So, since I wrote this (after midnight, expecting like fifteen people to read it), I’ve gotten input from some lawyerly dudes and realized that, okay, the situation described could not be legally charged as rape. Bandying about the word rape inaccurately? Not cool. I’ve never wanted to be the dude who does that. I apologize for being alarmist. That said, please do feel free to read all instances of the word “rape” in the [unedited but bracketed-notes-added] post as “acts of willfully misleading sexual predation to deceive a partner into sexual intercourse that she otherwise would not have given consent to, with no regard for the complicated psychological repercussions when your actions are inevitably discovered.” Holy hell is that phrase long. Maybe, for brevity, “morally repugnant shit you would not want done to your mother.”
Wow. So, watching Hulu this weekend, I was exposed no less than three times to what I can call without question the most sickening advertisement in recent memory. It’s a thirty-second spot for Hornitos tequila (a Sauza product) and runs under the title “Brotherly Love.” I fully encourage you to check it out here, if you don’t mind righteous feminist she-hulking so hard your armpit hair spontaneously grows two inches.
If you’re at work or too lazy to shave your ‘pits after, the premise: guy and girl sexytimes stroll into apartment; “I don’t know what’s come over you tonight, Mike,” she purrs before heading off to grab some Hornitos tequila. Dude’s phone rings to reveal his identical twin brother in the airport. “Dave, did you tell April I wasn’t going to make it?” — but Dave’s too busy watching April clink shotglasses and writhe in sexual foreshadowing to answer, so he hangs up as his cuckolded brother says, “I love you man.” And then Dave goes to rape it up all over town with the woman who’s giving consent to sleep with him under the impression he is her boyfriend.
Seriously, you guys, time travel was invented and no one thought to tell me?! ’cause I can see no plausible excuse that we could actually be in the year 2011 watching a national ad campaign laughing off informed consent like a punchline. Rape. That is motherfucking rape. [Okay, okay, so see note above. It's not rape. But when it spends the night at rape's house, it borrows rape's toothbrush.]
The only other explanation — and this is way less amusing than time travel — is that the jackoffs at Hornitos don’t understand what rape is. So, I wrote them a letter. If you too are disgusted by the idea of a company laughing off the idea of liquorin’ a girl up and then rapin’ her down, I highly encourage you to write a letter as well.
I just saw your “Brotherly Love” ad spot and found it delightful. It’s so rare to find advertising these days that has the balls to advocate rape! I’ve got a few small questions, though, before I go out and try this maneuver (and your fine product!) on my own:
1) Your commercial’s got me totally rarin’ to go out and get my rape on, but — total bummer — I have no identical twin! Any other ideas how I can liquor a dude up and violate his right to informed consent?
2) When you do liquor a lady up and then seduce her under a false identity and totally fake pretenses, when’s the Hornitos-approved time to reveal the fact that she hasn’t actually given consent to the sexual encounter? Afterwards, when you’re leaving her to clean up the sheets (and the shrapnel of her trust in men)? Or do you wanna do it mid-coitus for that angry-rape-victim bucking bronco effect? Woohoo! Ride ‘em, cowboy!
3) I always forget the official recipe for a Sauza Margarita. Is it two parts tequila to one part rohypnol? Or the other way around?
4) You did a great job with the :30 spot, but don’t be coy! I want to see more! How about the part when she realizes she’s been deceived by someone she trusted, just so he could have sex with her? Or the part where she blames herself for impairing her own judgment by clinking those glasses of (yummy, yummy) Hornitos tequila? Where’s the part where she’s so ashamed of “letting herself” be raped that she isn’t able to go seek help? Where’s the part where we all get out a dictionary and look up the meaning of informed consent?
5) After this ad, I suuuuper want to try your tequila, but I’m not a rapist. Am I still allowed to drink it?
6) Will drinking your product in fact give me the uncontrollable urge to run out and rape someone? (I hope so! You made it look like such zany hijinks!)
7) What kind of ass-backwards, misogynistic motherfucking Mad Men style ad agency are you using that this commercial could go through presumably months of development and be approved for a NATIONAL CAMPAIGN that makes a literal punchline out of the concept of informed consent?
8) Okay, fine, make rape seem casual. Make it seem fun. Make it seem like no big deal. You are creating the world that your sisters and daughters and nieces and granddaughters and and every other woman you will ever love will have to live in. This is a dangerous world to be a woman. This ad campaign shows that you’re committed to doing your part to keep it that way.
Hornitos Tequila: The Official Corporate Face of Gettin’ Your Rape On.
For my money, Hornitos is one of the best tequilas at its price point. Which is a shame, because obviously I will never buy anything in the Sauza family of products again, and obviously it’s my moral obligation to encourage anyone with a vagina or anyone who loves someone with a vagina to do the same.
Rape is not a joke. That your company endorses it bewilders and sickens me in equal measure.
All I want to do this week is run my stupid post about my Jeopardy! audition. Hey men of the world [who beat, rape and otherwise abuse women], can you please stop beating, raping and otherwise abusing women long enough to let me do that?! Thanks. [The rest of you, just carry on with whatever you're doing.]