NTKOG #175: The kind of monstrously amped energy fiend who pounds those tiny bottles of liquid truckstop meth dubbed as single-shot energy drinks.
I am: usually verging on the obnoxious edge of extreme perkiness already.
I am not: huge on pumping chemicals into my body. Heck, it wasn’t ’til this year that I even started taking aspirin.
The Scene: The office at the un-witching hour of 2:30, when every 9-to-5er’s cube is magically transformed into a lead coffin for productivity. But not anymore! After seeing about fifty ads for it on Hulu, I finally broke down and bought a two-pack of 5-Hour Energy: a single shot of PURE! LIQUID! ENERGY!
That isn't a tagline. It's a mo-friggin' threat.
All afternoon, I sneaked glances at the lurid sunset-hued bottles and giggled gleefully to myself. Forget the concoction itself — just looking at it was an anticipation orgy! When 2:30 finally rolled around, I was all but vibrating as I screwed off the cap, delicately wiped away the weird brown spots on the bottle lip, then gulped it down.
The instructions on the box suggested half a bottle as a single serving; full bottle for MAXIMUM ENERGY. I hardly need tell you which I chose.
As for how it went? Huh. I wisely opened up a blank Word Doc to jot my tasting notes, lest the experience leave me too psyched out of my damn mind to recall the effects of this magical brew. I’ll let those notes (reprinted here in full) speak for themselves:
thoughts upon opening and consuming a bottle of five-hour energy:
2:31: that smells weirdly good.
2:32: oh god, the burning. like each individual pore in my throat is snorting a line of coke at once.
2:35: whoa, what would that even sound like? do snorts have pitches?
2:43: huh, there was obviously mold on the lip of the bottle. checking the crags of my chapped lips. there’s probably spore build-up.
2:51: gentle cloudy-eyed bewilderment, like a mall pet-store puppy.
2:57: oh god it’s like getting too stoned: you want to undo it but the only cure is time. also, i’m monstrously hungry right now.
2:59: no, think, goddamnit. stay focused.
3:12: so much sadness. it’s like a big shaggy monster hugging me too tightly from behind. i love you too, sadness monster. even if you’re deformed like a puppy mill sheepdog.
3:15: i should have finished those muzzy tapes when i was seven years old. i’d know french by now.
3:24: ennui.
3:30: seriously? four hours left of this crap?
Yeah, so I’m not sure whom they tested this snake oil on or whether my body’s completely broken but, dude, forget perilous psychitude — ten minutes after ingesting the shot, I was so fuzzy that I could barely think. And, worse, the few thoughts that filtered through were friggin’ melancholy. We’re talking Chekhovianly sad.
After an hour, the jittering kicked in and I’d lost the mental capability to continue tapping out unfocused notes. Instead, moved around the office purposelessly, shambling into walls and lowing balefully like the captive grizzly in a podunk county circus.
Apparently I’m really big on the near-death-animal visual today. What can I say? 5-Hour Energy took a glorious, majestic creature (viz., me) and sucked out its pride, its vitality, its very essence. I’d totally like to use this opportunity to rail against the perils of modernity but, dude, I need a dang nap.
The Verdict: Technically, 5-Hour Energy makes good on its promise to eliminate that 2:30 in the afternoon feeling. Unfortunately, it does so by replacing it with a 2:30 in the morning, spilling white wine all over your pajamas, dry-sobbing over pictures of your Great Lost Love, pre-anxiety attack feeling.
Screw you, 5-Hour Energy. Go peddle your jittery sad-juice elsewhere.
{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
Maxie takes that stuff on the reg… I’m 95% it’s where her crazy comes from.
This made me laugh so hard. I was always curious about that 5-hour energy stuff, but never had the guts to try it. Back in “the day” (read: five years ago and earlier when I was still in college), I was always after the perky pick-me-up… but I used tried and true methods…if you catch my sniff I mean drift. After I finally quit that crap, I was always wary of the legal stuff. It tended to be all anxiety and jitters with none of the “WILL. DO. THIS. NOW… WILL. LOVE. IT!” that I really craved. Thanks for the review… I will continue to be 5-hour-energy-less, since Starbucks generally suffices for those desperate 2:30 afternoons.
“Unfortunately, it does so by replacing it with a 2:30 in the morning, spilling white wine all over your pajamas, dry-sobbing over pictures of your Great Lost Love, pre-anxiety attack feeling.”
I giggled aloud in my cubicle of death because of this. I’ve always had an aversion to energy drinks, as I find them to be sketchy as all get-out. You’ve just confirmed my suspicions.
A Red Bull representative came to my grad school campus one day and gave me a free Red Bull. I thought I was going to die. So I’ve been a little frightened to try this stuff.
Not to be a total hippie here, but you know what helps that 2:30 in the afternoon feeling for me? Yogurt. Or a banana.
I’m mildly fond of Red Bull, but not as an energy boost — just as a highly caffeinated diet soda or mixer. (Godawful though it is, for some reason I love the flavor.) Totally agree with you about yogurt or fruit as an energy boost. In theory, anyway. In actuality, sometimes it ends up being a pack of coconut M&Ms. Which is basically a fruit, right?! There are some natural flavors in there, according to the package…
Or Starburst. In a pinch, the only real difference between a fruit chew and a fruit is the chew part. And some unpronounceable ingredients.
a friend in high school drank her first Red Bull and wandered off into the woods – it took us 30 minutes to find her. I don’t drink Red Bull.
“3:12: so much sadness. it’s like a big shaggy monster hugging me too tightly from behind. i love you too, sadness monster. even if you’re deformed like a puppy mill sheepdog.”
I don’t know why but this sentence made me feel like I want to meet and hug that sadness monster… it sounds sweet…
Yeah, I had incredibly high and low mood swings when I was on that…the one time I took it. Definitely melancholy juice.
Haha, this was hilarious.
I’ve always wondered about drinking one of those energy shots, but this review has turned me off of the idea.
Love it!
My grandmother used to drink this stuff and never had any issues. I have never tried this one but I have tried a Red Bull on occasion and I hate it. It makes me shake uncontrollably for a couple of hours.
It sounds really scary. I’m staying away from this.
Hey, for your next “Try something weird” post, will you try Horny Goat Weed? A bunch of people I knew in college had some but no one ever had the cojones to take it. I’m sure it’s just a sugar pill, though.
Hells yes! Great timing, as I’m visiting The Ex next weekend. I’m totally making him try some with me, too.
Dear, please define your terms: EX. Is this the new term for “friends with benefits” that so annoys mothers. In my day “friends with benefits” were husbands. Previously I covered this issue with the EX. How I love Dirty Martinis –the truth serum for mothers. You might try one at 2:30 PM and see how your day goes. It might have a different sort of ending.
I’m going no closer to this than suggesting that TKOMom should watch the film “It’s Complicated”.
5 Hour Energy looks terrifying to me. Venom Energy Drinks are almost too much for me to handle. If they were any more intense, I would end up in the psych ward after taking one.
First of all: Coconut M&Ms exist!?!? I need those.
Second: I was never an energy drink person, but the Go Girl Bliss is so delicious. It’s peach tea. But also an energy drink. I don’t think it gives as much energy/jitters as Red Bull.
Dear, the Muzzy tapes are in Spanish and we still have them. They are vhs, but perhaps Dad (bc) can convert them for you. Tea, dear, out of a bone china cup (not mug) and saucer: that’s what one drinks at 2:30 PM. You may have two biscuits, but not three, one is preferable. Remember your roots. You do NOT require “truck driver” faire.
Sorry, dear. I was thinking French. I meant to write fare not faire.
The comments on this post were almost funnier than the post itself (which was still hilarious, but you have some awesome readers, too. I am dying.)
I love Mom
in a strict literary way, of course.
Thanks for confirming all my suspicions about FHE. I’m guessing they’re OK if you’re driving a NASCAR around the track at 200 mph, not so good in the office. Dare you to take two at once.
Great stream of consciousness. Best line, “it’s like a big shaggy monster hugging me too tightly from behind. i love you too, sadness monster. even if you’re deformed like a puppy mill sheepdog.” Kinda snuck up on ya, eh?
Ok, I’ve never driven NASCAR, but I have shut someone down on the highway at over 120mph! The last thing I want anywhere near me at those speeds is someone who’s on a sugar high and/or running the sort of stream of conciousness that produces lines like “it’s like…mill sheepdog.” Awesome as the line is, it’s not condusive to the sort of pinpoint car control and rapid decision making you need when you’re covering a mile every 30 seconds or less!
My three year old freaking loves the five hour energy commercial and is constantly asking for some. Now I know better.
(Well, really I knew better before. But now I REALLY know better.)
thanks for taking one for the team! i keep seeing commercials for these on Hulu, but i just don’t dare try ‘em. i get jittery enough with coffee…
Oh lorrrrrd.
The scene: Finals week is imminent, and of course every teacher has decided to load on as many projects and homework assignments as they can imagine, solely to cause their students mental suffering.
I will admit, that at times… I procrastinate. I am human.
I’ve been drinking soda since I was two (which is horrifying, and about 2 months ago I gave it up which is HUGE because I can go through six a day without a second thought), a bad habit that has rendered the effects of caffeine on my body somewhat ineffective; I’ve got one hell of a tolerance built up.
I had a presentation to give the next morning, and hadn’t even started it. I had bought some 5 hour energy shots, in hope that they would have effect.
I drank SIX bottles… and still managed to fall asleep within two hours of doing so. Though they didn’t have the desired effect of keeping me up so I could work on my project, they did succeed in making me feel like a god damn vibrator; I couldn’t stop shaking. I couldn’t concentrate on anything for days… it was far from the outcome I was going for.
k, confession time. i’ve been reading your blog for a while now, but have never left a comment. you may not remember me, but we were in gvhs forensics together. oddly enough, i was visiting my parents this past week and found myself rummaging through my senior yearbook (ahhh, nostalgia). you wrote literally the nicest comment in my yearbook. like so excessively nice that i was left with no other choice but to de-lurkify myself on your blog. so there you have it. your blog is hilarious by the way. but you already knew that, right?!
My coworker just took one of these 5-hour energy shots. I read him choice excerpts from this post to prepare him. :-)