On Life As A Human, a few thoughts on unrequited love in the modern age from the uncontested captain of the junior varsity unrequited love squad.
NTKOG #188: The kind of self-proclaimed starlet who, unable to repress her boundless vivacity, winks to all and sundry.
I am: often high-spirited when dealing with people behind counters and cash registers.
I am not: so deluded as to assume I can infuse my normal wheelings slash dealings with a rakish early-’60s pop idol charm.
The Scene: My office, a few times a week, when from the choppy tide of papercuts and incessant phone calls, emerges the form of Gorgeous Irish Contractor. Y’alls with lame jobs will know what I mean when I say he is my Stockholm Syndrome Office Crush: in real life, sure, I probably wouldn’t look twice, but chained to my desk as I am, whenever he comes in, o!, what giggling and frantic gchatting it inspires in me.
Lately, a new kink: when he comes in and says hello (prompting a blush so fierce it melts my molars), he punctuates the exchange with a wink. A WINK. Dudes, I am honest-to-pete simpering as I write this. It’s borderline grotesque.
Bearing my uncharacteristic reaction in mind, for a few days, set about to wink at everyone I interacted with. Not that I expected to sow a city of lovelorn sighs — but maybe there was a free cookie or something in it for me? Set out to my task and chickened out easily half a dozen times. Turns out we all know what winking is, but the actual application is a lot more difficult.
After much soul-searching and angsting over my Moleskine, a first-timer’s trouble-shooting guide to winking:
- There are two kinds of people who wink. Smoldering sexpots and people’s uncles. You can try for the former — oh goodness how you can try — but, uh, heads-up? You’re going to end up firmly planted in latter territory. Might as well skip the middle man and only use the wink to punctuate funny/non-threatening comments.
- Glasses: pro or con? Probably a con. But what am I going to do, walk into walls all day just so I can uncle-wink a barista with undiminished impact?
- If you, like I, are naturally twitchy, keep firm rein on your non-winking eye, lest the wink turn into a blink.
- NO! Do not confuse exerting control over the non-winking eye to HOLDING IT WILDLY AND UNBLINKINGLY OPEN! Oh god, dude, you look like such a psychopath right now.
- Actually, depending on yo’ fam, that’s probably pretty uncle-ish as well.
So, in conclusion: winking is fairly angst-inducing and, if you’re a funny-not-pretty person, isn’t going to come off as much more than funny/flamboyant. Still, as I wandered through my daily life — going out for groceries, yogurt runs, dinner, coffee — winking my dang eye off, found myself kind of enjoying the experience.
Turns out winking at people makes you feel as though you share a secret with them (although, sadly, not the fact that they secretly pine for you). Even if it’s only in my head, it makes me feel like we’ve got a little bond that, in turn, makes me even nicer, which makes them smile more, which ends up with everyone singing and dancing, then a big cartoon bluebird landing on my shoulder, camera zooming in, and him giving a big cheesy wink to the rapt audience.
The Verdict: Sadly, people had very little reaction to this, but the parts that were in my head ended up quite nice. I still find myself winking pleasantly at random people I interact with. And who knows. Maybe one day I’ll get up the nerve to wink back to my office crush.
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
I wink ALL THE TIME.
Not on purpose.
It’s more like a tic, actually.
Nevermind.
I can’t wink. Years ago, I tried practicing in the mirror, but at best I looked like I was having a mild seizure.
There may not have been much outward reaction, but I’m sure people thought, “Oh, she was real nice.”
I’m so awkward when it comes to winking. I would do it more often, but then I end up with stalkers.. :(
Dear, is it a Sarah Palin wink?
I can’t wink. At all. I tried winking at my roommate once, to which she responded, “Are you having a seizure?” She now demands that I wink several times a day so she can see me holding my other eye open and, consequently, piss herself laughing.
Winking is hard.
I can’t wink either! I hate it. I always wondered, “What if I grew up to be an actress and I needed to wink and I didn’t get the part because of that?” Also, whistling. I can’t whistle. I can snap my fingers, though….for what that’s worth.
I think I got a comment from TKOMom. I’m giddy!
Perhaps, dear. I enjoy reading rules. Following them is another matter.
I am laughing so hard right now because my initial thought while reading this was, “It’s so sad that La’Palin ruined winking for me or I would def try this today.” Then I saw your mom’s comment and laughed even harder!
now, in germany we have the 100% non-sleazy double-eye wink. my canadian friend noticed it while living in germany. it struck her that germans can have entire mini-conversations by merely using mono- and double-eye winks.
when i see my favourite colleague in the morning i wink with both eyes and she totally understands the “hi sweets i have to go make some copies for my next class but we’ll catch up during morning break and i cant wait to hear how last night’s date was going and oh my god have you noticed what d. is wearing oh he’s so gorgeous” behind it. yay winking!
It’s the same in Poland. Actually double-eye winks are less weird, as they can convey friendship, sympathy, understanding or “Thanks-for-support, let’s talk after class” etc. Especialy if they accompany a smile and a nod. The mono-wink is much more tricky. Used ironically between friends it can be a funny way to say hi, while if used seriously it can say “Hi sweetums, I’m a self-absorbed douchebag who won’t even remember your name”.
Please, please, PLEASE wink back at Irish Contractor sometime soon– and make sure I’m out front (creepily) watching when it happens.
It’s interesting that this is the first post I ever read on your blog, because I myself also had to “teach myself how” to wink. It definitely doesn’t come naturally. (And you have to be careful when you’re first learning, because you’ll be tempted to wink too often. But eventually you’ll get the hang of winking at appropriate times.)
Of course, I also believe that it will naturally be less creepy/uncle-ish when a woman winks than when a man does, so that will help in your case.
I’ve avoided winking because it always seems like I’m trying to get a foreign object out of my eye. Once in a blue moon, however, it works.
I’ve never been able to really wink at anyone, mostly because I cannot physically wink. But I often like when non-creepy people wink at me, which rarely happens. But still I like this post, and it makes me want to practice my winking so that I can share a secret with someone. Or just pretend to. Or probably just look like a freak. Even so…
Glasses for myopia => that really big eyed look that guys genuinely do find hot.
You know, the same one Tina Fey has going on in 30 Rock, Baby Mama etc.
DUDE – warn a girl before you write stuff that funny! I snorted and woke up the infant snoozing on my chest! Oh well, it was worth it.