Over on Life As A Human, I muse on mnemonics and wonder, just what does Gilligan’s Island have to do with your immortal soul? (Spoiler alert: uh, pretty much everything.)
NTKOG #218: The kind of desperate boozer who, in an effort to keep abreast of the latest youth trends at the withered old age of 23, chases a really, really, really dumb high.
I am: a big drinker, but…
I am not: a problem drinker. (Promise, Mom!)
The Scene: My apartment. Alone. So this is already starting out pretty great, right? In an effort to shake off the goody-goody status I’ve so enjoyed of late, decided to temporarily disable half my brain cells long enough to convince myself to kill a few more.
Have you heard about eyeballing? It’s the latest in a series of news-hogging “youth trends” that are, I’m convinced, lab-concocted by news teams especially to terrorize parents. Allegedly, kids the world ‘round are holding open their eye sockets and pouring in shots of vodka, hoping it will absorb more quickly to their blood streams.
I mean, that shit’s got to be made up, right? Who’d be dumb enough to actually d—
Oh. Oh.
At the liquor store, when I bought a bottle of mid-shelf gin, the caper seemed easy enough: pour out half a shot, slam that sucker in, and enjoy instant drunkenness. How bad could it be? No worse than using slightly expired contact solution!
Once I’d actually set up my ocular inebriation station, I remembered exactly why I stopped wearing contacts.
However, after sipping a few shots of ice-cold, cuked-up gin, confidence seeped back in. I’m a badass! A loose fucking cannon! I’ve read a Hunter S. Thompson novel, by gum, and watched somebody get a tattoo once – why I’m practically a hardened wild child! Shit, son, just pass me the gin and watch me trip balls. Eyeballs.
Pried open my eyelids ‘til my whites flared out like a scared horse, and poured a quarter-ounce of gin right into the socket. Time slowed as the droplets floated toward the eye. How bad could it be, I wondered? It might even be fun! Like when you snort coke and rub the extra in your gums cut an Advil tablet in half and suck on it so it kicks in faster! It might eve—
OH HOLY FRIGGIN’ BALLS DOES THAT HURT.
The Verdict: I don’t think I need to tell you not to do this. But guys? Seriously. If this sounds like a good idea, you should probably skip straight to the source and pour booze directly in your urethra ‘cause, uh, you shouldn’t be reproducing.
{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }
That’s hardcore! I won’t be doing this anytime soon.
I heard that if you soak your feet in vodka you can get drunk really fast as the alcohol gets absorbed directly into the bloodstream. Googling reveals that the internet’s (highly scientific) opinion is: maybe, but probably not.
Anyway, if you’re up for another round of trying to ingest alcohol via unconventional means…
Dude, sounds promising, but next time I’ll be soaking tampons in vodka, a la Jenna from 30 Rock!
Just to take this train further down the line to TMI Town, I heard (from someone who tried to use a yoghurt-soaked tampon to cure a yeast infection) that it’s very difficult to insert once it’s been soaked because it’s expanded so much.
“someone”… I’m on to you, sister! Also, is it wrong that my first thought was “thin or Greek-style?!”?
i wonder if you could use one with an applicator and then just keep it inside the applicator while soaking it?
Gahgahgahgahgah! I have a weird eye thing (show me eyedrops and I run in the opposite direction; a friend had a problem with one of her contacts once and I couldn’t help her at all because I had to leave) & my eyes were watering all the way through this, gah! Does. Not. Sound. Pleasant.
Also, for any fretting parents and/or CNN representatives: as “youth” I can say that I have never heard of this at all, let alone heard about anyone I know doing it, let alone seeing it done, let alone doing it myself. But then, I hang in goody-two-shoes circles so that may not mean much. :-)
Gaaaah. Beats the pants off of TMI Thursday, this was the first post I just couldn’t bring myself to read! I got to the point where you confirmed you were going to do what I thought you were going to do then skipped ahead to the unsurprising “OH HOLY FRIGGIN’ BALLS DOES THAT HURT.” Now MY eyes hurt just thinking about it.
I’m glad you tried this. It will save me what would surely be an embarrassing event in my life.
Major WTF!!? moment here.
One that really does work though; mix your spirit with something fizzy, say lemonade, and drink it at the rate of spirit that you would if you were doing shots. If you mix 2 parts fizz to one of spirit, that’s drinking 3 shot glasses of the mix in the time you would normally swallow a shot, “recover” and get the next shot. Is that clear?
GAAAAAH. this sounds like the time in undergrad when i had to run around my boyfriend’s fraternity house taking vodka away from the pledges, who were trying to SNORT THE VODKA.
you are brave to do this. a little nuts, but brave. :)
YOU. ARE. INSANE. But thank you for entertaining us with said insanity.
I’m going to be the old person here and reprimand you for even trying this. I love your blog, but can’t believe you would try, much less, publish this account. This can burn and scar your cornea. It’s not entertaining. It’s frightening. End rant.
That’s a totally legitimate reprimand and I sincerely appreciate it. It was definitely a stupid, reckless thing to do, but, in my very slight defense, I only put in a little bit, I had water immediately prepared to flush it out, and — well, and I knew it would be dumb. I hope I made it pretty clear in the post that this is an awful thing to do and that anyone else would be out of their mind to try it!
I promise to be extra-careful shampooing the next few years, to balance this out by making sure no other astringent surfaces enter my eye. And I promise I’ll be back to do-gooder Oprah-esque posts starting tomorrow. :-)
I so thought this was going to be a suppository post! I’m not sure if I’m disappointed or relieved.
This is officially one of the most awful things I’ve ever read about – I’m squeamish about my eyes as it is, despite wearing contacts. I could NEVER do this. EVER!
OWWWW!!! :(
apparently this comment was too short, so I have to say… DON’T DO IT.
Dear, you drink a gin and tonic. Have you lost you mind? Go over to Sister’s after work and stay there until you are sane and grounded, but be prepared for an intervention.
Ha, worry not, mother dear, I actually did this one about a month ago. I promise all lingering insanity has passed. :-)
Well, given that TKOGrandfather was in the RN, gin-drinking runs in your family! :-D
I read this and immediately had the same reaction as everyone else (is she insane?) until I remembered the time in high school my friends said they heard if you put burts bees chap stick in your eyeball it would make it feel cold? Or something? So naturally, 16 years old and sitting in the front row of English class, I tried it. It burned like you wouldn’t believe (or maybe you would) and I sat through a 50 minute class with one of my eyes watering/crying nonstop. My teacher thought I was unbalanced.
At sixteen, aren’t we all unbalanced?
Dude, everyone knows vices are best ingested Stevie Nicks style — blown up your rectum. Duh.
Dear, children, this information is way too much TMI. Who thinks of these things to do to their bodies? I’ve never heard of any of them expect the yoghurt and believe me it does NOT work because I have tried. (Don’t use strawberry dear. For all of you youngsters and men out there: there was a time when Monostat was available only with a RX. Thank goodness it is over the counter now.)
Strawberry yogurt?! Oh mom. Oh mom. That goes on the list with “water the plants on top of the TV” on the list of reasons I’m glad I didn’t inherit your knack for chemistry and science.
Dear, in my day, nice girls did NOT need to study chemistry. Math was studied only through Geometry ll. Why tax the female brain? Do you remember the green pool? I pour hundreds of dollars of chemicals into that tub of water with the most hidious results. I even failed your pregnancy test twice: it said NEGATIVE. Still BCD knew better. When I refused a Margarita
he knew I was preggers. Oh, he was so correct. Now the little sticks say “+ or -.” That’s all the chemistry you need to know.
TKOMOM,
“…little stick says + or -..need to know”
I’m just letting you know I am stealing that line(not asking)
I can’t wait to head up to the lake next weekend to use it!
Preggers? thanks for taking me back to the… what early 70′s?
Oh, my, god. WHY DID YOU DO THIS!?
Well, I guess I know the reason.
I really need to come over STAT and help you with that very special NTKOG… Pink floyd and cupcakes too?
Yes please! I have all the ingredient for oatmeal cookies — would those work well with a Pink Floyd moment?
OMG YOU DIDNT!!! as soon as i saw the description i knew what it was. whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Read you post about the ads.
I had commented earlier about “raking in the dollar”, and as much as I love sarcasim(can’t spell it), I really was happy to see the fruits of your labours (notice the European spelling) pay off.
i canNOT believe you actually did this!
but brava for trying!
I feel your pain!
Recently I seeded a JALAPENO with my hands, washed them like 5 times (at least!) over the course of the night. Then, it was time to take out my contacts and my eyes just about burned out. DAMN CONTACTS! DAMN FAR SIGHTEDNESS!
Then of course, once I took the first one out I had to do the second. Ugh, not an experience I EVER want to repeat.
Em, I’ve been there and done that. That’s what latex gloves were invented for. My bf does that, out of courtesy of me *ahem*
And/or rub your hands in some vegetable oil (cheap stuff is fine), then wash them. This works because the capcaicin sticks to the oil in the oil better than to the oil in your hands, (and way better than it sticks to stearates in the soap).
@ TKOMom, that is practical chemistry; knowing what to use to remove stains and “sticky” chemicals like capcaicin.
smart trick, I’ve actually done the jalepenos=eyes more often than I care to mention; I hope this will help.
Thanks for the tip! I’ve seeded them before using a knife more than my hands, and I never had any problems, but I will definitely take these precautions just to be safe.
As soon as I read the title on this, I knew it would be about eyeballing. I’m so proud of you.
um, wow. just… wow. also: no. ;)
You’re lying aren’t you! Do grown up people do this? I’m amazed.
It was awful, dude. Awful. No one should ever do it.