Ironically, the day I schedule this post for is also the first day I completely pooched my c25k run. This week, the program upped running from 9 total minutes to 16 — almost doubling my meager and hard-fought running time. I’d put up with it all week, but this time I took a slightly different route, got lost in my own neighborhood, and had a big snot-fueled meltdown in Brookline at 7am. Still. Tomorrow is another (painful) day.
NTKOG #231: The kind of unabashed physical fitness enthusiast who — ignoring the sniggers and smirks of other passers-by — attempts to push herself into the stupid zone.
I am: literally the worst jogger who’s ever drawn breath. Er, drawn deep, wheezy gasps, that is.
I am not: excited about this fact or even, really, super okay with it.
The Scene: A quiet Williamsburg neighborhood early on the morning of my birthday. Justice — vicariously excited about my couch-to-5k regimen — demanded I bring my workout gear to join her for a run. I tried to explain how truly out of shape I am, but after a few attempts to persuade her, I finally gave up and decided she’d have to see it for herself.
Some things, once seen, can never be un-seen.
When we got outside to pound the pavement at seven in the morning, two things immediately struck me:
1) Goddamn is New York a miserable, sticky gehenna. (Hey, have you heard my new band, Urban Heat?)
2) While I was inordinately proud of my newfound couch-to-5k ability to run for three minutes in a row, those colossal superpowers might not seem quite as impressive to Justice, who, when she’s in the zone, can run a quick five or six miles while keeping up a knowledgable discussion on tort reform.
Still, it’s just once in my life — surely I can accelerate my training enough to jog a measy half an hour, right? For the first five or six minutes, I jogged steadily at my usual blazing-fast rate, chatting only slightly breathlessly with Justice. I was doing it! I was doing the hell out of it! No friggin’ problem!
After a few more blocks: problem. Big problem.
By the time we’d gotten within a few blocks of the park that was meant to serve as our halfway point, it became apparent that something terrible was happening to my body. Around the mile mark, you see, some madcap prankster had decided to coat the inside of my lungs with a highly flammable substance.
“You can do it!” Justice soothed, jogging next to me in an elaborate slow-motion pantomime. “Just a few more blocks and we can walk for a minute!”
Which just goes to show the kindness of blind optimism. A few blocks? I was straight-up vomiting oxygen. After a few blocks, I wouldn’t be able to walk again.
Let us not labor the rest of the outing except to say that it was grim. I was basically a complete failure of a human being, a limping survey of every possible problem with the concept of locomotion.
At one point, I begged Justice to stop and bolted into a nearby closed cafe, where I begged the lovely barista to pour me a glass of water. Which I subsequently debated pouring over my head.
Still, we jogged not far nor (on my part) fast, but I didn’t die in a gutter. If I didn’t limp home with dignity, I at least came home a wiser girl. One who, for instance, now knows better than to jog in 98% humidity with a dude who can actually run.
The Verdict: So, turns out not even the best of intentions can allow you to hulk out at will. Bummer.
That said, this extremely ill-fated attempt to circumnavigate my poky old-lady jogging program helped me really appreciate how much said program’s done for me so far. It can come as no surprise that I am basically a weak and lazy human being, but — against all odds, I’m chipping away at the seemingly insurmountable goal of learning to run with the power of … discipline.
Discipline. Ask me six months ago, and I’d have told you that discipline is something you’re born either with or without; that discipline is the providence of strong people. Now it occurs to me that saying discipline is for strong people is like saying money is for rich people. Entirely missing the point.
Lord help me, if it takes another fifty years, I’m going to move this whole messy mountain, stone by stone. Just — just don’t make me jog while I’m doing it, okay?
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
You ran five to six minutes in 98% humidity while having a conversation with someone who can run? Could you have done that 3 months ago? Sounds like a win to me.
Approval: APPRECIATED! Especially in the face of my epic fail today.
Nice JOB, dude! I’m with the Tin Man. On days with 98% humidity, I stay home and do yoga instead of running. Or you know, I sleep in. Whatevs.
You need to be proud. Now. And in case you’re finding it difficult, let me help you out: I’m doing the same program and at NO point during the whole process would I have been able to run a single second longer than that week’s scheduled amount.
Also (because this kind of pain means you earned bragging rights) I did my second 30 minute run today. That’s gonna be you in a few weeks time :D
#BEAMS#
That’s awesome. Can we talk about how you elected to go for a run ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?! The one day of the year where self-indulgence and bad decisions are applauded and actually encouraged? That takes so much discipline!!!
Some perspective: I’m currently up to jogging for 10 minutes straight on the treadmill in my air conditioned gym. No incline, with a towel and water bottle at the ready. I’m too scared to even attempt a 30 minute summer run outside until I can do it on the treadmill. To quote the Nickelodeon great Mike O’Malley… You’ve got GUTS.
I agree with The Tin Man!!!
Plus you tweeted and wrote so much about this c25k that I’m tempted to try it out myself… dragging my boyfriend down with me.
I know, I’m such a kindred spirit.
… but money is more readily available if you’re rich. I think that’s actually a pretty exacting analogy. If you’re strong, it is easier to stay disciplined – doesn’t mean it’s impossible otherwise, just harder.
Also, I’m proud that Justice pulled out the slow-motion jog. I taught her that one.
Point taken! But it’s also easier to stay disciplined when you’re already a basically disciplined person. I just think that discipline is most important for people who lack it, the same way that a small amount of money is a way bigger deal for someone who’s languishing in squalor and poverty (viz., me, in both cases).
Also, you did an excellent job teaching Justice your Miyagi-jogging ways. She was basically the most encouraging running partner ever. Psyched to come attempt a real run in a few weeks!
I love c25k! LOVE. It got me started on running. At some point you’ll think back and go, wow, I can’t believe 90 seconds was an issue. Keep it up!
I got lost running in napa with my dad on week eight. He kept insisting that we hadn’t reached the halfway point and finally, when I was pretty much in tears and about to punch my sixty-three-year-old father in the face, he conceded that it was possible he was wrong. We walked back to the hotel and discovered that we had actually run (and by run, I mean jogged) about three miles. Which we then had to walk back. I wasn’t so mad that he’d pushed me, but that he had made me feel like I’d failed a day of my running program when I’d been able to stick with it for so long.
Also, much respect for running in NYC in the summer. Keep in mind that running for half an hour is the end goal of the program, and you’re about halfway there!
But if you’d punched your dad in the face, you’d be transitioning right from a running program to a boxing program! Which is, on balance, pretty healthy.
Dude, also, congrats on c25k and thanks for the inspirational tale. I apparently require a steady stream of inspiration to keep my lungs from crumpling on a daily basis!
I LOVED this. I can not wait for you to finish the c25K, drop me a guest blog, be a famous runner, win Olympic Gold in some kind of mad dash plus hurdles event and have your name on some Nike’s. Yeahhhhh, rock on with your bad self!
And that 98% humidity? Run in it for a few weeks and when the cooler air roars in you will feel SO MUCH faster! It’s like a fricking miracle around here.
Yikes, can’t imagine running in the ridiculous heat and humidity! Of course, jogging under such conditions now means that a sprint in regular weather later will be cake! :P
Congrats – As others have noted, the key is actually doing it (particularly in those conditions). Look, running may not be hard, but it can certainly be a challenge. That you, and everyone doing the c25k program, actually attempt it is to be commended.
That said, a word of caution – It’s very easy to get caught up in the excitement of that first 5k event and the next thing you know, you’re doing one a month, then a 10k, then a Half… I’m just saying…
Thanks, dude! And that sounds like an addiction I could live with!
You’ve inspired me to try c25k! Seems like some impressive results pretty quickly if your story is anything to go by!
One thing I just don’t know (and never have): what do you do with your keys? Maybe that’s what’s kept me from running all these years.
Running shorts with pockets, dude! Totally clutch! I actually ended up getting a pair that’s, in retrospect, stupidly too big for me, ’cause it was the only one with pockets, but it’s still worth hiking my waistline up every few blocks, ’cause I have somewhere to keep my keys, iPhone and Kleenex.
Apparently when it’s 90 degrees and 97% humidity, truly prudent dudes run with Kleenex, lest their faces start leaking everywhere. At least — at least that’s how this dude resolved said issue which might be a non-issue for actual humans.
Also, I’m a shade under halfway through, but I totally recommend c25k so far! Warning, though: the jump from Week 3 to Week 4 is brutal. In Week 3 you’re doing 9 combined minutes of running; in Week 4, you’re doing sixteen combined minutes. Steep friggin’ jump. My solution: I’m custom-recording my own guerrilla Week 3.5, which’ll take me up to 13 minutes so I have an intermediate week. Week 4′s been friggin’ brutal. I think my body will appreciate the slight alteration.
Oh, pockets! That makes so much sense! Can’t believe I didn’t think of that. I guess I don’t think of running shorts as having pockets but still, how obvious can you get?
I like the Kleenex idea! Your tips are much appreciated though now I’m a little scared for Week 4. Which is way in the future so maybe it’s too soon to worry. Maybe.
No! Don’t be scared! It’s so awesome! Like, I sucked at Week 4 but no big deal — I’m just repeating it! The other thing that gets me really fired up, since we’re talking about fledgling jogging schedules, is going online every day to log my run at mapmyrun.com. You can see exactly how far you’ve run, how your pace is improved, total miles for the week and for lifetime, and all kinds of other neat stuff. Going out for my runs doesn’t seem like a big deal at the time, but when I look at my July calendar and see 14 completed workouts winking back at me, I totally feel like a badass.
Not knowing where to put my keys is yet another reason why I refuse to run out on the street. Also, misanthropy, fear of the weather, and crippling social anxiety at wondering whether a would be mugger or rapist would judge me for my Hello Kitty key chain.
Ali – Good for you! As NTKOG noted, shorts with pockets are awesome, another idea is a “running belt” – Most sporting goods stores have them, and all specialty running stores would too. These aren’t “fanny packs”, they’re usually a couple inches wide, and have a small pouch (and some have a spot to put water) and are specifically designed not to bounce when you run. They’re about $20…
Dear, our family does NOT exercise unless we are in the airport: your
running exercise will help you between tight connections. We are an “off the wall family” and are very disciplined in telling jokes. One would never make a serious statement unless one had to: a punchline is better. Everyone is different, dear. Dancing, running and tort law are really NOT your “thing.”
A few more weeks of c25k and I can start booking connections through O’Hare!
A few years ago I started running. At first a simple kilometre almost killed me, but so far this year I’ve run 2 half marathons, causing my mother to believe in alien abduction and cloning. Stick at it, it gets easier, slowly. Oh, and I find ice cream when I get back from a run a very good motivational tool.