NTKOG #185-7: The kind of self-absorbed douche sandwich double-sauteed in jerksauce who, confined to a matchbox-sized airplane seat, feels the need to expand her presence in the most obnoxious ways possible.
I am: at my best, as a human being, on airplanes: mild, efficient, insular. We’re going to make it through this, buddy, says TKOG, and I’m only here to help.
I am not: sympathetic to anyone who willingly inflicts discomfort on other travelers on the flimsy excuse that “I’m not comfortable.” Uh, yeah, welcome to modern travel.
In this pursuit, a whole trio of NTKOGs in which I reign as the supreme asshole of the air.
NTKOG #185: The kind of legroom hog who, moments after take-off, slams her seat back into your knee and leaves it there for the whole dang flight.
Call me a Seatback Socialist, but I live by a simple credo: A traveler is entitled to recline her seat precisely as far as the person in front of her does. But for every time the dude in front of you reclines and you keep your seat fully erect, you get to sleep with Adrien Brody in the afterlife. I like to think it’s what Gandhi would do.
Fun fact: not only have I never in my life fully reclined an airplane seat, but I haven’t reclined one even an inch in several years. It’s kind of a point of pride with me. Nonetheless, moments into my return flight, zoomed back several inches, until I could feel my seat gouging the knee of the loud-mouth Masshole wedged in the seat behind me.
“Jesus fucking christ,” he slurred. I smiled sweetly between the seats and apologized, then got back to work on reclining. For five minutes, silence. Then, a siege of first tapping, then kicking, then full-out pounding my seatback. Once the man has escalated to repeatedly lowering his tray table then slamming it back upwards, I turned to him again.
TKOG: Everything alright back there?
Passive-Aggressive Masshole: Yeah, except there’s no fucking legroom on these seats.
TKOG: Oh yes. The perils of flying cattle-class. Well, have a nice flight!
Kick. Kick. Slam.
NTKOG #186: The kind of unprepared thimble-bladder who physically forces you into the aisle to sprint to the onboard lavatory.
Before I boarded the plane, resolved to leave my window seat to use the lavatory for the first time in my adult life aboard a domestic flight. Once the couple sharing my row got seated, though, my resolve wavered: an elderly couple, both obese and obviously mortified about taking up more than their allotted seatroom, who took a good fifteen minutes to swaddle themselves in blankets, blow up travel pillows, and otherwise broadcast to the rest of the cabin that they were infrequently travelers at best. By the time they’d settled and, in rull thick Southern accents, began to confer about how earnestly they hoped to sleep through the whole flight, my heart crackled.
Nonetheless, the second that seatbelt sign came on: “Excuse me, would you mind? I promise not to be annoying again ’til we land.” Slowly, laboriously, they gathered up their travel possessions, re-folded the blankets, and staggered against the turbulence into the aisle. When I returned, the same slow production. By the time I was seated again, my heart felt as empty as my bladder.
NTKOG #187: The kind of neo-warrior/emperor who goes to any length to secure a permanent settlement on the communal armrest.
My theory: the poor schmuck jammed in the center seat deserves every tiny break he can garner in life. Two full armrests is the least we can do to assuage his suffering.
After the heart-rending bathroom visit, while the elderly woman next to me dug through her bag for her hardbound Semi-Literary Sexy Mystery Du Jour, snaked my arm onto the rest and planted it firm. When she was ready to settle back into her seat, she gingerly prodded me with her elbow, but no doing. She made a little moue of consternation, then curled into herself.
A few moments later, the drink cart rolled by, and the Air Waitress leaned over to me with a can of Diet Coke. I protested there must have been a mistake; I was in the lavatory when orders were made. The elderly woman turned to me with a sheepish smile:
“I saw a Diet Coke in your bag. I figured that’s what you want, so I went ahead and ordered it for you, honey.”
Oh my heart. My fucking heart. I gave her the armrest, because there was nothing else I could give her, short of eternal adoration. Curled up against the window to enjoy a sense of peace and rare faith in humanity. Which lasted right up ’til Masshole behind me sneaked his arm into my seat to try to press the seat-recline button.
The Verdict: I try not to be judgmental, but, honestly? Traveling inconsiderately is the fastest and only surefire way to convince this mostly-sympathetic girl that you might just be a terrible person. Trying out some of these taboo behaviors only deepened my resolution: although they provided fledgling sparks of personal comfort, it was at the cost of knowing I was bringing pain to perfect strangers. I can’t do that. I don’t do that. Not even to jerky seat-behind-mates who have no sense of personal boundaries.
What are your guys’ personal rules of etiquette when riding on a plane? Am I just crazy for taking travel comportment so friggin’ seriously?
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
I never, ever recline my seat. I would feel terrible about doing so, especially since I’m only 5″1 and require the legroom of a small child. I also refuse to use the lavatory; however, that has more to do with the fact that I once couldn’t handle operating the unlock mechanism and spent a significantly frightening amount of time “locked in the loo” at age 5. No need to re-ignite that childhood trauma.
Ditto on never reclining my seat, I think they should just get rid of those buttons. I try not to use the lavatory, mostly cause if you have to wait you just stand in the aisle with other passengers staring at you as flight attendants try to push a cart by.
I agree with all of these things!!! I will only recline my seat if I am lucky enough to have no one behind me… which is like… never (and I am a seasoned traveler). It makes me so annoyed when people recline their seats. Once, I was tapping away on my laptop when it happened, and the motion of the seat reclining almost closed my laptop!! Needless to say, I was pretty perturbed.
And as far as bathroom breaks go, I agree there as well! I like to sit in the window seat, so that means I almost never get up to go to the bathroom. Unless it’s a longggg haul flight, and the gods are frowning on me, in which case, it just has to be done.
I like to recline as often as possible with no regard for the person behind me. I’d like to give a funny reason for this, but it just makes me happy. I do, however, recline very slowly, so perhaps the person behind me can avoid the impending tidal wave of chair and save their laptop from an inglorious crushing.
The last time I flew, I sat behind a woman and her child. Despite the woman’s constantly telling the child not to recline, he reclined all the way, then knelt on the edge of the seat bouncing around. I wasn’t reclined and couldn’t even hold my book up to read because of how little space I was given. I am not a small man, but I do not take up more than my allotted seat. That seat in front of me nearly hit me in the face, and I’d had enough.
It was then that I learned just how strong my gut is. I wedged my book between my belly and the seat, and flexed. And sure enough, the child’s seat moved up in front of me to give me breathing room. I left the book there for the duration of the flight and, no matter how hard the idiot kid tried, the seat did not move back toward me a millimeter.
The best part? The kid’s mother caught onto what was happening, looked at me, and gave me an amused smile. She seemed to be enjoying that her child was defeated by my pizza and sushi eating habits.
On a recent red-eye flight from LA to NYC, the asshole behind me wedged his legs against my seat so I couldn’t recline at all and then proceeded to kick, shake and bump my seat the entire 5-hour flight. I was so exhausted and couldn’t sleep I was almost in tears.
Oh NO! Reclining is not only permissible but, for most people, necessary on a red-eye! That’s horrible! And the fact that he kept moving your seat makes this beyond unforgivable! Don’t you wish that dealing-with-strangers etiquette allowed one to turn around and say something to the jerk?
What?! An interpretation of etiquette that involves not saying something here is to politeness what Al-Quaeda’s interpretation of the Qu’ran is to islam. I’m not the kind of girl to make unreasonable demands of my fellow passengers, but if you are being an ass for no apparent reason, I will ask you to stop, and I will do it so painfully polite that unless you’re as shameless as Sarah Palin you will blush furiously, apologize profusely, shrink back in your seat and seriously rethink the direction your life has taken
My previous job forced me to be an air warrior, I have seen it all. I think reclining seats should be taken off of all small aircraft. It’s simply unforgivable to cram people into such a tiny space, then give the person in front of you the ability to look up your nose. Not. Okay. Armrest etiquette, hard call, I rarely use the armrests because I would be reading reports and such or typing away on my laptop and it just wasn’t necessary. I simply tried to occupy the smallest amount of space possible.
I would look busy and try to be small. However, I have been known to tell people they were crossing boundaries, but it was in defense of others, not myself. So I don’t really count that as being a foul person, just a public service.
I admit, I do recline my seat but only on really long flights, we’re talking 20 hours of altogether flight time! Do you crack with such long flights or not?
Dears, for no reason should ANYONE ever RECLINE their seat or use a restroom on an airplane. That is a rule and you are expected to follow it.
P.S. If one is in the middle seat, and one is robust, but not the “two seat large size,” one must cross one’s arms over one’s chest. You may use one armrest, but not two.
truth be told the real reason I get a window seat! I hate to sit that way!
TKOG, I think we’re slowly discovering the root cause of all your crazy little neuroses…
If ever there were a case for nurture over nature, it is TKOG and her fam.
Happy Memorial Day everyone!
I am in the restroom at the gate 5 times so that I never use the rest room.
I love the window seat and gladly pay more to get that seat. I feel obligated to give up the armrest- small concession.
Flying sucks, driving 12 hours sucks more!
I love your blog, but “Air Waitress”? Is this a subtle nod to your experiment in dbaggery, or are you earnestly calling the flight attendant this? Just so you know I’m an “Air Waitress”, and am required to have both extensive emergency medical training and full fluency in one language other than English.
This was pretty gross.
Huh, so this comment is a good reminder of something I often find myself thinking about when talking to people. Had this complaint been worded in a non-attacking way — something like: “Hey, your use of the term ‘Air Waitress’ is offensive. We’re required to have extensive emergency medical training and full fluency in a language other than English,” my immediate response would have been:
Dude! I’m so sorry! I realize I was relying on old-fashioned and demeaning stereotypes about a profession about which I know very little. Thanks for the reminder to always make sure we’re paying full respect to the people around us we might be taking for granted!
But because the response went instantaneously on the offensive, immediately accusing this mild-mannered and generally good-hearted blogger of “gross” “dbaggery,” I’ll admit, such was not my first reaction.
Anyway, it’s the proper one, so let me say: Dude. So sorry. Out-moded and completely incorrect stereotypes about a noble profession, etc., etc.
this is interesting. i had no idea seat reclining was so taboo. i try to travel considerately — sharing arm rests, making only polite amounts of conversation to row mates only on takeoff and landing, and helping people struggling to get their bags into overhead compartments — but as a long-legged girl with bad knees, i nearly always recline my seat (never all the way) to avoid pain. i think it’s relevant that it doesn’t bother me at all when the person in front of me reclines into my space. the seats were made to do that and it’s not an affront to my personal space.
the bit about the woman ordering your coke breaks my heart and reaffirms my faith in people. she’s the reason to put up with people like the guy behind you.
Did th e guy behind you really try and press your seat recline button? that is not only incredibly passive aggressive but also instantly going to have the opposite effect of what he wants to acheive.
if someone asked me nicely to put my seat up a little, i would do it (not that i ever go more than halfway down). if someone tried to sneak their hand onto my personal space to push my button i would instantly jam my elbow onto his hand. but i would be utterly shocked if anyone did this on an australian flight. personal space and all that.
as for toilet breaks… i think it’s fair to ask for one each flight. toilets are provided for a reason and in-flight drinks neccesitate it. i moslty find that if i’m in the middle seat the person in the aisle seat will get up at least once and i can head out then aswell.
He literally did it! Also, the idea of it being normal on an Australian flight made me laugh — I can totally see that happening, based on the few Australians I know.
Also, completely agree with you, that the way to get someone to adjust their behavior is to ask nicely. If someone asked me nicely to do pretty much anything, I would: on an airplane, at work, whatever. A polite, direct approach is the best way to get anything done on this earth!
And I think I come off as a bit harsher than intended about using the restroom and reclining in this post. I don’t think there’s anything actively wrong with them, but I’m so afraid of putting people in uncomfortable situations, that I just personally forbid myself to. Goodness knows if I had a more active bladder or were taller, I’d take advantage of restroom and reclining; if I ever sat aisle, I wouldn’t resent anyone asking me to move.
Plus, my rule is that everyone can and probably should go to the restroom on an international flight. If you’re keeping properly hydrated, chances are you’re going to need some relief!
I’ve found that sitting with my knees up against the back of the seat in front stops the person in front from reclining. When they try they get frustrated and it’s totally worth it. Usually they give up after seeing your legs up and then you can put them down and have a nice recline free flight.
Since no-one else has raised the point, reclining an aeroplane seat only changes the backrest rake (and hence distance between you and the seat in front), it does not increase your legroom although it does rob the kneeroom of the seat behind.
And increases claustrophobia! And makes it impossible to use a laptop, which is my biggest problem with the full-recline.
She ordered you a Diet Coke? Excuse me while I go sob.