazilian thing. Eeks.
Ah, welcome to the land of the Buff and the Beautiful, my friend. Trust me, smoother does have its advantages.
sandyb, dear, did you marry a doctor?
TKOMom, I love you. Will you adopt me?
http://www.buzzfeed.com/tabloidprodigy/coco-tweets-her-bikini-wax-2qd
Dude, saw this and thought “Thank god that’s NOT TKOG!”
oh dear lord. I was just contemplating doing this.
I have now changed my mind.
Thank you, thank you!
Personally, I would rather my vulva be as smooth as a veal cutlet than hairy like the wolf.
But I have never had it waxed. Your post has almost inspired me to try it. Yikes!
Holy cow. 45 minutes? My wax lady only takes 10-15 minutes! And it doesn’t even hurt that much…well yes, I do get ready for the onslaught of hair being ripped out, but it isn’t so bad.
Oh, AMEN, SISTER. Keeping it trimmed & waxing the bikini line so that everything is nice and neat makes sense, but pouring hot wax on it and ripping it all out/raking a sharp blade over all the sensitive skin down there? Not my thing. I was beginning to think I was the only one who thought so– such a relief to know that others see through the insanity as well!
See this is the great thing about having a long distance marriage. I have no need to wax anything. I trim for comfort reasons and twice a year I spruce it up down there for my hubby’s visits. Since I am not out trying to get a guy or maintain for a guy I am one lucky duck. (My husband is in the Navy and spends a lot of time away from home.)
Dislike. I admit I haven’t had the smooth experience firsthand, and I’m a little curious, but for the record I love a little curly pelt that’s good for stroking. I think this was one subject TKOG and I saw eye-to-eye on, making this another perfectly apt NTKOG. Based on the frantic texts she started sending me immediately afterwards, I can certainly verify that she is not exaggerating her reaction in the slightest. Isn’t it great that we can all experience this vicariously rather than firsthand?
Also, reading a book to try to get through a waxing is so TKOG.
The genius of the closing paragraph has already been commented upon, so I will just mention that Harriet Tubman’s pubic hair has never entered our collective consciousness until TKOG yanked it out of her subconscious for us. Just an amazing choice of a female historical figure. :-)
EWWWWWWWWWW!!! Ex: “curly pelt that’s good for stroking” = the most disgusting thing ever. I vomited in my mouth. oh. my. god. t.m.i.
I bet you $20 a nipple piercing hurts more than a Brazilian.
(and no, a hood piercing does NOT hurt as much as the nipples.)
I’d take your twenty and not put it toward another Brazilian or nipple piercing. (Had ‘em done on two occasions; I’m one of those weird people who actually maybe liked the feeling a little.)
damn! how did you like that?! i was crying like a little girl
I’d been wondering if I should get this done, just for kicks. Pretty sure the answer is no. Not ever.
I have been toying with the idea of getting one of these. You have now put me off…Thanks for sharing your journey of pain!
I think a bikinia wax is a necessary rite of passage before giving birth. Think of the similarities – it hurts like hell, and there’s nothing you can do except tough out the situation, there’s no going back.
Although once I did think about the possibility of waking around with wax strips attached for the rest of my natural life. It’s not THAT bad….
How the heck did you READ?
Ha, I can only ask: how do people not read?! Having something to rest my eyes on and distract me from waiting for the next jolt of pain is the only thing that kept me from running out pantless into the afternoon, strips of hardened wax flapping from my labia!
…you’re welcome for the mental image.
Oh Holy Lord. I was toying with the idea of doing a wax, and now I am scared. I mean, well, more scared than before. *shudder*
Allow me, for a moment, to suggest that before you again ask “why” about the Brazilian, that you try getting behind a hot naked woman who is either lying face down, legs spread, or on her knees, ass up. The aesthetic beauty and arousifying effect of the smooth lips/peraneum/ass combo is not to be believed.
Huh, that would certainly be a Not That Kind Of Girl. My MO for interacting with women: fully clothed. From a distance of a few feet away. If I am feeling especially intimate, perhaps a fist bump. Your observation is noted, but I won’t be testing it out myself any time soon.