NTKOG #218: The kind of daily philanthropist whose heart is as big as her means are little, but tries to spread joy with what she’s got.
I am: working very hard on trying to do good instead of just being less loathsome.
I am not: able to do much, and, sadly, often wind up doing even less.
The Scene: The Finagle a Bagel across the street from the Boston Public Library, where I seem to find myself eating dinner every. single. night. Asked for my usual (toasted everything with light scallion) but, when I got upstairs noticed my friendly little bagel was schmeared with some horrifying garden veggie concoction.
Being (finally!) that kind of girl, I re-packed my computer and went downstairs to politely request my order be remade. But when the cashier told me I could just throw away the offending mis-order, I sheepishly asked if I could keep it to give to one of the panhandlers who loiter around the library until well after dark.
“That’s a real nice thing to do,” my favorite cashier smiled. “I lived in New York last year on the street. I would have killed for a bagel.”
Heartened by her endorsement, I smiled quietly to myself while I ate, excited to skip outside and enjoy a moment of kindness on a big company’s dime. The second I stepped out the door, the perfect opportunity: a man stood jangling coins in a discarded Au Bon Pain cup, begging for change.
“Hey, do you need money for food?” I asked him.
“Yeah, I’m starving,” he groaned. “I haven’t eaten anything in three days.”
“Here you go!” I chirped, reaching in my bag. “I’ve got a bagel for you!”
His face instantly twisted into a clumsy mask of disgust. “A bagel? What kind is it? Plain?”
“It’s, uh, an everything bagel with cream cheese.”
“Ugh, I’ll pass,” the man sneered. Then, as I turned away, he grudgingly consented, “I’d let you buy me a sandwich, though.”
Never has the phrase “beggars can’t be choosers” been so damn literal.
The same story with the next three men I approached. Two asked for money and, that failing, one attempted a counter-negotiation for cigarettes. The third man ignored me completely.
Finally I gave up and worked my fill in the library. On the way home, just as I was about to descend into the T, decided to give it one more try. A man (the one who groped me the other day, in fact) walked up and jangled his loose-change cup two inches from my ear. “Got any spare change?”
“I don’t,” I told him, “but I have a bagel you can have, if you’re hungry.”
“I don’t like bagels. You could take me to Burger King and buy me a hamburger, though. I like their burgers.”
“Look, I have a bagel in my bag. It’s a perfectly good bagel and, dude, it’s that or nothing.”
The man stood silent for a few moments, weighing the comparative advantages of choosing “nothing.” Finally he shrugged and agreed. As I reached into my bag to pull out the bagel, he leaned down and inspected my belongings.
“Hey, you got a bottle in there!”
“Uh, yeah, it’s a Diet Coke I’m drinking.”
“I’ll take that too!”
Um, no?
The Verdict: I couldn’t believe how hard it was to force a small act of kindness down Boston’s damn throat. It started as a bright thought for a tiny act of kindness, but by the third rejection, the friggin’ bagel was a doughy albatross weighing down this aspiring do-gooder’s neck. At least now I finally have a good answer to my mother’s dinnertime admonition that there are people starving to death in Africa: hell, they probably wouldn’t eat my spinach either. Now a burger, on the other hand…
From this experience, I’m choosing to take two lessons. First, given my history with person-to-person food donations, I’m going to channel all future culinary donations to locally operated food banks.
Second, and more importantly: some homeless people are kind of dicks. Counterintuitively, I think that’s a wonderful observation to feel myself making. As a bleeding-heart, I’ve always been taught that thinking homeless people are unpleasant is BAD and thinking they are misunderstood and wonderful individuals is GOOD. But both modes of thought share the same failing: they’re too categorical. Whether you want to romanticize or revile homelessness, taking the people it affects en masse is doing them a disservice. Whichever way you do it, to reduce homeless people to a homogenous mass of “them” is to completely deny their status as individuals.
At least if you’re interacting with someone enough to think “what an asshole” (or, more often, I hope, “that was nice!”) then it’s a sign that you’re looking at them instead of through them. And that’s a long way to come, baby.
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
Seriously? I didn’t realize that the homeless of Boston hated bagels so much. If you haven’t eaten in 3 days, are you really going to say no to a couple of carbs, with or without veggie cream cheese?
Oh, I’ve been there. Not in Boston but in New York where the homeless are just as picky. I’ve seem them turn down sandwiches, ask specifically for iced coffee (in the winter, even) and just make it a bit difficult to do something nice. Well, then there was the guy who gratefully accepted a sandwich. Finally.
I was at The Cheesecake Factory at Union Sq late one night a couple of months ago, and there was a homeless woman outside who asked if we had any non-meat or fish leftovers to share. I’d actually had a veggie dinner but didn’t take a box so said no, and she launched into this sarcastic diatribe about the restaurant and the meat industry. I’m not judging your choice to live that way, lady, all I did was decide not to waste a box and a bag as well as half a plate of pasta.
Where I live it’s better to ignore them when they ask for money, lest they’ll just yell abuse. I’ve given away a couple of cheeseburgers and leftover pizzas before, but one guy definitely threw the pizza away as soon as my back was turned. Funny ol world.
Dang girl. I am going to run into you one of these days – I’ve been lurking around the BPL myself after work. That and we should just get our shit together and have some damn drinks.
Also, I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve been approached by people asking me for money, and then I start to ask them if they have a place to stay and give them information about shelters and they want abso-freaking-lutely none of it.
Dude, that should happen! I’m always on the mezzanine in the back of the building, in those desks by the windows. Although I’ll admit I spend half my time there scheming to hit on another regular whom I’ve named Hipster Geologist. I mean, who wouldn’t yearn for any man who could earn a nickname like that?!
amen all the way around. i went to san francisco on a business trip once, and i had leftovers from my dinner. there was a homeless kid, maybe 17, holding the door for us when we left the restaurant. as i walked out as the last of our group, he said, “hey, can you spare any change?” i said, i’m sorry, i don’t have any change, but you can have the rest of my dinner. his eyes lit up and said, “really?” i handed it over and he smiled like i had just given him a million bucks. “thanks!” he dug in as we walked away.
that felt pretty damn nice. not gonna lie.
That’s wonderful! Thanks for sharing that story!
It seems like a hit or miss. I’ve had people thank me profusely for leftovers (which only made me feel like I should have done more) and some people completely snub the food I offered them. It makes it almost nerve-wracking to try to give food away!
Unfortunately I more often than not have had the experience you described initially. The homeless in Vancouver (of which there are many) often refuse the food I offer them and instead insist upon you buying them something from Subway etc. I had one dude insist on a foot-long and then wanted milk not coke with it. A healthy homeless man, perhaps but still an annoying/demanding enough one that I’ve given up. If they don’t want what I’m offering, I’m not extending the kindness to a different purchased meal.
Yep I’ve learned this lesson the same way. Once when I worked at a bakery, I was taking home a bunch of leftover rolls and offered them to a person asking for money at the freeway exit. He said that bread would make him thirsty.
Anyway… I have learned a different lesson too. Homeless people are people (obviously, right?) and I make a huge effort to just simply make eye contact. I know it seems so obvious, but… really… it just doesn’t happen. When I don’t give them change, I just say, “sorry, good luck” and I’ve struck up plenty of friendly conversations with people asking for money. So yeah, donate food to the kitchens, I guess. But don’t give up on homeless people!
This happened to me Saturday night – guy sitting on a bench downtown asked my fiance for money to buy food. I offered him the granola bar from my purse and he politely declined, saying he’d rather have a hamburger. At least he was polite.
Okay, there’s a guy I’ve seen all over Portland for years now. Mostly he doesn’t interact with anyone, he’s just in his own alternate world. One time I was leaving the grocery store when he shuffled up to me and mumbled something that sounded like “spare change”. I offered him a Clif bar from my grocery bag and he shook his head and started to turn away. I asked him if he would prefer an apple, since I had a few of those, too, and he opened his mouth and pointed at a gaping, infected maw in which MAYBE three teeth resided.
Dude. Nearly had myself a good weep right then and there. Instead, I went back into Safeway and bought a container of squash soup for him.
Since then, I’ve learned that this is a HUGE problem in chronically homeless populations. Seriously, the need for volunteer dentists at free clinics isn’t for cleaning and prophylaxis, it’s because these people need rotted-out teeth pulled before they develop blood infections.
That said, the Doc Martens-wearing facially-tattooed gutter punks can take the card for a free lunch at Sisters of the Road and STFU about it.
Oh my gosh, what a fantastic story, and what a great reminder about how we can be most helpful to people we don’t really have much idea about how to help. One of my friends who is — in addition to being literally the most wonderful person I’ve ever met — one of those pre-med types once told me that she saves Powerbars to give to people who need food, because even if they don’t have teeth, they can at least suck on the bars for nutrition. But now I’m thinking about the sugar in the bars and whether that would exacerbate any existing dental situations.
I’m feeling inspired by both your and kk’s comments to do a little research about good resources around the city (or at least around the BPL, where I tend to have most of my interactions) so I can either give people a little index card of information or at least tell them about a few places, depending on their needs.
Also, can I say? I never fail to be amazed and warmed by how truly wonderful my readers are. God you guys are awesome.
Dear, I was talking with a friend this weekend who explained that Portland has a HUGE drug problem (heroin and meth). Meth ruins teeth. BCD (birth certificate dad) and I were in Needles, CA a few weeks ago and there was the most hideous billboard of a person who looked like Carrot Top with no teeth saying “No need for lipstick anymore!” So true.
Homeless people can be a pain, but what this post reminds me of is that, aside from the obvious (house, etc), what they really lack is choice. I wonder how many of them had no real problem with bagels, but really just wanted to be able to order a meal of their own choosing?
Absolutely true, and something I did think about. But I figured, hey, I had the bagel in my bag and it could either get eaten by a trash can or a human being, so trying to give it away seemed like the right choice. I think you’re right, though, it’s so easy for us to think: dude, “those people” should be happy with whatever we give them. Which is obviously neither true nor fair. Being able to exhibit a little free will is one of the most important parts of the human condition.
That said, denying food of any sort after making the statement, “I haven’t eaten anything in three days. I’m literally starving” is just a little bit bold…
Many homeless people are also alcoholics. And it’s sad but true: when you’re well down the alcoholism road, food is unappetizing, poorly absorbed, and begins to seem sort of unnecessary, unless it is something that really tempts your appetite. Malnutrition is a serious problem for chronic alcoholics.
I had no idea! In a thousand years, that never would have occurred to me. It’s yet another reason that, really, the best thing you can do when someone asks for money is to stop and ask what food you can buy them. Ugh, I just — man, I wish I were a better person or had more resources or had the strength and self-discipline to devote myself to helping people full-time instead of just when it’s convenient or seems doable to my cluttered priorities.
Dear, you do help people every work day and have more contact with the homeless than most of us could tolerate. Many homeless people have mental conditions. From the stories being told it would appear that contributing directly to the shelters is the way to go.
Gosh, I did not mean to generate guilt! That was a genuinely kind and sincere thing you did and you are so right about seeing people as individuals and respecting the dignity of even a jerky individual. It’s just, the thing about alcoholism is something that not everyone knows, and it puts a different slant on the behavior. The prevalence of mental illness among the homeless is also a giant problem, as your mom says. And it seems to me that you do something that a lot of people cannot do: you use your funny, clever blog to open minds. A+ for you!
Aw, Mumsy, thank you so much. And worry not — you in no way made me feel guilty! I think the more I learn about social conditions, the more hopeless I just feel in the face of them. But I completely appreciate that information about alcoholism! It helped me appreciate the situation in a way I never would have considered before.
My friend once made me ask a homeless person outside a grocery store whether she would like a sandwich, and we proceeded to by her one and give it to her on the way out. I reckon grocery stores and restaurants are probably where the smart homeless people hang – the ones who actually want food and not just change for various other endeavors. I guess there are ways to pick who you give to – just like with real charities.