NTKOG #176: The kind of impulsive total masochist who — facing the perfectly normal issue of pubic hair grooming — acts on the unthinkable impulse.
I am: often seized with irrational desires to do things that are somewhere between SUPER-APOCALYPTIC (jumping into subway tracks) or merely very, very bad ideas (huh, what does paint taste like?).
I am not: sure which category this fits in.
The Scene: My bathtub, where usually only good decisions are made. After an extremely lackluster Wednesday, headed home early from writing to take a marathon soak with a glass of Beaujolais. Confessional: once I add even a drop of wine, my bathtime becomes a little surreal. Enter TKOG, singing Mountain Goats, staining the mounds of bubbles pink with Beauj, creating a whole sudsy universe. This time, though, I was arrested by the site of my catastrophic recent Brazilian, where hair again grew lush and unencumbered, with no consideration to the bone-melting pains I took to remove it.
Considering I promised y’all a vajazzling post, this simply wouldn’t do. Brainstormed a few methods of hair removal. Trusty ol’ razor (trusted primarily to incite ingrown-hairs); Nair (with its chemical smell and insidious capability to fire-ravage sensitive skin); self wax kit (and run the risk of spending the rest of my life with a strip of wax glued to my nethers). Then I was seized with a weird urge that’s been with me since high school and that, for once, I allowed myself to act on. I chose the unthinkable option.
I plucked.
Okay, I’m going stop for a moment while you grab a pair of tweezers and pluck one of your pubic hairs. Now try that again roughly ten thousand times, over the course of two hours, two listens to Tallahassee, and the rest of a bottle of Beauj.
I don’t really think I need to tell you how painful this was. Though midway through, I remembered the time I accidentally bit out one of a guy’s pubic hairs. He had curled up into a protective ball and banished me from the room — something I thought was a bit of a friggin’ over-reaction at the time. A quarter of the way in, I wanted to call him and apologize. By the time I got to halfway through, realized that on the strength of that episode alone, he’d probably never want to hear my voice again.
But I finished what I started, and frig it if my skin isn’t mega-smooth. In fact, because I could take my time and control the pain, I actually found this more pleasant (though significantly more time consuming) than getting a Brazilian. Which is probably only a sign that I should get plastered before my next waxing session.
The Verdict: Dude, you know what I’m afraid of now?
NOTHING.
{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
Um holy mother of my soul, I can’t even imagine the pain. I seriously cry just plucking a long stray hair on my face. You are so frackin insane. I love it. This is one that I simply will NEVER try. WOW!
You plucked. ALL OF THEM?!
You know it! Alllllll of them. It took ages and was only very questionably worthwhile. The results were better than shaving; equivalent to plucking. The time spent was comparable to getting through an inch or two of War and Peace, though.
I have actually done this. It was just this weird compulsion that came over me, and I couldn’t seem to stop. I will NEVER do it again.
But it probably was the smoothest it ever was down there. And it lasted a while.
!!!!!!!! I’m so glad I’m not the only person who’s ever had this compulsion! Often I’ve thought about plucking my leg hairs while watching TV — figured I could finish the whole project over a few evenings. But I’ve never actually done it, and have never even mentioned the compulsion to anyone because it sounds so bizarre. So basically we’re masochistic grooming soul sisters, is what I think I’m saying here.
Yes. Its a relief to know I’m not alone. Also, to save you the pain, I will go ahead and admit something else. Now, I’m not admitting to having hairy man feet here or anything, but:
The hairs that everyone knows women do not have on their toes? If you pluck them, it will make you cry. I mean, if there were actually hairs there.
Resist the urge.
oh man, I am on top of it with the toe hair thing! I attempted to thread them a few months ago and it was, although brutally effective, completely soul sucking.
Yet for some reason, saying you pluck your (non-existent, obvi) toe hair sounds much, much better than saying: “Yeah, I have to shave my feet. NO BIG DEAL.”
I got a tattoo on the top of my foot and barely noticed it, but that time I plucked the hairs (I don’t have) on my toes there were tears in my eyes. TEARS.
I succumbed to the urge to pluck my armpits once… it was a two day mission. My neck and shoulder was so sore from contorting in front of the mirror I spent a day with one baby smooth pit and one forest pit.
But DOWN THERE? Nup, I’m not as brave as you. Or perhaps I just don’t have good enough wine…
That is either the most magical Beaujolais ever, or you are officially tkog who would laugh at the complaining of folks who have to cut off their own limb with a blunt knife (because they are stuck or something). I applaud your fortitude…I think.
TOTALLY BOTH! Beauj is always magical. It’s the only white wine that happens to be red!
But I like to think the experiment also helped me regain faith in my total physical invincibility. I was pretty shaken by the fact that my Brazilian left me so dang scarred. It’s no secret that one of my biggest goals in life is to be as badass as my mother; part of this means that I’m 100% dedicated to the idea of a no-anesthesia natural birth. Though hopefully not to a 10.5 pound baby. Seriously, newborn-TKOG could have fed a family of six.
Whoa, big tangent. Point is: when I was sniffling and screaming through the Brazilian, I got really dejected and thought, goddamn, I’m weak, I’m going to get the epidural. But now that I’ve plucked all my pubic hair, my cherished hopes of birthing with pre-Civil War medical technology are restored.
re: birthing with pre-civil war medical technology
dude. i also harbor a desire to give birth naturally, but my faith in my ability to do this is shaken about once a month when i get cramps from hell and have to take half a bottle of aleve just to get through the day. like, srsly, if these cramps are a *fraction* of the pain i’m going to feel when giving birth… wtf am i thinking?
…dear god.
I can’t even pluck my eyebrows without tearing up; I have to pay for someone to thread it for me. And while yes, I give myself Brazilians, those sessions only last 30 minutes top since I’m ripping out like 20 hairs at a time.
You should be a U.S. spy. If you’re ever caught and tortured for information, the government will know their secrets are safe with you.
You boggle my mind. Also, I owe you an email about clerkships.
I’m speechless…
No I’m not: plucking your legs while watching tv seems a good idea, with a silkepil (didn’t want to make commercial, but it’s the only name I can think of for those plug-in plucking monsters) it’s a bit less time consuming and you get used to the pain…
Though… you never get used to the pain of those plug-in plucking monsters on your “bikini zone”… sigh…
I tried… dear god I’ve tried to pluck! I admire your bravery. I feel like sometimes you need an OCD adventure like this to clear your mind. I think that’s the only reason I gave it a shot but had to give up after about a square inch patch left me trembling and begging myself “why!?” Of all the activities you chose though, I think this is great. There’s something about being completely bare that makes you hold your head up a little higher.
It was definitely an experience. I’m not actually a fan of — uh, bald kitties? Unfrosted cupcakes? Naked pubes, is what I’m saying here. Shaved legs are gorgeous, but I tend to think women look good with armpit and (trimmed) pubic hair. That said, I’m at peace with the fact that the only people who agree with me about this are, like, fourteenth century French peasants who have been recently time/space vortexed to the modern age. And even then, once they see like one Gillette commercial, they’re like, “wtf, TKOG, stop being such a gross hippie.”
I have to say, i wish it was a little bit more mainstream stateside to have a flower garden down there…. it would save me the weekly, contortionist grooming required to be western-world approved. For me, the confidence lasts all of about 48 hours before the 5 o’clock shadow starts to kick in and i get all depressed about the fact that gillette blades are a borderline cartel industry with their absurd price structures.
I’ve gotten my pubes stuck on the adhesive side of a menstrual pad. So…yeah, not fun at all. Thank god for my indifference to pubes (and tampons).
I still can’t believe you did this! You’re a freaking card, you know that right?
OMJ-OMJ-OMJ I am pretty sure it would require more than the Beaujolais for me to set off on this one. I am in awe of this attempt. I had recently considered laser, supposed to be less painful and after the first series you go less often, then I found out that after you go for a certain amount of time (no set number, it’s different for everyone) it will never grow back. Ummm, hello, pubic styles change people. 20 years ago a little hair down there was a good thing. Remember the landing strip??!!
Good god. I still prefer a Brazilian… Besides, there are certain areas you just can’t reach… :/ My aesthetician serves champagne/wine.
i cannot believe you did this. you should get some sort of award.
while i’ve dabbled in leg-plucking, i’ve never been able to sit still long enough to actually get through an entire leg. i cannot imagine sitting still long enough to actually get through my entire vagina… although, i imagine the pain to be what it would feel like to get a tattoo… manageable but irritating because it’s seemingly in the same spot.
I have also had the compulsion to pluck down there, but I gave up because my neck started hurting haha. I strongly suggest getting an epilator. They have like 250 mechanical tweezer heads! Totally worth it.
There is not enough Beaujolais in the world to tempt me to pluck my pubes. My fedora’s off to you!
I have to confess, I do this all the time. I am addicted to plucking my eyebrows, and if I don’t watch out I will obsessive-compulsively pluck way too much. So I take out my hair-pulling tendencies on my bikini line – only for grooming purposes, not to become all naked down there which seems very strange to me even if it is all the fashion these days.
ahh now I’m all bush-conscious. I will never be able to sleep with a non-French person.
But I have a bit of an OCD hair plucking thing, so I actually really like doing it, except for the horrid ingrowns, which are making me want laser.