Hey, cupcakes! Can I blow your minds, just a little? This entry marks my 200th post. Two hundred of these bally things! Spanning somewhere in the neighborhood of 150,000 words! And that’s without getting into guest posts, comments, and my absurdly over-long post tags.
For those of you who have read the whole archives, do you realize you could have read half of War And Peace instead? AND AREN’T YOU GLAD YOU DIDN’T?!
In order to commemorate this quasi-achievement (and because I’ve been looking for an excuse to follow up on some of my old entries), a little Not That Kind Of Girl: Where Are They Now? edition.
NTKOG #6: Buying a meal for dudes who are begging for cash. I still try to do this at least once a week. And at least twice a month, some homeless dude beans me in the back of the head with an unopened PowerBar. Maybe I should cut out the middle man and start giving out stocking-stuffer-size bottles of Jager instead.
NTKOG #9: Acing job interviews. Wait, did I tell you guys I got a job? It was official back in March. But don’t even bother asking in what industry — it’s so glamorous your head would explode. (Hint: I am a master of the mail merge and have a black belt in origami.)
NTKOG #11: Givin’ a stranger a big ol’ hug. Color me a thousand shades of shocked but I have somehow become (gulp) a hugger! I blame all you lovely readers for making me all gooey about humans in general. That said, my fave end-of-night move is still the exploding fistbump. Kapow!
NTKOG #20: Checkin’ out the fastballs at Fenway. I can’t believe I once said I’d never like baseball. Things would get awkward, fast, with my imaginary boyfriend Dustin Pedroia if that opinion hadn’t changed. (Go Sox!)
NTKOG #23: Drinkin’ beer. Uh, double-ditto to knocking back suds. Guess my career as a semi-pro Frasier impersonator is officially over, ’cause I drink the stuff on purpose now.
NTKOG #28: Requestin’ people on the T turn down their over-loud music. Another one that’s unbelievably strange to think once was true. I blame this on the fact that my favorite soundtrack used to be my. moody. thoughts. Now I listen to more music in a day than I used to in a fortnight.
NTKOG #32: Askin’ out a random dude right on the street. Then: awkward and horrifying; ended in disaster. Now: just an average Tuesday night; ends in disaster.
NTKOG #36: Not immediately facing a weird dude who hit on me out of nowhere. Well, the novelty of that wore off right quick. On the rare occasions this happens now, meet my good friend, Perfunctory Brush-Off. (My favorite of late: “Uh, this has been unique. I’ve gotta go reread The Great Gatsby now.”
NTKOG #40: Askin’ a band to sign my breasts. My cleavage still provides a less-than-adequate amount of reading material. BUMMER.
NTKOG #42: Requestin’ a discount in a store for no reason other than sheer ballsiness. YOU GUYS ARE DOING THIS, RIGHT?! I do this all the time now — at least five times a week. Lay on the charm and it works monstrously well.
NTKOG #46: Buttin’ in to strangers’ conversations with unsolicited advice. Although I’ve retired from offered luuuuurve advice (“Uh, keep a copy of The Great Gatsby on you? In case you need to shoot a dude down?”), I find myself frequently inserting myself in strangers’ conversations. Little things, like helping them find a street, offering gum, or warning that the store they seek is closed. No one’s ever yelled at me.
NTKOG #55: Vanity TMI erotica project. Turns out nobody else likes awkward erotica. MORE PIMPLE-POPPIN’ SEX AND FORGOTTEN TAMPONS FOR ME! (No, seriously, I gave up on this after like two weeks. You’re welcome, world.)
NTKOG #61: Meetin’ dudes on the internet. After several more months’ experience, I can say with educated candor: don’t meet dudes on the internet. Unless you’re really, really serious about finding a relationship and thus willing to put up with lots of unenviable bullshit.
NTKOG #69: Givin’ back the “Bank Error In Your Favor” card. Since this happened, I’ve had several bouts of undeserved good fortune that I, like a chump, tried to reverse. Hint taken, universe. I’m not saying the IRS made a little mistake with my tax return, but if they hadn’t, I would have stopped trying.
NTKOG #87: Meetin’ up with other bloggydudes. Wow, if I’d remained afraid of this one, I would have even less of a social life. (Which, admittedly, doesn’t sound so bad. But a girl’s gotta keep a few reasons to own cocktail dresses.)
NTKOG #88: Ridin’ the subway pantless. How did I start wearing pants more often after writing this?! Goddamnit anyway.
NTKOG #93: Spendin’ zero dollars on my food budget. I’m really sad that I didn’t stick with this particular experiment. Since this time, I’ve started spending all my evenings in Cambridge, writing, and subsequently living off of pizza and take-out. My body and budget are extremely peeved with me about this. My writerly-dudeliness isn’t.
NTKOG #107: Drinkin’ alone. I … I do this not-infrequently now. Usually in the bath. But I: 1) bought a corkscrew, and 2) haven’t drowned myself yet, so I’m ruling it a fair decision.
NTKOG #113: Savin’ the goddamn children. Since that run-in with the Save The Help campaigner, I’ve maintained a monthly donation and also made small donations to other local charities, after researching them. That campaigner’s incredible attitude and warmth actually did light a little spark within me that, even if I don’t feed as much as I could, I keep burning. Hey non-profit dudes! The stuff you do really can make a small, good difference!
NTKOG #114: Sweatin’ out a hangover. Ha. This gin-soaked ass never makes it to the gym anymore. So hopefully you could drunken bathtub doggy-paddling as sufficient cardio.
NTKOG #117: Complimentin’ dudes on their aesthetic appeal. After y’alls’ comments, I checked my assumptions and got over the awkwardness of complimenting random guys. My motto: if you see something you like, say something. You might make someone’s day. Or, better, score free baked goods!
NTKOG #121: Poppin’ OTC pills. Guess who just finished a 14-day run of OTC Prilosec? (I know, this blog just gets sexier and sexier.) Seriously, though, I’ve chugged through a bottle each of Advil, Mucinex and benadryl after writing this post, and felt twenty times better in my day-to-day because of it.
NTKOG #150: Turnin’ to witchcraft to cure nightmares. Three months nightmare free. Thanks, High Priestess Doris!
NTKOG #154: Writin’ self-satisfaction surveys. I’m bummed that I’ve grown sporadic about this! I felt so balanced and happy when I was doing it. Plus, filling them out as a nightly routine weirdly reminded me to wash my face more often.
NTKOG #158: Gettin’ a Brazilian. OH MY GOD WHEN WILL THE ITCHING STOP.
Welllll. That was unwieldy and self-absorbed. And now I’m having the hardest time not ending this epic 1000+ word post with a your mom joke. Basically I win at everything ever. Thanks for reading, loves. Now I’m going to go pop a bottle of champers in the tub.
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
Congratulations! I started following you somewhere in the 30′s chapters. Your “overly long post tags” are usually just as entertaining as the original content.
I was riding my bike today and listening to David Sedaris on the Ipod. You entertain me just as much. I hope you take that as a compliment. Enjoy the Champagne.
Soap gets in my eyes……..
Congratulations. I feel surprisingly proud of you even though I don’t even really know you. Nice work :)
Dude, I think I’d pay good money for a bound copy of your NTKOG adventures.
I just spent way too much time figuring out what, “get all sarah palin on my gerunds,” meant. First I had to google “gerunds.” :) See! Your blog is entertaining AND educational.
I had to look it up as well. Had I taken English 102 I would have already known it!
Reminded me of an English class I was in college Taking. Where if you didn’t know it, looking up a word, would then show you the meaning. Sure enough, if you were all loose canonning and mavericking like I was, that hidden meaning word would be appearing on that never expecting pop quiz.
Read it again in the voice of Sarah Palin and see if it doesn’t make sense this time. :)
Nice! Congrats on this and your stories getting published and just plain being awesome. You rock!
I did know gerunds but only because of Latin. Why is it that what I know about English grammar comes from studying French and Latin?
You know this will probably be published as a fine book when you’ve finished the entire challenge, don’t you…? ;-)
I actually loved Awkward Erotica. I shared that link with all my friends, haha.
I too am an Awkward Erotica fan, but I’m an odd duck.
congratulations! I’m so glad I found this, reading our adventure-stories always makes me laugh! And cringe. And then laugh.
I can’t recall exactly how I found your blog, but I’ve been following for several months now, and I love every god damn entry. I wolf them down and wish there was more to follow. I would also like to add that I LOVE Awkward Erotica. I read all of the posts several months after it had already been abandoned, and was saddened that it was no more.
Even though I consider myself to be extremely adventurous, I have taken a page from your book, and will question small personal behaviors, all thanks to you. This is one of my favorite blogs on the web, and I plan on commenting more from now on… I don’t know why I never did before.
Dude, if you feel a swell of spectral pressure overwhelming your torso for a moment, do not be alarmed. It is just me, giving you a big ol’ out-of-body-experience bearhug.