NTKOG #183: The kind of girl who VAJAZZLES! Which is, for those of you over 40 or who don’t follow Jennifer Love Hewitt’s talk show appearances, a portmanteau of “vagina” and “bedazzle”. Oh yeah, guys, it’s getting sparkly all up in here.
I am: a no-frills pubic groomer. Cleaning? Of course. Trimming? Sure. Affixing dozens of Swarovski crystals into cutesy little designs? Uh…
I am not: super sparkly anywhere except my personality. Which, last time I checked, I don’t keep between my legs.
The Scene: After hearing a bit about the vajazzling trend, I poked around online to see how one even goes about getting bejazzled. Read quite a bit about embarrassing sounding spa trips, then stumbled upon Vajazzleville — a blog dedicated to spreading the word (and some soon-to-be-sparkly inner thighs) about the latest quirk in personal grooming.
Exchanged a few emails with Mark, the VAJAZZLEMASTER (at least I hope that’s what his business card says. in rhinestones.), and he very generously offered to send me a free kit to try it out on my own.
Now, before I started, I had a lot of misconceptions about vajazzling. For the edification of you fellow non-vajazzlers, let’s clear some shiz up:
Vajazzle Myth 1: Vajazzling involves gluing sparkles inside your lips, along the hairline, and right on top of the little man in the boat.
Debunked: Vajazzling can be performed anywhere on the abdomen, but is most popular on the “cushion-top” area. It’s basically a crystal tattoos (’90s prom, anyone?), and completely non-invasive. Personally, I embellished the cushion-top. Mostly because I can’t get enough of saying cushion-top. CUSHION-TOP.
Vajazzle Myth #2: Vajazzling either needs to be done at the salon, or is a time-intensive affair involving individually placing crystals with eyelash glue.
Debunked: I was pleasantly surprised to check out the Vajazzleville kit, which was a double-diamond design a few inches across. All of the crystals are stuck to an adhesive backing, so the whole design transfers easily and sticks firmly to your clean, dry skin. It took The Ex approximately thirty seconds to place mine, and most of that was spent debating whether to place it at a rakish upward angle or a horizontal bar evenly spaced above the lips (aka: the Clitler).
Vajazzle Myth #3: The vajazzle will look cute for a few seconds, but soon you’ll be shedding awkward rhinestones and/or your boyfriend will be picking gems out of his eyebrows for weeks.
Debunked: It’s been less than 24 hours, but the gems feel very firmly attached. They’ve survived several clothes changes, ten minutes of sprinting through an airport, a cross-country flight, and maaaaybe a little inappropriate fondling.
The Verdict: Guys, I am the antithesis of the vajazzle spokesgirl. I wanted to hate this, or at least think it ludicrous. I mean, come on, vagina bedazzling? Can you say Sex Trafficker Barbie? But once The Ex finished applying it, we stood in front of his full-length mirror, silent for a moment, then simultaneously muttered: “…whoa.”
Hey, remember that time I could never, ever, ever run for office? Good thing I didn't bother going to law school. But for plausible deniability, I swear, this is a picture of a temporary tattoo on my arm. MY ARM.
It’s — really, really cute. It’s hard to convey the full effect in a suitable-for-work shot, but … I kind of love it. It feels fun and sort of flirty; the way the light plays across it is captivating; it even — Gloria Steinem shoot me for saying it — makes me feel a little empowered about my vagina. I mean, how often do you look at your ladybits and think, ‘Goodness, you are a pleasure to behold!’?
I wouldn’t go to a salon for vajazzling, that’s true, but I also don’t usually shave my ladybits, so obviously I’m just super low-maintenance. I would, however, actually do this again if I, y’know, had maybe a boyfriend I wanted to pleasantly surprise or wanted to feel dramatically feminine during a girly club-hopping weekend. I’m shocked at how much I loved this. The only trouble now is going to be refraining from telling everyone who sits next to me on the bus: “Hey, guess what?! There are sequins. ON MY VAGINA.”
In fact, I liked this so much and I was so surprised that I think you need to try it to believe it. So, dude, come back tomorrow for a little giveaway to make that happen. Words cannot capture how intensely right now I feel that vajazzling is something to GET PSYCHED ABOUT. (And, again, big ups to Vajazzleville, whose name I had to pimp once for giving me a free vajazzle kit, but am mentioning again now out of sheer love for a truly great product.)
{ 1 trackback }
{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }
Duuuude. Awesome. You are now my hero. I mean, more than usual.
This sounds delightful, despite its creepster factor at the very very beginning. Pretty ladybits! Also, cushion-top.
You are outta control…. first plucking, now this!? What next? I’m almost afraid to know :)
Ummm, did I wake up after sleeping through Tuesday and Wednesday? This is a TMI.
You missed watching me at the bar with TKOMom and my dad (perhaps yours, too) turning bright red from embarrassment. It was like a scene out of a movie: at one point, I pointed at my drink and mouthed to the bartender, “I need another one of these [vodka cranberry].” Hot Hands and TKOMom enjoyed watching me squirm.
Dude. Dude. Nothing can be more awkward than the Thanksgiving that mom got wacky on dirty martinis and spent two hours alternately grilling The Ex about when he was going to marry me and telling him he was stupid for ordering spaghetti in a deli. Oh, or the time we went drinkin’ after my break-up and she started talking about “big strapping prostitutes”. Oh TKOMom.
Dear, TMI. Think I’ll suggest that bc Dad read this par ticular column. He is quietly listening to the “new” John Prine album in the hotel as we contemplate where we WERE going to take you to dinner. Pass the salt please, dear. Time for a Bloody Mary.
Way to keep your future options open with the picture of
your, uh “arm”.
I hate to jump on the TKOMom bandwagon again, but was that really the topic at TG dinner?!
I loved the “New” John Prine reference- Shows that Dad is hip if not a little behind!
Dave, dear, the choices are the “new” John Prine album or David Bryne’s “Here Lies Love.” You choose, dear. Dad has always been too hip for the room.
“I am not: super sparkly anywhere except my personality. Which, last time I checked, I don’t keep between my legs.”
Please never change this one bit of yourself, I love it!
Plus I laughed so hard with this post, thank you! XD
Okay, I am a total skeptic as well. But I’m intrigued by your conversion. I feel that JLH could do a better job of explaining Vajazzling, because I saw her on a talk show and I totally thought she meant rhinestoning the c/lips.
I’m fairly certain that JLH is really not capable of explaining things better. Just sayin. ;)
Loved the post, I have done the Vajazzling as a joke, but then, I too, loved it. It was so uber girly, but in a very “I’ve got sexy secret” way. It is hard not to blurt it out in completely inappropriate ways! Which, I am pretty sure would be tragic. Thank goodness we have the internet.
I’m confused. What’s the difference between the vajazzle kit and those little 90s rhinestone prom tattoos?
The only difference might in fact be placement. But these are also a good size for the cushion top and have awesome, awesome adhesive, which the last rhinestone temporary tattoo I bought didn’t. Although the latter fact might be explained by advances in the adhesive industry since the early aughts.
Aww.. for some reason I had thought that it was big ol sparkly rhinestones all over the lips, like a jewel-encrusted crown. Sigh. I’m slightly disappointed in the product (i totally would sometimes wear those rhinestone tattoos), but still very happy that you tried it!! (so is The Ex now The BF? Your tags confuse and intrigue me..)
P.S. Did I mention I love you? I love you. The things that you do to amuse the internet.
Oops, good catch on the tag! That was just a typo: The Ex remains The Ex. I just called him “Boyfriend” for so many years that it’s hard to get out of the habit! Also, I love the mental image of completely encrusting the full muffin. Like a disco ball! Made of vulva! One fears it would be hard to sit down while wearing, though…
Sit?! You would lounge like a queen, absolutely covered in jewels and carried about by your man-slaves on a couch.
Extra points if it’s a vulva couch.
Wow. Nice. How do you get them off, though? Does it involve the pulling and the pain and the hurting and GLAVIN?
I’m never going to do this but I do hate the concept a lot less!
Wow. I am under 40 and had somehow missed this trend. It is amazing what we will do to our bodies in the name of attractiveness. Not that I am considering buying my own or anything. I swear.
You could sell water to a drowning man. I swear to fucking god you could. Vagina bedazzling? I saw that and rolled my eyes. By the end of your post, I’m all ‘hell yeah! Bedazzing your vag is so obviously a feminist statement!’
I think this goes in the file of “Things to Consider for a Very Special Occasion”. And really hasn’t that file been around in one form or another for years? This just upped the ante a little. Also, I would pay good money to see the expression of the person next to you on the bus if your story-sharing self-restraint failed.
Dude, you did it. Even though I had this knowledge prior to the actual event, I am still kind of shocked that it took place. I think I am gonna have to do something completely out of character, just so you can be as entertained as you have made me throughout the [almost] year!
dude, i think i kinda need this in my life. just for the fact that i want to say my vadge is bedazzled. also, these remind me of those little rhinestones that you can kinda glue/stick to your nails. they’re like$2.99 by sally hansen… maybe they’d work the same?
Um yea. I don’t even shave so I won’t be doing the bling for sure. You brave soul.
I’m trying to piece together why a person would need or want to bedazzle their crotch though.
I do, however, love bling on most other things including my personality.
Oh I’m completely in on that. Bling goes with everything! Only thing standing between me and vajazzling is.. well a huge ocean and an overpowering fear of getting waxed in sensitive areas.
This post could only be better if there was a photo of the Clitler.
I guess someone has to try these things. I’m glad it was someone who makes me laugh, and not, say, Justice.
Dude, the vajazzle is a thumbs-up. If Justice tried it, you’d have a decent shot of becoming a fan. Or you would have, had I not forced the very idea of vajazzling to forever be associated with me, thus T-Rexishly stomping out all of its sexytimes potential.
Hee. Vajazzling. Maybe I’ll add it to my List of Things To Do When and If I Ever Get a Boyfriend Again. Just, you know. To say I’ve tried it. I don’t spend a lot of time looking at my own hoo-ha though so it would be a wasted effort otherwise.