TKOG Who eats competitively

Over on Life As A Human, some advice I wish I could have given my sixteen-year-old self. Aside from, y’know, the obvious “stay away from pretty much every guy you like ever.”

NTKOG #197: The kind of inspired glutton who, when testing her physical boundaries, counts success not in miles or reps but ice cream scoops.

I am: a big eater, no doubt. Looking for a dude to help you demolish a pizza? Call me. I’ll bring a six-pack.

I am not: a sprinter. I’m in for endurance.

The Scene: I spend most of my waking hours pondering one simple conundrum: “I love ice cream but hate cancer. How can I combine these two passions?” Enter the Scooper Bowl, an annual Boston event sponsored by the Dana Farber Jimmy Fund, at which, for an eight-dollar ticket, participants can enjoy endless ice cream from top-quality national and local brands.

Endless ice cream. Sounds like a friggin’ challenge to me.

This year’s event was held June 8-10, so last Wednesday after work, I hopped on the T and met Sister at Government Center. While in line, we learned that there were ten participating vendors and set to work strategizing our plan of attack. Which basically boiled down to: eat the ice cream. Eat all of it. Forever.

Flawless in theory, but two immediate snags: 1) while I’d imagined tiny little Baskin-Robbins scooper-spoons, the vendors were over-generously providing full-size scoops; 2) as soon as we grabbed our first cups, it started raining big ol’ elephant tears over our umbrella-less heads.

Plan revision: eat all of the ice cream AS QUICKLY AS FRIGGIN’ POSSIBLE.

Kicked off the party with scoops of mango sorbet and graham key lime ice cream from the inimitable Ciao Bella. Feelin’ fine, if a bit hyper, I upped the confidence and triple-handed things at Ben & Jerry’s, in order to try their Maple Blondie, Cookies & Milk and some sort of caramel cone-spolsion.

Afterwards, Sister was raring to grab some Brigham’s. I, on the other hand, was already clutching onto passers-by for support. Five scoops of ice cream. In twenty minutes. Eight vendors to go.

When it comes to normal consumption, I easily outpace Sister, so I can only credit her extreme enthusiasm to a stomach hardened by years of Scooper Bowl attendance and her heightened hatred of rain. All I know is that as she hopped between vendors and enthusiastically passed me back cup after cup of cold creamy torture, all I could taste was bile and defeat.

However, in forty minutes, I’m disgusted and proud to boast the following trophy:

Full-size scoops, guys. And these are just my cups -- saying nothing about the tastes I stole from Sister in an effort to taste every non-coffee confection in the place. Blech.

After I’d finished that formidable stack, begged her to leave and we made our way to the exit — where we ran smack-dab into a hidden row of three more vendors we’d missed. I tried to beg her off, but Sister sweetly handed me a cup of amazing peppermint ice cream (my absolute favorite) and though it physically pained me, I complied.

“Oooh! Rainbow sherbet!” she squealed, as I finished the last drop. “C’mon, we’ll just take a bite each!” What harm could it do? Picked out the pinkest possible bite with my spoon, tossed it into my ice-cream volcanic stomach and — you guys, it was the nibble that broke the cast-iron glutton’s stomach.

I haven’t eaten ice cream since. Although it’s been less than a week, so give me a few days and I’ll be conquering Vermonsters again in no time, I’m sure.

The Verdict: A rational person here would decide to do her cancer hating and ice cream loving separately from now on. Or vow to spread out next year’s indulgence over all three days, for maximum cancer-research-donating and non-tummyache joy. Or even use this experience to gently remind her readers that moderation is the seasoning that improves all delicacies.

But screw that, dudes. I’m just going into training for next year.

Tagged as: ben and jerry's cookies and milk: cookies'n'cream ice cream stuffed with chocolate chip cookie dough -- WIN, boston, government center, happy birthday to kiss-ducker!, jimmy fund, most disappointing: Edy's Birthday Cake which looks and smells like the corner piece of grocery store birthday cake but tastes like frozen simple syrup, scooper bowl, to my everlasting credit i did not vomit (but i did turn a delicate shade of elphaba green), when i was 21 i tried to start a food blog but after like a week i started reviewing toothpaste and shit and it kind of turned into a "whatever i put in my mouth blog" (less sultry than it sounds), winner of the day: Ciao Bella mango sorbet (so good), yay it's summer